Today is such a bittersweet day. I think people overuse the word 'bittersweet.' I probably overuse it. When we overuse words it seems to take the meaning of that word and just water it down. 'Bittersweet' just seems like the perfect word to describe babies and kids, particularly when talking about how they are constantly growing and changing. It's bittersweet to see your newborn baby get bigger and bigger every hour. As they learn new things and do new things we're filled with love and joy...it's just so sweet. But then you quickly realize, they won't ever go back to being the way they were the day before...and that's painful...bitter.
To feel bittersweet is to experience pain and joy at the same time or, at least, experiencing those 2 emotions very very close together. The more Faith starts to do, the more we realize that she's getting bigger and stronger and smarter every day. And that's amazing to watch! We realize she won't be a baby forever. You hear moms talking about this a lot. They want their babies to stay babies forever. (Dads usually want them to hurry up and get bigger so we can play with them, haha). Watching your baby grow is bittersweet.
But today I'm feeling bittersweet for another reason. Today is the day my wife has been dreading for 12 weeks. She went back work today. We were so lucky and blessed that she was able to take an additional 4 weeks, above the 8 weeks she was allotted after having a c-section. But after Faith was only a couple weeks old my wife started the mental countdown until this dreaded day.
I barely got a whole week off from work after Faith was born. And as dads, that seems to be the norm. But it's easier for us. And I think the reason is because know our wives are fully capable of taking care of our children. Moms have this instinct to know what to do and when to do it almost immediately. It takes dads awhile, especially with the first baby. That gives us dads confidence and reassurance that while we're off at work, everything is under control at home. All is right in the universe.
If my wife had gone back to work after 1 week and I was left in charge of taking care of a baby...I'd be a nervous wreck. I'd be stressed and scared and afraid. I'm pretty sure moms get 6-8 weeks off after having a baby just to train up us dads. We need at least that many weeks to start feeling comfortable with being left alone with a baby for long periods of time.
I've spent 12 weeks watching my wife be a mom and observing how she does things and why she does it. It all comes so natural. I have to ask 100 questions...does Faith need socks today?, long sleeve or short sleeve?, should I change her diaper now or later?, where's the bibs?, where's a burp cloth?, where's the wipes?, does she need diaper rash cream on?...I have never ending list of questions. I have to think about every move. But moms just react. They just do. They are amazing.
See, we are just not in a position in which my wife could be a stay at home mom right away. We wanted to be. And we plan to be sooner, rather than later...but...Reality is, a lot of us just can't. But luckily we are in a position so that at least one us could work part time, so that one of us could spend as much time with our baby as possible. That one person happened to be me. I get the opportunity and blessings of being a part time employee and a part time dad. (Being a parent is a full time job, no matter how you look at it!). And that is the sweetest thing ever.
But what's so painful and bitter is watching my wife the past few days. To say she has been emotional is an understatement. And rightfully so. Mommy and Faith have been separated rarely since birth. We had 3 date nights with no baby, in 12 weeks. They were only separated for a maximum of maybe 3-4 hours. So today will be tough day. As tough as my day might be trying to figure out all this baby stuff on my own...I know her day will be so much tougher.
I can't help but think of Jesus' disciples. They had gotten to walk and talk with Jesus for 3 years. Got to see him and touch him and literally walk with him and listen to him. Then they learned that after this short amount of time with him, that he'd be taken and put to death. But Jesus said that it was better for them (and us) that he leave, because the Holy Spirit would then come. Talk about bittersweet. Their teacher and friend was about to be beaten and crucified. BUT then the Holy Spirit would come and give them the same power and authority that Jesus had!
I can imagine, somewhat, how they felt. That bittersweet feeling. I feel bittersweet. I'm so happy that I get to spend more time with Faith. I'm so lucky. A lot of dads don't get as much time as I will be getting. I've taken for granted all that my wife does for Faith and around the house. She is an amazing mom. She was born to be a mom. Some people are gifted musicians, some are gifted writers, etc...but my wife's gift is being a mom. And that's exactly what makes it even harder for the both of us.
...It's just so very bittersweet
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
So God Loves Me That Much?
I'll try and keep this third part short and sweet. No need to complicate and over explain something that is so simple. We tend to do that when God wants to show us something or tell us something.
...Once everything settled down at the hospital, and all the family and friends went back to work, we were left alone in a hospital room as one happy family. Just letting it all sink in. The middle part of that second day at the hospital it was just us; me, mommy, and baby. With visitors in and out, and then nurses in and out, it was rare that the 3 of us were left alone. But I remember that moment when everything lined up just right. No family, no friends, no nurse, and no doctors. I figure God was there with us the entire time, but He was waiting until He had my full attention.
Hospital beds aren't the best place to cuddle up with a family of 3, but under the circumstances we didn't have much of a choice. I just wanted to climb in the bed with my wife and baby , and just be together. Close together. All wrapped up in each other arms together. Heather painfully tried to scoot over to make some room. She already had Faith in her arms. It was that way most of the time. But I managed to squeeze myself in the bed with them. Ahhhhh.
The 3 of us just sat there in silence. Me and Heather both staring at Faith, while she dreamed peacefully. Within seconds of soaking up that feeling...that overwhelming feeling of love for one person who had just been born the day before...tears began to roll out of the corners of my eyes and down my cheeks. I've never loved anything or anyone the way I felt for this tiny baby girl. Forever, she is part of me. Forever, I'll love her no matter what. Forever, she will be mine. My heart, in that moment, was overflowing with love. It was finally sinking in....I was a father!
Heather could feel the emotion I guess. She was in such a position where she had to turn her head around to see the tears streaming down my face. Then she cried. Both of us overwhelmed with love.
Then it all hit me...I finally understood...
This is how much God loves me (maybe more). This is the kind of love that God has for me. I finally felt what fatherly love feels like. What it feels like to love your child. Instead of just accepting the idea that God loved me, now I could see so clearly the love He must have for me.
Before that moment, I had always heard, "God loves you, God loves you, God loves you," over and over. After a while I'm like, "ok, ok, I got it...He loves me, oh He loves me so..."
A huge part of Christianity is coming to the realization that "God SO loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son."
The only love I had to compare it to, was the love I had for my wife. And quite frankly, it weirded me out to think God might love me like a love my wife! So, I just put the idea of God loving me in a box. In that box of things you just don't understand. I've never questioned whether God truly loved me or not, but I just couldn't wrap my head around what that meant or looked like.
Now, I know. Or at least I have a pretty good idea of what fatherly love is. It's the kind of love that celebrated like crazy when your child is born. It's love that cries happy tears. It's love that forgives. It's love that sees only the best in their children. It's love that feels good knowing your child needs you. It's a love that's like no other. And apparently that's the same way God loves me!
I want to be a father to my new baby girl, like my Heavenly Father is to me. I'l probably fall way short of that, but that's my goal. I'll lean on Him for wisdom in those moments when I'm not sure what to do or say. But most importantly, I'll just chose to love her, no matter what.
And now that I can almost wrap my head around what it feels like to be a father and love my daughter in that way...I can't wait to see what she will teach me. I want to re-learn that childlike love. I want to be able to love my Father, like Faith will love me.
...Once everything settled down at the hospital, and all the family and friends went back to work, we were left alone in a hospital room as one happy family. Just letting it all sink in. The middle part of that second day at the hospital it was just us; me, mommy, and baby. With visitors in and out, and then nurses in and out, it was rare that the 3 of us were left alone. But I remember that moment when everything lined up just right. No family, no friends, no nurse, and no doctors. I figure God was there with us the entire time, but He was waiting until He had my full attention.
Hospital beds aren't the best place to cuddle up with a family of 3, but under the circumstances we didn't have much of a choice. I just wanted to climb in the bed with my wife and baby , and just be together. Close together. All wrapped up in each other arms together. Heather painfully tried to scoot over to make some room. She already had Faith in her arms. It was that way most of the time. But I managed to squeeze myself in the bed with them. Ahhhhh.
The 3 of us just sat there in silence. Me and Heather both staring at Faith, while she dreamed peacefully. Within seconds of soaking up that feeling...that overwhelming feeling of love for one person who had just been born the day before...tears began to roll out of the corners of my eyes and down my cheeks. I've never loved anything or anyone the way I felt for this tiny baby girl. Forever, she is part of me. Forever, I'll love her no matter what. Forever, she will be mine. My heart, in that moment, was overflowing with love. It was finally sinking in....I was a father!
Heather could feel the emotion I guess. She was in such a position where she had to turn her head around to see the tears streaming down my face. Then she cried. Both of us overwhelmed with love.
Then it all hit me...I finally understood...
This is how much God loves me (maybe more). This is the kind of love that God has for me. I finally felt what fatherly love feels like. What it feels like to love your child. Instead of just accepting the idea that God loved me, now I could see so clearly the love He must have for me.
Before that moment, I had always heard, "God loves you, God loves you, God loves you," over and over. After a while I'm like, "ok, ok, I got it...He loves me, oh He loves me so..."
A huge part of Christianity is coming to the realization that "God SO loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son."
The only love I had to compare it to, was the love I had for my wife. And quite frankly, it weirded me out to think God might love me like a love my wife! So, I just put the idea of God loving me in a box. In that box of things you just don't understand. I've never questioned whether God truly loved me or not, but I just couldn't wrap my head around what that meant or looked like.
Now, I know. Or at least I have a pretty good idea of what fatherly love is. It's the kind of love that celebrated like crazy when your child is born. It's love that cries happy tears. It's love that forgives. It's love that sees only the best in their children. It's love that feels good knowing your child needs you. It's a love that's like no other. And apparently that's the same way God loves me!
I want to be a father to my new baby girl, like my Heavenly Father is to me. I'l probably fall way short of that, but that's my goal. I'll lean on Him for wisdom in those moments when I'm not sure what to do or say. But most importantly, I'll just chose to love her, no matter what.
And now that I can almost wrap my head around what it feels like to be a father and love my daughter in that way...I can't wait to see what she will teach me. I want to re-learn that childlike love. I want to be able to love my Father, like Faith will love me.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Emotional Limbo
When I said, "...And my heart would be melted and changed forever," I meant every word. Every parent has a story, an emotion, or experience they can describe about becoming a parent for the first time. But even when you start the story or begin to describe that moment, no words seem to do it justice.
The best way I know to describe that moment when you become a first-time parent is...INDESCRIBABLE.
At 7:03am on July 30th, my life changed forever. Most people would say, "duh, you're a father now...duh, you got a baby to take care of...duh, you're gonna be changing diapers, a lot...duh, you won't sleep, ever." And all those things would be true, oh so true...
But that's not what really changed, or should I say, that wasn't the major change that took place.
Once I heard that first cry, for the first time, I was torn between being concerned & focused for my wife's safety and health, and being overly concerned and focused for this tiny little girl whom I've never actually seen in person or even held in my arms. It's a very odd feeling...a very confusing feeling. I've loved and gotten to know my wife for 9 years. We developed such a strong love for one another that it became second nature to be more concerned with her than with any other person on the planet. It's second nature for me to feel her pain and protect her. From 6:55am-7:03am my wife was laying on an operating table being cut open. A major surgery, to say the least. I was scared, because she was scared. I was worried, because she was worried. Despite her being completely numb with medicines, I could feel her pain. 8 minutes of being completely devoted to her every need. But there really wasn't anything I could give her during that time, except my presence, and my love, and my reassurance, and my hand. At 7:03am, for the first time ever, I felt like someone else needed me, and my undivided attention.
After that first cry, they took Faith and moved her to a warm bed that was literally 8 feet away from the operating table, but it might as well have been on the other side of the planet. I was in emotional limbo...
The doctors had to take Faith to the other side of the room to clean her, check her, weigh her and measure her. And her cries sounded like she was begging to be comforted by her parents. Heather couldn't move, so I had to. I had to be there for her. I couldn't bare the thought of leaving Heather lying on a operating table, but Faith needed me too.
I just sort of stumbled from the left side of room to the right side of the room. "baby, are you ok?," I'd ask Heather. Then back to Faith to check on her. Then back to Heather. And back to Faith. Back and forth. Seemed like eternity. Probably lasted 15 minutes. I really have no idea. However long it took to get a baby ready and to stitch up Heather...seemed like hours. I couldn't escape that "limbo" feeling. Not knowing who needed me more, not knowing whom I should be closest too, and just feelings of being torn in 2 different directions.
I've spent 9 years falling in love with Heather. I've been conditioned to run to her in time of need, or in time of hurt, pain, etc. But that feeling became instinctual in an instant when I heard Faiths cry for the first time.
After they had finally wrapped Faith's 5lb 11oz body up in blankets, I was able to carry her to Heather. It seemed like forever since they had separated mother and daughter from each other. But as soon as both were ready, they were reunited.
That was the second "issue" Heather had with having a c-section. We'd heard and even been told that it could be a minimum of a couple of hours before Heather could hold Faith. She would have to recover from not only the surgery, but from the drugs as well. But before the doctors and nurses could even roll us out of the OR, there they were...together...Faith was wrapped up in mommy's arms.
Turned out that the "second issue" never was an issue. Heather got to hold our precious baby girl sooner than we both had imagined.
The next few hours were just an overwhelming blur. We were exhausted, yet excited. A really odd, conflicting, yet surreal feeling. "Issue #3" was fast approaching.
Heather had been dead set on breast feeding Faith from day one. She worried that the c-section would hinder that experience, delay it, or possibly prevent her from breast feeding. It's all still a blur as to how that first attempt at breast feeding went. Faith did pretty well with a little assistance. They brought in the pump machine and gave us the run down. Heather pumped that first time for 15-20 minutes, and immediately we were depressed by the results. Must have been a tablespoon full only. We were sitting in the room alone, sulking over these few drops of "liquid gold." When the nurse came back in, we showed her the results and to our surprise we got what we thought was a pity party. But the nurse was so overly excited. "Wow, good job mommy!" she said. "That's amazing for the first time". Really? We were so confused but our spirits had been lifted. Sure enough, each time on the pump produced more and more! By the second day, Heather was being labeled an "over-producer!"
So if you're keeping count...all of our fears, worries, and anxieties about having a c-section had been put to rest. Praise God!
But God had something else to show me through this experience. He had something in store for me that would be so eye-opening that it would change my life, my Christian walk, and my heart forever. Once the dust had settled, and the excitement and visitors calmed down...God settled me down. Me, Heather, and Faith were finally all alone. I can't say He spoke to me audibly, but He showed me something that I could never wrap my head around before becoming a father...
...more to come...
The best way I know to describe that moment when you become a first-time parent is...INDESCRIBABLE.
At 7:03am on July 30th, my life changed forever. Most people would say, "duh, you're a father now...duh, you got a baby to take care of...duh, you're gonna be changing diapers, a lot...duh, you won't sleep, ever." And all those things would be true, oh so true...
But that's not what really changed, or should I say, that wasn't the major change that took place.
Once I heard that first cry, for the first time, I was torn between being concerned & focused for my wife's safety and health, and being overly concerned and focused for this tiny little girl whom I've never actually seen in person or even held in my arms. It's a very odd feeling...a very confusing feeling. I've loved and gotten to know my wife for 9 years. We developed such a strong love for one another that it became second nature to be more concerned with her than with any other person on the planet. It's second nature for me to feel her pain and protect her. From 6:55am-7:03am my wife was laying on an operating table being cut open. A major surgery, to say the least. I was scared, because she was scared. I was worried, because she was worried. Despite her being completely numb with medicines, I could feel her pain. 8 minutes of being completely devoted to her every need. But there really wasn't anything I could give her during that time, except my presence, and my love, and my reassurance, and my hand. At 7:03am, for the first time ever, I felt like someone else needed me, and my undivided attention.
After that first cry, they took Faith and moved her to a warm bed that was literally 8 feet away from the operating table, but it might as well have been on the other side of the planet. I was in emotional limbo...
The doctors had to take Faith to the other side of the room to clean her, check her, weigh her and measure her. And her cries sounded like she was begging to be comforted by her parents. Heather couldn't move, so I had to. I had to be there for her. I couldn't bare the thought of leaving Heather lying on a operating table, but Faith needed me too.
I just sort of stumbled from the left side of room to the right side of the room. "baby, are you ok?," I'd ask Heather. Then back to Faith to check on her. Then back to Heather. And back to Faith. Back and forth. Seemed like eternity. Probably lasted 15 minutes. I really have no idea. However long it took to get a baby ready and to stitch up Heather...seemed like hours. I couldn't escape that "limbo" feeling. Not knowing who needed me more, not knowing whom I should be closest too, and just feelings of being torn in 2 different directions.
I've spent 9 years falling in love with Heather. I've been conditioned to run to her in time of need, or in time of hurt, pain, etc. But that feeling became instinctual in an instant when I heard Faiths cry for the first time.
After they had finally wrapped Faith's 5lb 11oz body up in blankets, I was able to carry her to Heather. It seemed like forever since they had separated mother and daughter from each other. But as soon as both were ready, they were reunited.
That was the second "issue" Heather had with having a c-section. We'd heard and even been told that it could be a minimum of a couple of hours before Heather could hold Faith. She would have to recover from not only the surgery, but from the drugs as well. But before the doctors and nurses could even roll us out of the OR, there they were...together...Faith was wrapped up in mommy's arms.
Turned out that the "second issue" never was an issue. Heather got to hold our precious baby girl sooner than we both had imagined.
The next few hours were just an overwhelming blur. We were exhausted, yet excited. A really odd, conflicting, yet surreal feeling. "Issue #3" was fast approaching.
Heather had been dead set on breast feeding Faith from day one. She worried that the c-section would hinder that experience, delay it, or possibly prevent her from breast feeding. It's all still a blur as to how that first attempt at breast feeding went. Faith did pretty well with a little assistance. They brought in the pump machine and gave us the run down. Heather pumped that first time for 15-20 minutes, and immediately we were depressed by the results. Must have been a tablespoon full only. We were sitting in the room alone, sulking over these few drops of "liquid gold." When the nurse came back in, we showed her the results and to our surprise we got what we thought was a pity party. But the nurse was so overly excited. "Wow, good job mommy!" she said. "That's amazing for the first time". Really? We were so confused but our spirits had been lifted. Sure enough, each time on the pump produced more and more! By the second day, Heather was being labeled an "over-producer!"
So if you're keeping count...all of our fears, worries, and anxieties about having a c-section had been put to rest. Praise God!
But God had something else to show me through this experience. He had something in store for me that would be so eye-opening that it would change my life, my Christian walk, and my heart forever. Once the dust had settled, and the excitement and visitors calmed down...God settled me down. Me, Heather, and Faith were finally all alone. I can't say He spoke to me audibly, but He showed me something that I could never wrap my head around before becoming a father...
...more to come...
Saturday, September 15, 2012
So...We Had a Baby
Sooo, our laptop decided to die. And now I get to try blogging from my phone. We shall see... But I'd be lying of I said that was the only reason I haven't blogged in several weeks. The main reason actually is because we had ourselves a BABY!
I know this news doesn't come as a surprise to most of our family and friends, but Faith Briellah Goddard has arrived!
She decided to bless us with her very presence on July 30th @ 7:03am. She's been with us for nearly 7 weeks now and time has flown by. Before I get to the good stuff though I want to go back and talk about those few weeks and hours before she was born.
As we got further into the 3rd trimester it became evident that Faith was breached and it seemed things were going to be "interesting" to say the least. Heather, particularly, was not very excited about this news. A breached baby meant we might be having a C-section. And a possible C-section brought on a host of issues that Heather and I hoped to avoid.
First issue...Heather was depressed by the idea that after the surgery she wouldn't get to hold Fairh for a few hours while she was recovering. She couldn't even bare the thought of not getting to hold our miracle baby immediately upon birth. And who could blame her? She carried this beautiful baby inside of her for nearly 9 months, and the reward would be holding her for the first time.
Second issue...after a little research, we learned that mothers have a difficult time breast feeding after a c-section. I guess that natural birth sort of jump starts everything (I have no idea what I'm talking about, just assuming). Regardless, Heather knew she wanted to breast feed and knowing it might be harder after a c-section gave her even more incentive to do whatever necessary to have a natural birth.
Third issue...despite Heather being a huge "planner" she hated the idea of planning our daughter's birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise. She didn't want to miss out on the water breakage and the excitement of having a baby at any give moment. Crazy, I know, haha!
As our due date got closer, it became obvious we had a decision to make about the c-section. Either schedule the c-section, or opt to have a procedure (a painful one, apparently) to have Faith manually flipped from the outside of Heather's stomach. Lots of pushing and pulling. They gave us until July 30th to decide.
We prayed so hard that Faith would flip over on her own. Had a whole slew of friends and family praying as well. July 29 was a Sunday. I remember this specifically because we went forward to the alter at church to receive more prayer for Faith to flip. We had basically agreed that if she hadn't flipped by the next day, we would try the procedure. Anything to avoid the c-section. But what happened within the next 24 hours, once again proved that God's timing and plans for us are bigger and better than we can sometimes imagine!
After church that Sunday Heather almost begged me to go to the pool with her. "It might be my last chance to lay out and enjoy the pool before we have a baby," she said. So, we went to the pool.
The weekend prior, Heather was in super-nesting mode. She had a list of things that needed to be done and nothing was going to stop her. She had packed her hospital bags, but I was slacking. I hadn't packed or washed a stitch of clothing. That Sunday, I finally did. As of bedtime, on July 29th, we were ready for a baby. Little did we know, it was our last day as a couple...last day of just the two of us...
Monday morning, July 30th, at roughly 3am Heather woke me up with excitement, but a hint of anxiety..."baby, I think my water broke!", she said. Half asleep I think managed the word, "huh!?". She wasn't 100% sure it was her water breaking because she had woken to use the bathroom and had began feeling contractions. She had read and convinced herself that she had just passed the "mucus plug".
Once again, I was half asleep and had never heard the term "mucus plug". She sort reassured me that it was the beginning stages of birth but not necessarily her water breaking. We were "googling" all this in bed, half asleep. Somehow, we got to the point where we decided to just go back to sleep and simply tell the doctor at our 10am appointment. But Faith had a different plan that was already set into motion...
At roughly 3:30am, I was woke once more..."baby, ok, so I think my water definitely broke this time!". We popped out of bed. Heather went to the toilet to "chill"...for lack of a better term. And I called the overnight doctors line. They said a nurse would call us back shortly. Sure enough, a nurse called and gave us our instructions. "Get showered and cleaned up and bags packed, just in case. No need to rush, but go ahead and head to the hospital so they can see if you need to be admitted."
We got to the hospital at about 5am. We waited until we were almost there to call our parents and siblings. We figured, we had several hours before anything would actually happen. Once we arrived it was pretty clear that Heather's water did break and we were going to be having a baby soon, we just didn't realize how soon. We had to tell the nurses that Faith might still be breached. So they had a midwife come in to check. By 6am, parents had arrived and it was confirmed that we were having ourselves a c-section, whether we liked it or not. And not only were we having one, we were having it ASAP.
One of the 3 "issues" with having a c-section was not wanting to plan Faith's birthday. Mark that off the list. It definitely wasn't scheduled.
We basically had no time to process everything, and had no choice. Faith was breached and she had to come via c-section and it had to be done now.
After Heather's anesthesia and surgery prep, we were ready, or ready as we could be.
They called me in the OR at 6:55am...at 7:03am...I heard Faith's first cry. And my heart would be melted and changed forever.
...to be continued...
I know this news doesn't come as a surprise to most of our family and friends, but Faith Briellah Goddard has arrived!
She decided to bless us with her very presence on July 30th @ 7:03am. She's been with us for nearly 7 weeks now and time has flown by. Before I get to the good stuff though I want to go back and talk about those few weeks and hours before she was born.
As we got further into the 3rd trimester it became evident that Faith was breached and it seemed things were going to be "interesting" to say the least. Heather, particularly, was not very excited about this news. A breached baby meant we might be having a C-section. And a possible C-section brought on a host of issues that Heather and I hoped to avoid.
First issue...Heather was depressed by the idea that after the surgery she wouldn't get to hold Fairh for a few hours while she was recovering. She couldn't even bare the thought of not getting to hold our miracle baby immediately upon birth. And who could blame her? She carried this beautiful baby inside of her for nearly 9 months, and the reward would be holding her for the first time.
Second issue...after a little research, we learned that mothers have a difficult time breast feeding after a c-section. I guess that natural birth sort of jump starts everything (I have no idea what I'm talking about, just assuming). Regardless, Heather knew she wanted to breast feed and knowing it might be harder after a c-section gave her even more incentive to do whatever necessary to have a natural birth.
Third issue...despite Heather being a huge "planner" she hated the idea of planning our daughter's birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise. She didn't want to miss out on the water breakage and the excitement of having a baby at any give moment. Crazy, I know, haha!
As our due date got closer, it became obvious we had a decision to make about the c-section. Either schedule the c-section, or opt to have a procedure (a painful one, apparently) to have Faith manually flipped from the outside of Heather's stomach. Lots of pushing and pulling. They gave us until July 30th to decide.
We prayed so hard that Faith would flip over on her own. Had a whole slew of friends and family praying as well. July 29 was a Sunday. I remember this specifically because we went forward to the alter at church to receive more prayer for Faith to flip. We had basically agreed that if she hadn't flipped by the next day, we would try the procedure. Anything to avoid the c-section. But what happened within the next 24 hours, once again proved that God's timing and plans for us are bigger and better than we can sometimes imagine!
After church that Sunday Heather almost begged me to go to the pool with her. "It might be my last chance to lay out and enjoy the pool before we have a baby," she said. So, we went to the pool.
The weekend prior, Heather was in super-nesting mode. She had a list of things that needed to be done and nothing was going to stop her. She had packed her hospital bags, but I was slacking. I hadn't packed or washed a stitch of clothing. That Sunday, I finally did. As of bedtime, on July 29th, we were ready for a baby. Little did we know, it was our last day as a couple...last day of just the two of us...
Monday morning, July 30th, at roughly 3am Heather woke me up with excitement, but a hint of anxiety..."baby, I think my water broke!", she said. Half asleep I think managed the word, "huh!?". She wasn't 100% sure it was her water breaking because she had woken to use the bathroom and had began feeling contractions. She had read and convinced herself that she had just passed the "mucus plug".
Once again, I was half asleep and had never heard the term "mucus plug". She sort reassured me that it was the beginning stages of birth but not necessarily her water breaking. We were "googling" all this in bed, half asleep. Somehow, we got to the point where we decided to just go back to sleep and simply tell the doctor at our 10am appointment. But Faith had a different plan that was already set into motion...
At roughly 3:30am, I was woke once more..."baby, ok, so I think my water definitely broke this time!". We popped out of bed. Heather went to the toilet to "chill"...for lack of a better term. And I called the overnight doctors line. They said a nurse would call us back shortly. Sure enough, a nurse called and gave us our instructions. "Get showered and cleaned up and bags packed, just in case. No need to rush, but go ahead and head to the hospital so they can see if you need to be admitted."
We got to the hospital at about 5am. We waited until we were almost there to call our parents and siblings. We figured, we had several hours before anything would actually happen. Once we arrived it was pretty clear that Heather's water did break and we were going to be having a baby soon, we just didn't realize how soon. We had to tell the nurses that Faith might still be breached. So they had a midwife come in to check. By 6am, parents had arrived and it was confirmed that we were having ourselves a c-section, whether we liked it or not. And not only were we having one, we were having it ASAP.
One of the 3 "issues" with having a c-section was not wanting to plan Faith's birthday. Mark that off the list. It definitely wasn't scheduled.
We basically had no time to process everything, and had no choice. Faith was breached and she had to come via c-section and it had to be done now.
After Heather's anesthesia and surgery prep, we were ready, or ready as we could be.
They called me in the OR at 6:55am...at 7:03am...I heard Faith's first cry. And my heart would be melted and changed forever.
...to be continued...
Monday, May 28, 2012
Manipulation
Websters Dictionary says manipulate means...to change by artful or unfair means as to serve one's purpose.
Manipulation is an act of selfishness...pure and simple. We all manipulate people and situations through out our lives. Usually not in destructive way (I hope). Like when I really want something, or when I want it my way. I subconsciously use small degrees of manipulation. For instance, when I really want to watch a certain movie that my wife doesn't, so I'm quick to remind her that she picked the movie last and that it was a horrible movie and I didn't even want to watch that movie, but I did anyway, etc. Or I go out of my way to butter my wife up in preparation for something I want. I might clean the house or be extra nice for a day or two, so that when the time comes that I want to ask for something I can remind her of all that I've done for her. You get the drift.
But manipulation can quickly get out of hand... especially once we realize it works. We know who we can manipulate and to what degree. In my marriage, it's usually light-hearted manipulating, but many people in all types of relationship start taking it to a destructive level. Usually manipulation involves Guilt. We've all either used it or been a victim of it.
In our most recent Mens Bible Study at church, our current study dove into the topic of "Character", in which the topic manipulation came up. We are in Pastor Robert Morris series called, "Dream to Destiny." (Excellent series by the way). The teachings are taken out of Genesis and the story of Joseph. When Joseph was in prison after being wrongfully accused of sleeping with Potiphar's wife. He interpretted the dreams of two prisoners (the chief butler and chief baker of Pharaoh). The bakers dream had been interpreted by Joseph, that the baker would die. But the butler's dream was, that in 3 days the butler would be back in favor with Pharaoh and out of prison. What was interesting is that although the Bible repeatedly says, God had "been with" Joseph, and had given Joseph a clear destiny...He still felt the need to tell the butler to remember him when he was with back to Pharaoh. It's easy to see why. We'd probably all do the same thing, right? He wanted out of prison. He "dropped a hint" to the butler; "he when you get out...remember me so I can get out too. If Joseph really believed in the dream/destiny God had given him, and truly trusted and had faith in God to fulfill his destiny why would he need to manipulate the situation and "drop hints"? Maybe if he had just interpreted the dream and kept quiet, then maybe the butler would have remembered him and maybe Joseph would have gotten out sooner..who knows? But one thing is for sure, and I quote Pastor Robert Morris, "God does not reward manipulation."
Joseph was looking out for himself. Joseph tried to manipulate the process that God was taking him through to grow/strengthen his character. Turns out, the butler didn't remember Joseph once he got out of prison. Well, eventually he did....2 years later. But maybe God used that 2 years to really develop Joseph a little more, because God clearly did not reward the manipulation.
Jesus said in John 16:33 that, "In the world, you will have tribulation..." We will all go through trials and trubulations on this earth. But those trials and tribulations are what develop our character and get us ready to eventually step into God's purpose for our life. We don't have to manipulate anyone or any situation...especially God.
Manipulation is selfishness. The Bible doesn't have anything to good to say about selfishness. In 2 Timothy 3:1-5, it talks about being lovers of selves. And it lists a bunch of other not-so-great things along side it...like proud, arrogant, unholy, ungratefulness and heartless just to name a few. But the first thing mentioned is selfishness. And manipulation comes out of selfishness. We're al taught to look out for ourselves, and that you have to promote yourself. But the Bible never teaches self-promotion, that I know of.
Sometimes we're not even aware of when or how often we manipulate people, or circumstances. But God will bring us through trials and tribulations to try and bring those shortcomings to our attention for correction, and growth...to build up our character. Romans 5:3-5 says, "and not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope. Perseverance through tribulation produces character. So if we know we are going to go through tribulation, and we know it is to produce character....the Bible says we should "glory" in tribulation. Because when we go through any particular tribulation, we are being grown up in His ways.
My wife and I put on a excellent display of manipulation when it came to trying to have a baby. We were impatience and manipulative. Obviously we didn't see it at the time. But we were. We knew it was our time to have a baby and get pregnant. We weren't purposely trying to manipulate anyone or any circumstance...but that's what we did. We had a vision, a promise, that we were going to have a family...and soon. But when things didn't work out as fast, and couple that with our complications (for more info read older posts titled, M-word) we were willing to try anything...medicines, procedures, whatever was needed to get things moving. I think back if we had just started trying to get pregnant, naturally, in June of 2010, without trying to manipulate the process or the circumstance....maybe we would have already had a baby and be getting ready for a 2nd...who knows....well God knows, I guess. But God had a plan for us, and whether we realized it at the time, or not...we were trying to manipulate the circumstances into our favor.
We took the circumstance of, not getting pregnant into our own hands. We figured God wanted us to have children...so we are just speeding up the process. I'm definitely not undermining the fact that many people do need help getting pregnant for one reason or the other...and I've seen that God can use todays doctors and advancements in technologies to help get people pregnant when all hope was lost. I'm just using my story for reference here.
In the Bible, tribulations last years and years in some instances. Joseph was in prison for 2 years. Moses was in the desert for 40 years, etc. Seems that how we respond to those trials and tribulations is what determines how long they last. Do we take the time to figure out, why we are going through them, or more importantly, what God is trying to show us, or change in us? But manipulation will only extend those hard times.
Once we surrendered our own agenda for getting pregnant to God, He moved fairly quickly. God was trying so hard to open our eyes and to really put our trust in Him, and not just say we trust Him. I truly believe that. It took almost a year and a half for us to realize it, though. To truly trust Him and His timing. I'm not going to pretend to have a special formula for getting what God has promised you and how to speed up the process. But once we got in tune with what God was teaching us...how he was growing us....how he was building our character to better use us for His good....things started shifting rather quickly. Things started working out for our good....in our favor! And our life has never, and will never, be the same.
Maybe you're in the middle of a trial or time of tribulation. What is God trying to open your eyes to and/or what is He trying to show you? Instead of blaming circumstances or others for the position your in...ask God, the Holy Spirit, to show you what needs to be changed in you, what needs to be grown or matured in your character. God didn't put you in a trial...We often put ourselves into those "pits" or trials. The Bible says we are going to experience trial and tribulation as long as we are on this earth. But that we should rejoice in those times because He will use them to grow us closer to Him and better equip us to do what he has designed us to do. Trials are going to come to all of us...it's our response to those trials that will decide how long we stay in them. Be quick to listen to the Holy Spirit and to stay in the Word so that we can be delivered through the tribulation...not out of the tribulation. Don't depend on yourself to get out of tough times. Trust in God to pick you back up and dust you off. The world (America) projects an idea that we can do anything that we put our mind too. But in reality we can do anything through Jesus Christ. Our flesh will always fall short.
There is no need in trying to manipulate our circumstances or the people around us to get what we want. If manipulation is the tool your using to get out of trials and tribulations....good luck. If you know you're a manipulater....stop...ask for God's help, for the Holy Spirits guidance. God has big plans for you, bigger than you can probably imagine, but you need to grow up first, spiritually speaking (but not limited to mentally, emotionally etc.)...maybe your character needs some fine tuning.
Whats scarier are those that can't see they are manipulaters. They stay in this viscous cycle of unhappiness and unfulfilledness, and maybe even depression, when the manipulation stops working. Maybe they start feeling like no one cares about them or no one likes them...or even worse that maybe God doesn't care about them. That couldn't be further from the truth! If you've been in a "pit" or a trial for what seems like forever....take a look at your own heart first. Maybe there is something in your character that needs to be matured. I'm not talking about flesh immaturity...but not leaving it out either. The Holy Spirit is probably trying to show you something...trying to grow you in one area or another. Listen. Read God's Word. God does not reward manipulation and selfishness. Through prayer, ask God to reveal to you in what areas you are being selfish or using manipulation. Some of us have been in pits for a few months...some for years...some for many years. But in that time have you changed? Have you grown? Have you even taken a look at our self/yourself and seen what in your heart needed to be changed for God's glory? It's so easy in American society to point the finger at someone else, or to pass the blame and never take responsibility for ourselves. But there's a reason you're in a pit. (And it's not because God put you in one). It's up to you how long you stay in the pit. God can pick you up and dust you off in a second, but he's more interested in growing you closer to Him, and prepareing you for what He has called you to do for His kingdom. God won't let you step into your dream or destiny until you're ready for it.
Remember God doesn't need you/me to fulfill His plans...His story. But he'd give anything (and He did... His son, Jesus) to prepare us for what He has designed us to do. He wants us to grow, in Him. He wants to use us to expand his kingdom...when we're ready to allow Him to use us...when we're ready to put our selfishness aside and stop manipulating people and circumstances to get what He has promised us. We have a part to play in our relationship with God....Believe in Him, Trust in Him, Spend time with Him...and Listen to Him.
Manipulation is an act of selfishness...pure and simple. We all manipulate people and situations through out our lives. Usually not in destructive way (I hope). Like when I really want something, or when I want it my way. I subconsciously use small degrees of manipulation. For instance, when I really want to watch a certain movie that my wife doesn't, so I'm quick to remind her that she picked the movie last and that it was a horrible movie and I didn't even want to watch that movie, but I did anyway, etc. Or I go out of my way to butter my wife up in preparation for something I want. I might clean the house or be extra nice for a day or two, so that when the time comes that I want to ask for something I can remind her of all that I've done for her. You get the drift.
But manipulation can quickly get out of hand... especially once we realize it works. We know who we can manipulate and to what degree. In my marriage, it's usually light-hearted manipulating, but many people in all types of relationship start taking it to a destructive level. Usually manipulation involves Guilt. We've all either used it or been a victim of it.
In our most recent Mens Bible Study at church, our current study dove into the topic of "Character", in which the topic manipulation came up. We are in Pastor Robert Morris series called, "Dream to Destiny." (Excellent series by the way). The teachings are taken out of Genesis and the story of Joseph. When Joseph was in prison after being wrongfully accused of sleeping with Potiphar's wife. He interpretted the dreams of two prisoners (the chief butler and chief baker of Pharaoh). The bakers dream had been interpreted by Joseph, that the baker would die. But the butler's dream was, that in 3 days the butler would be back in favor with Pharaoh and out of prison. What was interesting is that although the Bible repeatedly says, God had "been with" Joseph, and had given Joseph a clear destiny...He still felt the need to tell the butler to remember him when he was with back to Pharaoh. It's easy to see why. We'd probably all do the same thing, right? He wanted out of prison. He "dropped a hint" to the butler; "he when you get out...remember me so I can get out too. If Joseph really believed in the dream/destiny God had given him, and truly trusted and had faith in God to fulfill his destiny why would he need to manipulate the situation and "drop hints"? Maybe if he had just interpreted the dream and kept quiet, then maybe the butler would have remembered him and maybe Joseph would have gotten out sooner..who knows? But one thing is for sure, and I quote Pastor Robert Morris, "God does not reward manipulation."
Joseph was looking out for himself. Joseph tried to manipulate the process that God was taking him through to grow/strengthen his character. Turns out, the butler didn't remember Joseph once he got out of prison. Well, eventually he did....2 years later. But maybe God used that 2 years to really develop Joseph a little more, because God clearly did not reward the manipulation.
Jesus said in John 16:33 that, "In the world, you will have tribulation..." We will all go through trials and trubulations on this earth. But those trials and tribulations are what develop our character and get us ready to eventually step into God's purpose for our life. We don't have to manipulate anyone or any situation...especially God.
Manipulation is selfishness. The Bible doesn't have anything to good to say about selfishness. In 2 Timothy 3:1-5, it talks about being lovers of selves. And it lists a bunch of other not-so-great things along side it...like proud, arrogant, unholy, ungratefulness and heartless just to name a few. But the first thing mentioned is selfishness. And manipulation comes out of selfishness. We're al taught to look out for ourselves, and that you have to promote yourself. But the Bible never teaches self-promotion, that I know of.
Sometimes we're not even aware of when or how often we manipulate people, or circumstances. But God will bring us through trials and tribulations to try and bring those shortcomings to our attention for correction, and growth...to build up our character. Romans 5:3-5 says, "and not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope. Perseverance through tribulation produces character. So if we know we are going to go through tribulation, and we know it is to produce character....the Bible says we should "glory" in tribulation. Because when we go through any particular tribulation, we are being grown up in His ways.
My wife and I put on a excellent display of manipulation when it came to trying to have a baby. We were impatience and manipulative. Obviously we didn't see it at the time. But we were. We knew it was our time to have a baby and get pregnant. We weren't purposely trying to manipulate anyone or any circumstance...but that's what we did. We had a vision, a promise, that we were going to have a family...and soon. But when things didn't work out as fast, and couple that with our complications (for more info read older posts titled, M-word) we were willing to try anything...medicines, procedures, whatever was needed to get things moving. I think back if we had just started trying to get pregnant, naturally, in June of 2010, without trying to manipulate the process or the circumstance....maybe we would have already had a baby and be getting ready for a 2nd...who knows....well God knows, I guess. But God had a plan for us, and whether we realized it at the time, or not...we were trying to manipulate the circumstances into our favor.
We took the circumstance of, not getting pregnant into our own hands. We figured God wanted us to have children...so we are just speeding up the process. I'm definitely not undermining the fact that many people do need help getting pregnant for one reason or the other...and I've seen that God can use todays doctors and advancements in technologies to help get people pregnant when all hope was lost. I'm just using my story for reference here.
In the Bible, tribulations last years and years in some instances. Joseph was in prison for 2 years. Moses was in the desert for 40 years, etc. Seems that how we respond to those trials and tribulations is what determines how long they last. Do we take the time to figure out, why we are going through them, or more importantly, what God is trying to show us, or change in us? But manipulation will only extend those hard times.
Once we surrendered our own agenda for getting pregnant to God, He moved fairly quickly. God was trying so hard to open our eyes and to really put our trust in Him, and not just say we trust Him. I truly believe that. It took almost a year and a half for us to realize it, though. To truly trust Him and His timing. I'm not going to pretend to have a special formula for getting what God has promised you and how to speed up the process. But once we got in tune with what God was teaching us...how he was growing us....how he was building our character to better use us for His good....things started shifting rather quickly. Things started working out for our good....in our favor! And our life has never, and will never, be the same.
Maybe you're in the middle of a trial or time of tribulation. What is God trying to open your eyes to and/or what is He trying to show you? Instead of blaming circumstances or others for the position your in...ask God, the Holy Spirit, to show you what needs to be changed in you, what needs to be grown or matured in your character. God didn't put you in a trial...We often put ourselves into those "pits" or trials. The Bible says we are going to experience trial and tribulation as long as we are on this earth. But that we should rejoice in those times because He will use them to grow us closer to Him and better equip us to do what he has designed us to do. Trials are going to come to all of us...it's our response to those trials that will decide how long we stay in them. Be quick to listen to the Holy Spirit and to stay in the Word so that we can be delivered through the tribulation...not out of the tribulation. Don't depend on yourself to get out of tough times. Trust in God to pick you back up and dust you off. The world (America) projects an idea that we can do anything that we put our mind too. But in reality we can do anything through Jesus Christ. Our flesh will always fall short.
There is no need in trying to manipulate our circumstances or the people around us to get what we want. If manipulation is the tool your using to get out of trials and tribulations....good luck. If you know you're a manipulater....stop...ask for God's help, for the Holy Spirits guidance. God has big plans for you, bigger than you can probably imagine, but you need to grow up first, spiritually speaking (but not limited to mentally, emotionally etc.)...maybe your character needs some fine tuning.
Whats scarier are those that can't see they are manipulaters. They stay in this viscous cycle of unhappiness and unfulfilledness, and maybe even depression, when the manipulation stops working. Maybe they start feeling like no one cares about them or no one likes them...or even worse that maybe God doesn't care about them. That couldn't be further from the truth! If you've been in a "pit" or a trial for what seems like forever....take a look at your own heart first. Maybe there is something in your character that needs to be matured. I'm not talking about flesh immaturity...but not leaving it out either. The Holy Spirit is probably trying to show you something...trying to grow you in one area or another. Listen. Read God's Word. God does not reward manipulation and selfishness. Through prayer, ask God to reveal to you in what areas you are being selfish or using manipulation. Some of us have been in pits for a few months...some for years...some for many years. But in that time have you changed? Have you grown? Have you even taken a look at our self/yourself and seen what in your heart needed to be changed for God's glory? It's so easy in American society to point the finger at someone else, or to pass the blame and never take responsibility for ourselves. But there's a reason you're in a pit. (And it's not because God put you in one). It's up to you how long you stay in the pit. God can pick you up and dust you off in a second, but he's more interested in growing you closer to Him, and prepareing you for what He has called you to do for His kingdom. God won't let you step into your dream or destiny until you're ready for it.
Remember God doesn't need you/me to fulfill His plans...His story. But he'd give anything (and He did... His son, Jesus) to prepare us for what He has designed us to do. He wants us to grow, in Him. He wants to use us to expand his kingdom...when we're ready to allow Him to use us...when we're ready to put our selfishness aside and stop manipulating people and circumstances to get what He has promised us. We have a part to play in our relationship with God....Believe in Him, Trust in Him, Spend time with Him...and Listen to Him.
Friday, May 11, 2012
...Distractions
Why did I even start this blog? I had to remind myself of that recently. It wasn't just for fun. It wasn't because I thought I had something profound to say. It wasn't for anyone in particular. I wanted to do it for me.
I've always enjoyed writing, and I'm not sure why. After high school I really wanted to be a journalist....specifically a sportswriter. I didn't finish college, but while I was there I took as many journalism classes as I could. They were the only classes I actually enjoyed, by far. I got a part-time job/paid internship at a local newspaper. Not actually writing anything but I thought it was so cool to be working at real newspaper! I'd answer phones, and enter stats and scores in the "scoreboard" section. It was fun, for awhile, but I started getting bored with it. I had to go in after classes and work up until the deadline which was anywhere from 10:30pm-11:30pm, depending on the day. So I was mostly just working in a cubicle environment with night editors. The people I worked with (maybe 3-6 editors) seemed...depressed. Not that they were actually depressed, but they didn't seem happy doing their job. It began to wear me down after a few months. I came in passionate about journalism and writing, and seeing the people "in the business" be so unhappy just sucked all my passion out of me. I was like, "so this is what it's really like?" Now maybe the reporters, journalists, and people actually doing the writing were much happier...I didn't know. But all I knew was, I didn't wanna be like the "people who worked at a newspaper." I was at a crossroads. My college didn't offer journalism as a major, and the things they did offer didn't really interest me. Combine that with my new outlook on journalism, and I was done. Whatever I did in life...I just wanted it to make me happy. To be excited about my future. So I quit my job at the newspaper, and dropped out of college.
That probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but here I am....writing a blog. Ever since those days of college and the newspaper job, I've been wanting to write...about anything...just wanted to write. Someone at my church said to me last year, "why don't you start a blog?" Then I said to myself, "why not, but what would I write about?" Quickly it was brought up that maybe I should write about being a first time dad. For weeks, I thought about the possibilities...what should I title the blog, how often should I write, how specific or vague should I be? The list of whats, and whens went on forever.
Every time I get ready to start something new, I just bog myself down with questions and insecurities of why it won't work out, do I really know what I'm doing, what I don't know, is now the right time, etc. I procrastinate so much because of that. I'm the type of person, that when I do start something...I'm all in. I'm in it until the task, problem, or mission has been completed. I try to figure out every detail of what may or may not work out, and every possibility until I just drain myself and grow complacent with my original idea or plan. Then I just stall out and nothing gets done. Or I'll procrastinate until nothing ever happens at all. Maybe I have some type of fear of failing or fear of not finishing. But one thing is for sure...once I commit to something...I'm all in. That's how I approach everything in life...good or bad. It's even how I approached Christianity. I delayed and put off accepting Jesus until I was ready to go "all in."
Same for this blog. I put it off for so many reasons, until another church friend gave me a brilliant idea. I wasted so much time thinking about what I might write about...thinking about specifics that I lost sight of the big picture.
Since becoming a Christian, I had heard so many times how important it was to spend time in the Word. Not in a legalistic (check off a box) kind of way. But as a encouragement to really grow in my relationship with Him. The Bible can speak to us if we take the time to listen. But that's the hard part...taking the time...and listening. No one at my church has ever put condemnation on me for not journaling or doing daily devotions, but they have always encouraged me to start. And that I would see the results in my relationship with God and my personal growth, in all areas of my life.
Over the past couple of months, journaling and devotions have really been on my mind. I've been feeling such conviction on not really taking the time to dive into the Word and spending time with God. Every book, podcast, Bible study, and message I've been hearing lately has been a reminder that I'm still not making my time with God, through His word, a priority in my life.
So in a conversation with our church's youth pastor, we got onto the topic of journaling and devotions, and he jokingly suggested I should combine my interest in starting a blog and journaling. What a brilliant idea, I thought. I was motivated to do both, but procrastinated both as well. That same day...this blog was birthed. But I felt like I had to give people the perspective of where I came from and why I am who I am today. My testimony. So now that I've done that...I need to start doing what I originally planned to do...use this blog to keep myself honest and accountable for my journaling.
Now that I've gotten all my "past" out of the way. It's time to start journaling, right? Haha. A couple of Fridays ago, I decided...today is the day. I've read a few verses here and there, and read a chapter here and there. But never did I "journal" before. Never did I take the time to really focus and jot down some notes on what I had read and what God may be revealing or teaching me in through those verses and chapters. I've actually had my physical journal for nearly 5 months. And had never written one word in it. So Friday arrived...
On Fridays I don't have to be at work until 12:30pm, so I had plenty of time to "journal." So I woke up (at 10am, don't judge me...we having a baby soon and I am embracing the idea of sleeping in while I have the chance) and thought before I start this journaling thing, I need to freshen up. But I had so much extra time I thought I would just lay in bed for a bit and watch some SportsCenter first. Eventually, I got in the shower. After the shower I was like...I might as well brush my teeth before journaling. Then after brushing my teeth I was like....I should probably gel/fix my hair now, in case my journaling time goes too long and then I'll be rushed to fix my hair. So I spiked my hair, like I normally do. By this time it's nearly 11:30am, and since I had pre-determined that I would do my journaling downstairs at our kitchen table, I should probably get my clothes for the day and throw them in the dryer to freshen them up as well. (Am I the only person who needs to put my fresh already clean clothes back in the dryer before wearing them that day? Anyone else? haha). Now, I'm finally downstairs and I think to myself....I should grab a bottle of water to drink before and while I'm journaling. So I did. With the type of table we have, Heather is adamant about putting down table place mats and coasters out if we're going to be using the table. So I grab a coaster and place mat. I grab my journal, grab a pen and then think...should I use my iPhone Bible app to read or should I use my actual Bible that has notes, captions, etc in it? I decided to use my phone since it was handy. But then I think...some worship music in the back ground would be nice to listen to. I start scrolling through my music for a few minutes...should I listen to Needtobreathe, Jesus Culture, David Crowder, etc? I decide on Needtobreathe. Then I open my Bible app on my phone and realize that to read a couple chapters, I have to do a lot of scrolling down. After just a few verses, I'm already focused on how annoying it is to be scrolling so much. I need my actual Bible, I thought to myself. So I start looking for my Bible. (How sad is it that I didn't know where my Bible was?) I remembered I had left it in my truck, from church on Sunday. Finally I am back inside and at my kitchen table with my Bible and am ready to get re-focused. But within 30 seconds of getting re-focused, all I can concentrate on is the song playing...I love Needtobreathe and just can't help singing along with them. Maybe Needtobreathe wasn't the best musical selection for Bible reading and journaling after all. So I decide on Jesus Culture. But Jesus Culture did the same thing...got me singing. Then I decide to just turn off the music, but I didn't like the silence in the house, so I turned it back on. This time I just turned it down real low. But then it was too low. I turned it back up. That was too loud. Adjusted it lower again. Finally, I was ready to read...and, more importantly, listen!
I follow our church's journal outline, which means I read a little Old Testament, then a little New Testament. But by the time I got to NT stuff I realized that I was running short on time. Reading the Bible isn't hard...but making time to journal was the hard part for me. Now here I was, having read the recommended readings, but quickly running out of time...again. But I pressed on. I wrote what I felt like stuck out to me and just got to work a few minutes late.
What I realized is...taking...I mean...Making time for God is hard, when you're not accustomed to doing so. But making time for stuff we "want" do is easy. Haha. I made time that day for SportsCenter, but rushed my time with God. I'm still working on prioritizing the important things in my life. I'm willing to bet a lot of Christians don't spend enough time in the Word. Not because we don't love God, but because we don't see the importance of it. How can I know what God has promised me, or what He has planned for me, or what He would like to change in me, etc. if I don't take the time to find out.
The world, or some might say the Enemy, will do anything to keep our eyes distracted from God. We have routines, schedules, and "priorities" in life that keep us so busy all the time. Maybe if we'd take just a few minutes with God each day He could reveal new plans for us...maybe even bigger and better plans than we already had for ourselves. Maybe He would free up our schedule to live more practical lives, rather than just being so busy all the time.
I've been part of a men's Bible study every Tuesday morning at 6am for several months now. I know what most people are thinking..."6am?...are serious?...on a workday?" But it has been amazing and now I can't miss it! The very first meeting we had...I completely forgot about, and overslept. I'm not used to waking up before 8 or 9, so the idea of waking up at 5am was completely out of my norm and way out of my comfort zone. It didn't sound fun at all! But after that first meeting I actually made it too, I realized real quick that from now on, I can't miss it. The connections and relationships us men have formed through this once-a-week gathering has truly changed us. We've been able to take time to really dive into studies on the power of our words, the Holy Spirit, relationships, and so much more. Each guy that attends has the same testimony..."Tuesday's are the best day of the work week." You can really feel a difference when you spend the first part of your day focusing on God and what He has in store to teach us. We have been growing in our relationship with each other...but more importantly with God!
I have been connecting some dots recently. If I can feel a real difference, a real presence of God in my life on Tuesday's...why wouldn't I want that same feeling the other days of the week? And my favorite day of the weekend is Sunday. Because on Sunday I am able to focus a part out of my day to worship God and receive a message/sermon/teaching right out of the Word of God. My point is, that I can't always rely on others to bring God to me, or to spoon feed me His word. Well, actually I can do that...but why would I want to? Why would I want to keep God in a "box," or at church? God has been showing me that it is to my benefit that I make time for Him and rally listen to Him each day!
I'm not where I want to be or need to be when it comes to spending time with God. And I'm sure there are plenty of Christians who are in the same position. It's not about condemnation. We're still going to Heaven one day, if we've accepted Him. But God has such a desire to grow us and show us what he has in store for us. I don't think He wants us to just rest in the fact that we are going to Heaven, but wants us to experience Heaven on earth. He wants us to grow closer to Him and not just live and struggle on this planet like everybody else. We should be living supernatural lives! So that others around us can see God working in our lives. We need encouragement in tough times, we need healing (physical, emotional, spiritual), we need correcting, we need to hear the promises He has for us, etc. We all want these things and more, but do we really take or make the time to sit down, alone with God, and actually listen. His words are right there...all we have to do is open our eyes, hearts, minds....and Bible.
I don't have it all figured out, but God does. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but God does. God knows everything about me/us...my/our strengths, my/our weaknesses, my/our dreams, my/our plans, my/our insecurities, etc. And I believe He is so anxious to help me/us in all these areas...If I/we will take the time to LISTEN through His Word!
I've always enjoyed writing, and I'm not sure why. After high school I really wanted to be a journalist....specifically a sportswriter. I didn't finish college, but while I was there I took as many journalism classes as I could. They were the only classes I actually enjoyed, by far. I got a part-time job/paid internship at a local newspaper. Not actually writing anything but I thought it was so cool to be working at real newspaper! I'd answer phones, and enter stats and scores in the "scoreboard" section. It was fun, for awhile, but I started getting bored with it. I had to go in after classes and work up until the deadline which was anywhere from 10:30pm-11:30pm, depending on the day. So I was mostly just working in a cubicle environment with night editors. The people I worked with (maybe 3-6 editors) seemed...depressed. Not that they were actually depressed, but they didn't seem happy doing their job. It began to wear me down after a few months. I came in passionate about journalism and writing, and seeing the people "in the business" be so unhappy just sucked all my passion out of me. I was like, "so this is what it's really like?" Now maybe the reporters, journalists, and people actually doing the writing were much happier...I didn't know. But all I knew was, I didn't wanna be like the "people who worked at a newspaper." I was at a crossroads. My college didn't offer journalism as a major, and the things they did offer didn't really interest me. Combine that with my new outlook on journalism, and I was done. Whatever I did in life...I just wanted it to make me happy. To be excited about my future. So I quit my job at the newspaper, and dropped out of college.
That probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but here I am....writing a blog. Ever since those days of college and the newspaper job, I've been wanting to write...about anything...just wanted to write. Someone at my church said to me last year, "why don't you start a blog?" Then I said to myself, "why not, but what would I write about?" Quickly it was brought up that maybe I should write about being a first time dad. For weeks, I thought about the possibilities...what should I title the blog, how often should I write, how specific or vague should I be? The list of whats, and whens went on forever.
Every time I get ready to start something new, I just bog myself down with questions and insecurities of why it won't work out, do I really know what I'm doing, what I don't know, is now the right time, etc. I procrastinate so much because of that. I'm the type of person, that when I do start something...I'm all in. I'm in it until the task, problem, or mission has been completed. I try to figure out every detail of what may or may not work out, and every possibility until I just drain myself and grow complacent with my original idea or plan. Then I just stall out and nothing gets done. Or I'll procrastinate until nothing ever happens at all. Maybe I have some type of fear of failing or fear of not finishing. But one thing is for sure...once I commit to something...I'm all in. That's how I approach everything in life...good or bad. It's even how I approached Christianity. I delayed and put off accepting Jesus until I was ready to go "all in."
Same for this blog. I put it off for so many reasons, until another church friend gave me a brilliant idea. I wasted so much time thinking about what I might write about...thinking about specifics that I lost sight of the big picture.
Since becoming a Christian, I had heard so many times how important it was to spend time in the Word. Not in a legalistic (check off a box) kind of way. But as a encouragement to really grow in my relationship with Him. The Bible can speak to us if we take the time to listen. But that's the hard part...taking the time...and listening. No one at my church has ever put condemnation on me for not journaling or doing daily devotions, but they have always encouraged me to start. And that I would see the results in my relationship with God and my personal growth, in all areas of my life.
Over the past couple of months, journaling and devotions have really been on my mind. I've been feeling such conviction on not really taking the time to dive into the Word and spending time with God. Every book, podcast, Bible study, and message I've been hearing lately has been a reminder that I'm still not making my time with God, through His word, a priority in my life.
So in a conversation with our church's youth pastor, we got onto the topic of journaling and devotions, and he jokingly suggested I should combine my interest in starting a blog and journaling. What a brilliant idea, I thought. I was motivated to do both, but procrastinated both as well. That same day...this blog was birthed. But I felt like I had to give people the perspective of where I came from and why I am who I am today. My testimony. So now that I've done that...I need to start doing what I originally planned to do...use this blog to keep myself honest and accountable for my journaling.
Now that I've gotten all my "past" out of the way. It's time to start journaling, right? Haha. A couple of Fridays ago, I decided...today is the day. I've read a few verses here and there, and read a chapter here and there. But never did I "journal" before. Never did I take the time to really focus and jot down some notes on what I had read and what God may be revealing or teaching me in through those verses and chapters. I've actually had my physical journal for nearly 5 months. And had never written one word in it. So Friday arrived...
On Fridays I don't have to be at work until 12:30pm, so I had plenty of time to "journal." So I woke up (at 10am, don't judge me...we having a baby soon and I am embracing the idea of sleeping in while I have the chance) and thought before I start this journaling thing, I need to freshen up. But I had so much extra time I thought I would just lay in bed for a bit and watch some SportsCenter first. Eventually, I got in the shower. After the shower I was like...I might as well brush my teeth before journaling. Then after brushing my teeth I was like....I should probably gel/fix my hair now, in case my journaling time goes too long and then I'll be rushed to fix my hair. So I spiked my hair, like I normally do. By this time it's nearly 11:30am, and since I had pre-determined that I would do my journaling downstairs at our kitchen table, I should probably get my clothes for the day and throw them in the dryer to freshen them up as well. (Am I the only person who needs to put my fresh already clean clothes back in the dryer before wearing them that day? Anyone else? haha). Now, I'm finally downstairs and I think to myself....I should grab a bottle of water to drink before and while I'm journaling. So I did. With the type of table we have, Heather is adamant about putting down table place mats and coasters out if we're going to be using the table. So I grab a coaster and place mat. I grab my journal, grab a pen and then think...should I use my iPhone Bible app to read or should I use my actual Bible that has notes, captions, etc in it? I decided to use my phone since it was handy. But then I think...some worship music in the back ground would be nice to listen to. I start scrolling through my music for a few minutes...should I listen to Needtobreathe, Jesus Culture, David Crowder, etc? I decide on Needtobreathe. Then I open my Bible app on my phone and realize that to read a couple chapters, I have to do a lot of scrolling down. After just a few verses, I'm already focused on how annoying it is to be scrolling so much. I need my actual Bible, I thought to myself. So I start looking for my Bible. (How sad is it that I didn't know where my Bible was?) I remembered I had left it in my truck, from church on Sunday. Finally I am back inside and at my kitchen table with my Bible and am ready to get re-focused. But within 30 seconds of getting re-focused, all I can concentrate on is the song playing...I love Needtobreathe and just can't help singing along with them. Maybe Needtobreathe wasn't the best musical selection for Bible reading and journaling after all. So I decide on Jesus Culture. But Jesus Culture did the same thing...got me singing. Then I decide to just turn off the music, but I didn't like the silence in the house, so I turned it back on. This time I just turned it down real low. But then it was too low. I turned it back up. That was too loud. Adjusted it lower again. Finally, I was ready to read...and, more importantly, listen!
What I realized is...taking...I mean...Making time for God is hard, when you're not accustomed to doing so. But making time for stuff we "want" do is easy. Haha. I made time that day for SportsCenter, but rushed my time with God. I'm still working on prioritizing the important things in my life. I'm willing to bet a lot of Christians don't spend enough time in the Word. Not because we don't love God, but because we don't see the importance of it. How can I know what God has promised me, or what He has planned for me, or what He would like to change in me, etc. if I don't take the time to find out.
The world, or some might say the Enemy, will do anything to keep our eyes distracted from God. We have routines, schedules, and "priorities" in life that keep us so busy all the time. Maybe if we'd take just a few minutes with God each day He could reveal new plans for us...maybe even bigger and better plans than we already had for ourselves. Maybe He would free up our schedule to live more practical lives, rather than just being so busy all the time.
I've been part of a men's Bible study every Tuesday morning at 6am for several months now. I know what most people are thinking..."6am?...are serious?...on a workday?" But it has been amazing and now I can't miss it! The very first meeting we had...I completely forgot about, and overslept. I'm not used to waking up before 8 or 9, so the idea of waking up at 5am was completely out of my norm and way out of my comfort zone. It didn't sound fun at all! But after that first meeting I actually made it too, I realized real quick that from now on, I can't miss it. The connections and relationships us men have formed through this once-a-week gathering has truly changed us. We've been able to take time to really dive into studies on the power of our words, the Holy Spirit, relationships, and so much more. Each guy that attends has the same testimony..."Tuesday's are the best day of the work week." You can really feel a difference when you spend the first part of your day focusing on God and what He has in store to teach us. We have been growing in our relationship with each other...but more importantly with God!
I have been connecting some dots recently. If I can feel a real difference, a real presence of God in my life on Tuesday's...why wouldn't I want that same feeling the other days of the week? And my favorite day of the weekend is Sunday. Because on Sunday I am able to focus a part out of my day to worship God and receive a message/sermon/teaching right out of the Word of God. My point is, that I can't always rely on others to bring God to me, or to spoon feed me His word. Well, actually I can do that...but why would I want to? Why would I want to keep God in a "box," or at church? God has been showing me that it is to my benefit that I make time for Him and rally listen to Him each day!
I'm not where I want to be or need to be when it comes to spending time with God. And I'm sure there are plenty of Christians who are in the same position. It's not about condemnation. We're still going to Heaven one day, if we've accepted Him. But God has such a desire to grow us and show us what he has in store for us. I don't think He wants us to just rest in the fact that we are going to Heaven, but wants us to experience Heaven on earth. He wants us to grow closer to Him and not just live and struggle on this planet like everybody else. We should be living supernatural lives! So that others around us can see God working in our lives. We need encouragement in tough times, we need healing (physical, emotional, spiritual), we need correcting, we need to hear the promises He has for us, etc. We all want these things and more, but do we really take or make the time to sit down, alone with God, and actually listen. His words are right there...all we have to do is open our eyes, hearts, minds....and Bible.
I don't have it all figured out, but God does. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but God does. God knows everything about me/us...my/our strengths, my/our weaknesses, my/our dreams, my/our plans, my/our insecurities, etc. And I believe He is so anxious to help me/us in all these areas...If I/we will take the time to LISTEN through His Word!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
The "M" Word...part 2
I hid my feelings and emotions in for a few days, after the second miscarriage. I was so angry with God. So mad, but I knew I couldn't hold it in for much longer. We met with some very dear friends and pastors (Jason & Alyse Doescher) from our church. They were one of the few people who even knew we were pregnant the second time. They asked just the right questions to bring my feelings to the surface. I hope everyone has friends like that...the kind that don't just settle for what your words are saying, but really listening to your heart. Heather had no idea what was coming. "Yeah, I'm mad at God, really mad!" There, I said it. I broke down, cried with sadness but was filled with anger . I couldn't keep it inside anymore.
Within a few days after our 2nd miscarriage, we had pre-scheduled a vacation. For me it felt like perfect timing. We needed a break from work and life. We needed to be alone. We just needed to get away. Heather wondered "how are we going to have fun and enjoy ourselves in this time of pain?" But we all convinced her that the timing worked in our favor. We really did need time to ourselves and needed to hit the reset button on what to do next. What was our Plan B?
We immediately started questioning our decision to get pregnant with medicines. Realizing that after the combo of meds, we were ovulating almost immediately, where normally women ovulate 2 weeks, or halfway, between "cycles." It didn't seem healthy or natural to ovulate so fast. I'm not a doctor by any means, but I figured our miscarriages had something to do with the fact that we were fertilizing an egg that was under developed. Seemed like we were forcing Heather's body do things in a very unnatural way.
Within a few days of the miscarriage we were to drive to the beach. Finally our chance to just get away from everything and everyone. Heather loves to read on the beach. I hate reading, but I knew on the inside that I really needed to find a good book to keep my mind busy while soaking in the sun. I browsed the Christian book section forever....looking for that perfect book to jump out at me. I needed something really really really good to help me wrestle through these feelings of anger towards God. I needed answers. If I didn't get a book convincing me that I shouldn't turn away from God...then I would seriously consider doing just that!
 |
| http://www.planbbook.com/ |
I was growing in Christ before we tried to get pregnant, but I was sort of at a point where I was like, "ok, so I'm a Christian, now what?" It's easy to say we have faith in God, but when put to the test...do we really? If God gave me everything I ever asked for immediately...would I even need "faith?" Would I ever grow? Would I ever need to trust Him? It's not really faith at that point is it? To expand upon an analogy from a pastor at my church (Pastor Shelly, thank you)....lets say we are asking for God to help in the area of finances and praying for blessings in that area. But instead of listening to God, trusting and having faith that He will provide for us....we just go out and get a second job to overcome the financial shortcomings ourselves! As Americans, when we need/want something, we just go out and get it. We live in a society where we want things "right now." We rarely give God the opportunity (or time) to step in and do something amazing! Probably something even more amazing than we could ever dream up. We just do it ourselves. Heather and I wanted a baby. So we went out and tried any and every recommended to get ourselves a baby! Surely, God can use doctors to help people, we thought. God was just using doctors and medicines to "heal" us, we convinced ourselves. And don't get me wrong, God does use doctors and people for good. But, we knew God had a plan for us to have children. Did we really have faith that He would deliver on that promise?
It's so easy for us to say, "I trust God," or "I believe God will heal me." But once we see the doctor report, or hear another opinion, or see that we aren't getting better...we are quick to fall back on our own thoughts or the doctors opinions. "God said he will provide for me," but do we really believe it? "God says he will heal me"....but do we believe it?
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert EinstienAfter the second miscarriage we knew one thing; that we could not do the same method of getting pregnant and expect a different result. It's foolish to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time. Plus, we couldn't handle it emotionally. If we had went with the same plan of action, we would be expecting the same result, and we couldn't handle that. From August 2011-November 2011 we were being convicted...or convinced of our "true faith in God." We were relying on doctors and not the vision that God had given us for a family. We struggled with... should we alter the dosage of medications, should we alter the timing of the medications, should we go to an infertility clinic, should we just keep trying naturally, or maybe we should just look into adoption?
Adoption has always been on my heart. I can't explain why...it's just always been something, I knew, I wanted to do. Ironically Heather had thought about it too. We discussed it off and on for years. We kind of decided that we would like to have our own baby, before looking into adoption. But now we were asking ourselves, "why wait?" Why not adopt now? Maybe adoption was God's more immediate plan for us?
Sometime in November we were ready to reveal what our "plan B" was. We told ourselves, and close friends and family that after the holidays, we planned to start the adoption process! We would find an agency and go from there. Not only that, we decided, we were done with getting pregnant by means of medications. We were submitting to God this time... "God, it's in your hands now. We will get pregnant whenever. No rush. We know we are going to have children one day. We will leave the "how" and "when" up to you, God! It was such a freeing thing to give to God! We decided we aren't going to take matters into our hands anymore. God was in control and in His timing, we would have a baby.
One December evening Heather and I were driving home and we started talking about having a baby and wondering how exactly it would happen. I remember saying, "I don't know how or when we are gonna get pregnant, but when it happens, it will happen in such a way that only God will get the glory and all the credit." I didn't wanna get pregnant and have to say, "the doctors really got the right combination of medicine for us." Not that doctors weren't trying their best to help us, and doctors do amazing jobs. But is it selfish to say, "I want God to get all the credit?"
With Christmas 2011 quickly approaching, we were just ready for 2012. We had a plan and were ready to start it. 2011 was painful, but yet we grew in our relationship with God so much. So much than I could ever imagine actually. I was experiencing "transformation." And despite the past pain and hurts, I was at a good place in my faith...especially after God revealed His plan for our family in a miraculous way!!!
Late December, Heather woke up after having a dream that we had just had a baby boy. The dream sort of got her depressed. It felt so real, she thought....until she woke up. I could hear the initial excitement in her voice as she was telling me all about it. But as the day went on, I think she started over-thinking it. She started thinking, "I wish my dream was real." Then all she could think about how sad it was that she only experienced having a baby while dreaming. Was God teasing her or speaking to her? The next day at work a co-worker told Heather, she had a dream that Heather had a baby boy. What!? How weird is that? A few more days past and Heather just couldn't shake the dream from her mind. What is it a sign we were pregnant, or maybe were about to be pregnant? We haven't been trying to get pregnant...but even if we had...she hadn't had a period or ovulated since June!
On December 15, 2011 Heather decided (without my approval, haha) that she had to find out what the dream meant. She had a pregnancy test at home leftover from "our medical record keeping days." So a couple weeks before Christmas, Heather took it upon herself to take a pregnancy test to confirm, or put to rest the dream she had...
...now I'm not sure what happened between the time she took the test until the time I got home from work. Must have been about 30 minutes, that she sat there looking at the results of the pregnancy test. Long enough, I guess, to try and figure out...what? when? how did this happen?...
I walked in the front door, and heard Heather yell from our upstairs bedroom, "babe, can you come up here?" "Coming," I yell back at her. I was not prepared in any way to hear the words that would come out of her mouth. I still had my mind on the days work and how I was ready to be home and relax. Not knowing she had secretly taken a pregnancy test. Ever since her dream I knew she wanted to take a test, but I just didn't want her too. If it came up negative, I knew she'd be disappointed. Why put her through that? We hadn't been on any meds and she hadn't had a period...so of course we couldn't possibly be pregnant, I thought.
I walk into our room, and see Heather standing there, like she had something to say. She sort of that "dear in the headlights look." I could tell for an instant, that she had been waiting on me, anxiously...
"We're pregnant," she said, in such a matter of fact way. I'm not sure what I said next honestly, but I think it was along the lines of, "huh?" She said it again, "we are pregnant!" Then again I said something profound like, "how?" "I don't know, but we are pregnant!" she said.
Have you ever seen something or heard something so amazing that you are at a loss for words and emotions? Stunned. Speechless. Shocked. I think it took several minutes to wrap my head around the fact that, we were experiencing the results of an absolute miracle from God! A miracle! We hadn't been trying at all to get pregnant. To be open and honest, our "romantic life" had suffered from the whole getting pregnant ordeal we had been wrestling with. Heather hadn't had a period in months. How was this possible? Because God is bigger than any circumstance! God is faithful! God is still in the miracle business! That's how it happened. And guess who got all the glory?....God.
On the subject of miracles. Before we had gotten pregnant, I watched this hour-long show on conception and what happens inside a woman's body during the beginning stages of pregnancy. How the egg and sperm meet up and how the egg is fertilized, etc. After watching this amazing process and listening to an hour of "scientific" (hard to understand) explanations on how this all works, I came away with one impression. I could sum up what "they" said in one word....our new "M" word...Miracle!
Science can try and explain the things of this earth all they want. But conception and new life is simply a miracle. If you are alive right now, it's because of God. Any person who is a mother or a daughter, or a father or a son, has experienced a miracle!
We immediately started talking about how we were gonna tell people about this miracle. Should we drive around town on a Thursday evening spreading the great news? Or. Should we use the Christmas holiday to our advantage and really surprise the pants off the family and tell them on Christmas day? We already had a doctor appointment scheduled for the following Monday, in which they were going to look at Heather's uterus to see if they could find any physical damages that may have caused 2 miscarriages. I love God's timing. We didn't even have to schedule an appointment...it had been scheduled weeks ago in advance. We couldn't wait for the doctor to confirm our positive tests. Notice I said, "tests," haha. We took 6 pregnancy tests! We had to keep reminding ourselves...was this really happening!? We owed it to ourselves to see that many positive tests, after seeing so many negative ones.
I'm still amazed that we found out we were pregnant just days before we were scheduled to have Heather's uterus checked out for abnormalities that may have caused miscarriages. It was also the appointment in which we were going to tell the doctor that we were done with the medicines and that we would be taking a break from the medical routine we had been in for over a year. Talk about God's timing and faithfulness.
The doctor confirmed that we were pregnant, of course. We had no clue how far along we were. There was no "last period" to give any indication of when we might ave gotten pregnant. We asked to schedule an ultrasound ASAP to see how far along we were and to see our baby's heartbeat. We wanted the ultrasound before Christmas so we could show the little black and white photos to our family! But the doctor was hesitant. They would need to do blood work to see how high the "pregnancy hormone" was before scheduling an ultrasound appointment. If the number was high enough, he promised he would squeeze us in for an ultrasound before Christmas Eve. We've had this blood work done before, during the the first to pregnancies. The number had to be at a certain level before they would do the ultrasound. So we hoped and prayed the results were high enough to get us in...got a phone call that not only were the numbers high enough, but they were the highest pregnancy hormone number we had ever had, including the first two pregnancies. The number was double of what it needed to be. So the ultrasound was scheduled just days before Christmas Eve.
As the ultrasound appointment got closer and closer, fear started creeping in our minds. Ultrasounds made us nervous, never knowing what we may or may not see. But we continually reminded ourselves that this time was different. Radically different. This had God's signature written all over it. Why would we doubt Him now?
Everything about this pregnancy was different. Down to the doctors office, the doctor, even the ultrasound tech. Which actually gave us a peace of mind. Everything about the first 2 pregnancies was the same, and this one was so very different in nearly every single way.
The day of the ultrasound, we were once again nervous wrecks. I couldn't shake the old memories of past ultrasounds. We finally get into the room and Heather and I are just tense, anxious, and scared. We needed to see the flickering heartbeat...we needed to see it. And almost immediately, the flickering heartbeat appeared on the screen! This time we couldn't even cry with excitement. All the tension and hardness in our heart and mind just melted away. Felt like the world had just been removed from our shoulders. I could have stared at the flickering light of a heartbeat for hours.
 |
| Christmas card we gave to family on Christmas day! 2011. *notice the heart shape, we thought that was cool!* |
As of yesterday, May 1, 2012, we are 25 weeks into the pregnancy. Every week is another milestone for us. We got past the first trimester. Had our ultrasound to find out the sex...
It's a GIRL!
And now we are just patiently waiting to hold our little miracle baby girl!
 |
| 3/20/12; Day we found out we were having a GIRL! |
Being pregnant and seeing this baby grow is a testament to our Faith. It has wavered, but God has restored it in miraculous ways. We trust Him. He has taught us the most valuable lesson in the area of faith. If you truly put your faith in Him....He will always, always be faithful to you. He will not disappoint you. God is a Restorer. He is a Healer. And with God all things are possible (Matt. 19:26).
We struggled with true faith, but God has restored true faith in us! After the 2nd miscarriage (while we were at the beach) we bought this picture to keep in our living room. It says, "Faith," We needed to be reminded everyday to have Faith. What a perfect name for our daughter we thought! Should we use it as a middle name or first name? We started researching names, and found the name Brielle. It meant "of God" or "God is my Strength." We put a little twist on it..Briella. Then added an "h"....Briellah. Hey, if God added an "h" to Abraham and Sarah, then why not add an "h" to Briellah!?
So it's official everyone, in case you haven't heard....August 14th is the due date and her name will be...
FAITH BRIELLAH GODDARD
 |
| 13 WEEKS |
 |
| 16 WEEKS |
 |
| 20 WEEKS; same day we found out we were having a girl. |
 |
| 24 WEEKS |
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The "M" word...part 1
2010 looked liked it was gonna be an amazing year for Heather and I. We were feeling right at home with our new church family. Our marriage was thriving. We were just happy. Things seemed to be going great. We had surrounded ourselves with amazing people. Between church friends, neighborhood friends and family; life was good. We were seeing the blessings of having God in our lives and loving every minute of life!
We had put off having a baby for several reasons. None of which, looking back, were good reasons considering we had no idea it would take so long to experience the miracle of conception/pregnancy. We dated and were engaged for 4 years (sept. 2003-sept. 2007). Then we got married and thought, "wouldn't it be nice to just enjoy the young married life for awhile?" The answer was "yes." But then our marriage got off to a not-so-pleasant start with my addiction. But by 2010, we had grown and matured in our marriage and in our relationship with God!
We decided sometime in late winter of 2010 that the following May we would come off birth-control and start trying to have a baby! We were scared, anxious, nervous, but so excited! Another reason we had waited to have a baby was Heather's job. We both worked "retail hours." Heather knew she couldn't deal with having to work those hours and have a baby at the same time. In late 2009, Heather was able to get a new job...a 8-5, Mon-Fri. She was happy and ready to get the ball rolling with the baby making process!
I have to give a little history on Heather before we go too much further. (And I have Heather's permission to be open and honest about this). The info is somewhat private but needs to be explained...
When we came off birth-control in May, we decided to wait until June before actively trying to get pregnant. Wanted her body to be birth-control free for 30 days or so before getting pregnant. Funny how we thought we might get pregnant immediately. So June came and we started trying to have ourselves a baby!
By late July we knew this was gonna be a longer process than we hoped for. Since coming off birth-control in May, Heather hadn't had a "cycle". May...no "cycle." June...no "cycle." July...no "cycle." Even when Heather was younger and before being on birth-control she never had a regular cycle. No big deal for a teen. And when on birth-control it sort of regulates women. But now we realized, "we got a problem here." You can't get pregnant without a full cycle.
Women; you probably already know this. Men; maybe you do and maybe you don't but I'll bore everyone with the details anyway. Because I never knew I would need to know this but now I know way more than a man should! So here it goes...http://www.americanpregnancy.org explains ovulation and menstruation this way:
Ovulation occurs when a mature egg is released from the ovary, pushed down the fallopian tube, and is available to be fertilized. The lining of the uterus has thickened to prepare for a fertilized egg. If no conception occurs, the uterine lining as well as blood will be shed. The shedding of an unfertilized egg and the uterine wall is the time of menstruation.
Basically, a "period" is the result of ovulation...unless of course you conceive in the tiny window of time that the egg is available for implementation, which is about 12-24 hours. And the fertilization process takes about 6-12 days. So with all that said...we scheduled a doctor appointment. With no "period" we could do the math and see we were not ovulating, therefore, no egg was available to get pregnant with.
Heather's OB/GYN prescribed her a medicine that would basically force a period. And hopefully jump-start the whole "cycle" process. The meds did what they were supposed to do. She had a period. But along with the meds we had to start tracking each day to keep a record of the start of her period to the last day, then after "x" amount of days start testing for ovulation for "x" amount of days. All this, so that we would know the optimum time to try and get pregnant. Then, before we could start the next month of meds we would have to take a pregnancy test to make sure we weren't pregnant. I know this process is going to sound familiar to all women and married couple who have infertility issues or complications. But to those who have never been through this process...let me say bluntly..."it sucks." Everyday is a reminder of the fact that you're not pregnant yet or that you have a problem. Everyday you take a ovulation test and see the "negative" sign is just another depressing reminder that not only are you not pregnant yet...but also that your body isn't doing what its supposed to do. I tried to support my wife each and every day to keep her positive. It's such a hard battle to face everyday day, week, month. It really wears you down emotionally, physically and spiritually. You have to remain positive. Always assuming that today is the day we see a positive ovulation test...or a positve pregnancy test...etc.
The first dose of meds did what they were supposed to do. Heather had a period. But day after day of ovulation testing we kept seeing negative ovulation results. She had the "cycle" but still no ovulation.
We were back at the doctor to find a new option. This go round, we would take one medicine to force a period. Then follow that up with a medicine that would force an ovualtion. We liked the sound of that. By this time, it was October. We were getting frustrated with how long it was taking to get pregnant. But reminding ourselves that sometimes it just takes a while. You can't expect to start trying and then 5 months later, be pregnant. The worst part was knowing Heather was feeling like her body was the reason we couldn't get pregnant. She just wanted a "normal" body, that operated "normally."
We started off November with the 1st round of meds. Then followed that up with the new 2nd medicine. But same result. Still no ovulation. So far, things weren't gettting better...they were getting worse. We tried for 2 & 1/2 months naturally; no ovuation, not pregnant. Tried 2 & 1/2 months with 1 medicine; no ovulation, not pregnant. Tried 1 month with a combo of 2 different meds; no ovulation, not pregnant. But the doctors had more options. So we tried to stay optimistic. We weren't necessarily sad that we weren't pregnant yet. We understood that it takes time. But we were nearly 6 months into the process and not one time had Heather even ovulated. There is zero chance of getting pregnant without ovulating. And even if she was ovulating, we knew it could still take time to get pregnant. So hurt, confusion, pain, and frustration had set in.
The doctors weren't giving up, but did reccommend we make an appointment with an infertility specialist. Those were hard words to digest. Knowing we had to see a "specialist" for infertility was sobering and depressing. We scheduled an appointment with an infertility specialist, but the earliest appointment was in February (3 months away). In the mean time, the doctors suggested a different 2nd drug to help force ovulation. We were willing to try anything, so we agreed!
We were still young in our Faith. We knew God had plans for us to have a family. We just didn't know when. I think alot of "new" Christians assume that once you accept Him that things just start working out in your favor. I had that thought for some reason. I was like, "God, I'm part of your family now...so give me what I want and when I want it."
December started the same as November. Take one medicine to force a period, and another medicine to force ovulation. Except this time we had a new 2nd medicine. So, we were anxious to see if this med would work! Sure enough...we got to see our first positive ovulation test! We finally had a window of opportunity to get pregnant!
Then the waiting started again. We had to wait until January to take a pregnancy test so that we could know if we needed to redo all this again. So the moment of truth came, it was time to take a test...did it work this time?...are we pregnant? The test gave us the answer we were looking for! It was positive! We couldnt wait to shout it from the roof-top, "we are pregnant!" We made the rounds to family, and celebrated like never before. Scheduled the doctor appointment to confirm the multiple positive pregnancy tests. At the appointment we were able to see on the ultrsound screen the flickering of a baby heartbeat! A tiny heartbeart was forming into our soon to be baby. We cried with excitement! They could measure the tiny forming baby and confirm that we were 6 weeks into the pregnancy!
The next couple weeks were so amazing. We cancelled our infertility appointment. We were so happy and couldn't wait to tell everyone we came in contact with that "we were pregnant!" Heather was convinced it was a girl...and we already had a name picked out....Emma Grace Goddard! But privately Heather was feeling different. Not pregnant different...but normal different. She didn't feel pregnant...she never felt sick. Everyone said, "oh you're so lucky...embrace it...be glad you're not sick all the time." But Heather wanted to feel sick. She wanted to "experience" everything that came with being pregnant!
Then the day came where our excitement and joy came to a screetching halt...
Every pregnants woman's fear...the "M" word.
When you get pregnant, doctors are quick to tell you that bleeding can be normal during early pregnancy. They say "don't freak out!" But how can you not freak out as a woman to see blood while pregnant! As a husband, I tried to be reassuring, "everything is ok...this is normal...don't freak out baby." But deep down inside I was having a panic attack. I was just as scared as she was. We called the doctors office...they get you in real fast when you're pregnant and bleeding. They needed to do another ultrasound to find the tiny flickering heartbeat. So we sat there....staring at a black and white screen....looking for anything that flickered....anything....
Nothing flickered. Just darkness. The ultrasound tech had to confirm our biggest fear...."I'm sorry" is all she could say. "Sorry" didn't help. Not even close. We cried for what felt like days.
The doctors office had to schedule an immediate appointment at the hospital for a D&C surgery/procedure to remove our baby...to remove our little Emma Grace that we had already gotten attached to and loved so much. I thought to myself, "Could this get any worse, why is this happening to us, did we deserve this?"
After the buckets of tears that were cried, I was surprisingly optimistic and really found myself leaning on God...even though I would never understand why he would allow this to happen to us. We were getting encouragement from so many that God had a plan for us. I was growing in my relationship with God and knew I had to have faith in Him...because He is Faithful! I still trusted that God would fix this. That He would give us the baby we so desperately wanted!
We had to take time for physical and emotional healing. We had our miscarriage in February 2011. We had to wait 6-8 weeks for Heather's physical healing. Then doctors wanted us to have at least one "period" before trying to get pregnant again. But of course...Heather still would not have a period on her on. So by June, we were ready to go back to what worked the first time. The same combination of meds. It worked once....so we were expecting it to work twice! We had given ourselves plenty of time to really recover from the miscarriage, the best that you can anyway.
Doctors, family, and friends were persistant in reminding Heather that she didn't cause the miscarriage. Many women blame themselves for a miscarriage. They think maybe they ate the wrong thing...or picked up something too heavy...etc. But Heather knew and I knew that she did everything "by the book." As humans we feel like we have to assign blame or give a reason for why something happened. Instead of just acknowledging that God is in control and sometimes we can't explain, and will not have an answer for everything that happens in this life. We knew Heather didn't do anything physically to result in a miscarriage. So we concluded that...we didn't pray enough. If only we had prayed more for ourselves and for the baby....then everything might have turned out differently.
In June we had decided to try the combination of medicines that worked. Took the 1st med...had a period. Took the 2nd med...got a positive ovualtion test! Amazing...we thought. This route seemed to be working really well, we thought. The real test would be, if we would get pregnant again.
This time we were so anxious to take a pregnancy test. We were expecting a positive test, based on the results from 6 months earlier! In July we took the pregnancy test and just like the last time,,,"we were pregnant!" This combo of drugs was a miracle for us. The meds were 2 for 2. 100% effectiveness we thought to ourselves! We called the doctor to schedule that 1st ultrasound...so we could, once again, see our new babies heartbeat. But we found out so soon that we were pregnant, that we had to put off the ultrasound for a couple weeks so that we were far enough along to give time for the baby to form a hearbeat and be big enough for us to see it. If you schedule the ultrasound too soon, you might see nothing becuase it's too early to see anything.
It was the worst 2 weeks of our lives, having to sit and wait long enough to see our babys heartbeat. After you have a miscarriage it sucks all the excitement out of finding out you're pregnant. I mean, we were excited obviously, but in the back of your mind you are constantly reminded that you could miscarry at any time. It's so nerve-racking. This time we learned our lesson about sharing the news of pregnancy to the whole world. What hurts just as much as a miscarriage is, having to tell people that you miscarried. It's like re-living the pain each time you have to tell the story. So we only told immediate family and a couple close friends.
By the time our ultrasound appointment came finally in August, we were total wrecks. Our nerves were shot. We were so excited to see the baby and it's heartbeat. but so scared we wouldn't see anything and have to cope with another miscarriage. This time around we prayed everyday, every moment we had, I prayed constantly throughout the day. Declaring protection over our baby! Praying that Heather would feel sick, so she would know everything was ok. Praying that everything would be ok. But everything wasn't ok...
We had become pro's at reading ultrasounds. We knew what we were looking for...that little flicker of a heartbeat. The tech moved all around with the instrument....every second that passed seemed like an hour. We kept looking at the screen. Looking so hard that I thought I might "miss the forest for the trees." But there was no forest...no trees. Nothing, is what we saw. Our new biggest fear in life was miscarriage. And here we were again...starring at nothing...looking at a miscarriage. We had prayed so much and so hard....and the result was the same. God had let us down. This time the sadness I felt was mixed equally with anger. Every minute that passed after I struggled with anger towards God, and the emotional pain and hurt. By the time we got back to the hospital for another D&C procedure, I was really struggling with an intense anger towards God. But I kept inside...to myself. One miscarriage wasn't enough to make me question my faith and trust in God, but the second miscarriage was more than enough. Where was God now?
As Heather was in surgery, I was in the lobby, just marinating in pain, hurt, and sadness. But as time slipped by, I began to focus my emotions on God. What kind of God am I serving? I thought all things were possible through Him? I thought God was a Healer? Didn't seem that way at the time. I leaned on Him, and He let me fall. Why was I even wasting my time worshipping and praying to a God who didn't care about me?
...rest of this will be up shortly...to be continued...
The first dose of meds did what they were supposed to do. Heather had a period. But day after day of ovulation testing we kept seeing negative ovulation results. She had the "cycle" but still no ovulation.
We were back at the doctor to find a new option. This go round, we would take one medicine to force a period. Then follow that up with a medicine that would force an ovualtion. We liked the sound of that. By this time, it was October. We were getting frustrated with how long it was taking to get pregnant. But reminding ourselves that sometimes it just takes a while. You can't expect to start trying and then 5 months later, be pregnant. The worst part was knowing Heather was feeling like her body was the reason we couldn't get pregnant. She just wanted a "normal" body, that operated "normally."
We started off November with the 1st round of meds. Then followed that up with the new 2nd medicine. But same result. Still no ovulation. So far, things weren't gettting better...they were getting worse. We tried for 2 & 1/2 months naturally; no ovuation, not pregnant. Tried 2 & 1/2 months with 1 medicine; no ovulation, not pregnant. Tried 1 month with a combo of 2 different meds; no ovulation, not pregnant. But the doctors had more options. So we tried to stay optimistic. We weren't necessarily sad that we weren't pregnant yet. We understood that it takes time. But we were nearly 6 months into the process and not one time had Heather even ovulated. There is zero chance of getting pregnant without ovulating. And even if she was ovulating, we knew it could still take time to get pregnant. So hurt, confusion, pain, and frustration had set in.
The doctors weren't giving up, but did reccommend we make an appointment with an infertility specialist. Those were hard words to digest. Knowing we had to see a "specialist" for infertility was sobering and depressing. We scheduled an appointment with an infertility specialist, but the earliest appointment was in February (3 months away). In the mean time, the doctors suggested a different 2nd drug to help force ovulation. We were willing to try anything, so we agreed!
We were still young in our Faith. We knew God had plans for us to have a family. We just didn't know when. I think alot of "new" Christians assume that once you accept Him that things just start working out in your favor. I had that thought for some reason. I was like, "God, I'm part of your family now...so give me what I want and when I want it."
December started the same as November. Take one medicine to force a period, and another medicine to force ovulation. Except this time we had a new 2nd medicine. So, we were anxious to see if this med would work! Sure enough...we got to see our first positive ovulation test! We finally had a window of opportunity to get pregnant!
Then the waiting started again. We had to wait until January to take a pregnancy test so that we could know if we needed to redo all this again. So the moment of truth came, it was time to take a test...did it work this time?...are we pregnant? The test gave us the answer we were looking for! It was positive! We couldnt wait to shout it from the roof-top, "we are pregnant!" We made the rounds to family, and celebrated like never before. Scheduled the doctor appointment to confirm the multiple positive pregnancy tests. At the appointment we were able to see on the ultrsound screen the flickering of a baby heartbeat! A tiny heartbeart was forming into our soon to be baby. We cried with excitement! They could measure the tiny forming baby and confirm that we were 6 weeks into the pregnancy!
 |
| Heather's mom hearing the news. First pregnancy. 1/11 |
 |
| My mom. Hearing about our 1st pregnancy. 1/11 |
The next couple weeks were so amazing. We cancelled our infertility appointment. We were so happy and couldn't wait to tell everyone we came in contact with that "we were pregnant!" Heather was convinced it was a girl...and we already had a name picked out....Emma Grace Goddard! But privately Heather was feeling different. Not pregnant different...but normal different. She didn't feel pregnant...she never felt sick. Everyone said, "oh you're so lucky...embrace it...be glad you're not sick all the time." But Heather wanted to feel sick. She wanted to "experience" everything that came with being pregnant!
Then the day came where our excitement and joy came to a screetching halt...
Every pregnants woman's fear...the "M" word.
When you get pregnant, doctors are quick to tell you that bleeding can be normal during early pregnancy. They say "don't freak out!" But how can you not freak out as a woman to see blood while pregnant! As a husband, I tried to be reassuring, "everything is ok...this is normal...don't freak out baby." But deep down inside I was having a panic attack. I was just as scared as she was. We called the doctors office...they get you in real fast when you're pregnant and bleeding. They needed to do another ultrasound to find the tiny flickering heartbeat. So we sat there....staring at a black and white screen....looking for anything that flickered....anything....
Nothing flickered. Just darkness. The ultrasound tech had to confirm our biggest fear...."I'm sorry" is all she could say. "Sorry" didn't help. Not even close. We cried for what felt like days.
The doctors office had to schedule an immediate appointment at the hospital for a D&C surgery/procedure to remove our baby...to remove our little Emma Grace that we had already gotten attached to and loved so much. I thought to myself, "Could this get any worse, why is this happening to us, did we deserve this?"
After the buckets of tears that were cried, I was surprisingly optimistic and really found myself leaning on God...even though I would never understand why he would allow this to happen to us. We were getting encouragement from so many that God had a plan for us. I was growing in my relationship with God and knew I had to have faith in Him...because He is Faithful! I still trusted that God would fix this. That He would give us the baby we so desperately wanted!
We had to take time for physical and emotional healing. We had our miscarriage in February 2011. We had to wait 6-8 weeks for Heather's physical healing. Then doctors wanted us to have at least one "period" before trying to get pregnant again. But of course...Heather still would not have a period on her on. So by June, we were ready to go back to what worked the first time. The same combination of meds. It worked once....so we were expecting it to work twice! We had given ourselves plenty of time to really recover from the miscarriage, the best that you can anyway.
Doctors, family, and friends were persistant in reminding Heather that she didn't cause the miscarriage. Many women blame themselves for a miscarriage. They think maybe they ate the wrong thing...or picked up something too heavy...etc. But Heather knew and I knew that she did everything "by the book." As humans we feel like we have to assign blame or give a reason for why something happened. Instead of just acknowledging that God is in control and sometimes we can't explain, and will not have an answer for everything that happens in this life. We knew Heather didn't do anything physically to result in a miscarriage. So we concluded that...we didn't pray enough. If only we had prayed more for ourselves and for the baby....then everything might have turned out differently.
In June we had decided to try the combination of medicines that worked. Took the 1st med...had a period. Took the 2nd med...got a positive ovualtion test! Amazing...we thought. This route seemed to be working really well, we thought. The real test would be, if we would get pregnant again.
This time we were so anxious to take a pregnancy test. We were expecting a positive test, based on the results from 6 months earlier! In July we took the pregnancy test and just like the last time,,,"we were pregnant!" This combo of drugs was a miracle for us. The meds were 2 for 2. 100% effectiveness we thought to ourselves! We called the doctor to schedule that 1st ultrasound...so we could, once again, see our new babies heartbeat. But we found out so soon that we were pregnant, that we had to put off the ultrasound for a couple weeks so that we were far enough along to give time for the baby to form a hearbeat and be big enough for us to see it. If you schedule the ultrasound too soon, you might see nothing becuase it's too early to see anything.
It was the worst 2 weeks of our lives, having to sit and wait long enough to see our babys heartbeat. After you have a miscarriage it sucks all the excitement out of finding out you're pregnant. I mean, we were excited obviously, but in the back of your mind you are constantly reminded that you could miscarry at any time. It's so nerve-racking. This time we learned our lesson about sharing the news of pregnancy to the whole world. What hurts just as much as a miscarriage is, having to tell people that you miscarried. It's like re-living the pain each time you have to tell the story. So we only told immediate family and a couple close friends.
By the time our ultrasound appointment came finally in August, we were total wrecks. Our nerves were shot. We were so excited to see the baby and it's heartbeat. but so scared we wouldn't see anything and have to cope with another miscarriage. This time around we prayed everyday, every moment we had, I prayed constantly throughout the day. Declaring protection over our baby! Praying that Heather would feel sick, so she would know everything was ok. Praying that everything would be ok. But everything wasn't ok...
We had become pro's at reading ultrasounds. We knew what we were looking for...that little flicker of a heartbeat. The tech moved all around with the instrument....every second that passed seemed like an hour. We kept looking at the screen. Looking so hard that I thought I might "miss the forest for the trees." But there was no forest...no trees. Nothing, is what we saw. Our new biggest fear in life was miscarriage. And here we were again...starring at nothing...looking at a miscarriage. We had prayed so much and so hard....and the result was the same. God had let us down. This time the sadness I felt was mixed equally with anger. Every minute that passed after I struggled with anger towards God, and the emotional pain and hurt. By the time we got back to the hospital for another D&C procedure, I was really struggling with an intense anger towards God. But I kept inside...to myself. One miscarriage wasn't enough to make me question my faith and trust in God, but the second miscarriage was more than enough. Where was God now?
As Heather was in surgery, I was in the lobby, just marinating in pain, hurt, and sadness. But as time slipped by, I began to focus my emotions on God. What kind of God am I serving? I thought all things were possible through Him? I thought God was a Healer? Didn't seem that way at the time. I leaned on Him, and He let me fall. Why was I even wasting my time worshipping and praying to a God who didn't care about me?
...rest of this will be up shortly...to be continued...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)