We had put off having a baby for several reasons. None of which, looking back, were good reasons considering we had no idea it would take so long to experience the miracle of conception/pregnancy. We dated and were engaged for 4 years (sept. 2003-sept. 2007). Then we got married and thought, "wouldn't it be nice to just enjoy the young married life for awhile?" The answer was "yes." But then our marriage got off to a not-so-pleasant start with my addiction. But by 2010, we had grown and matured in our marriage and in our relationship with God!
We decided sometime in late winter of 2010 that the following May we would come off birth-control and start trying to have a baby! We were scared, anxious, nervous, but so excited! Another reason we had waited to have a baby was Heather's job. We both worked "retail hours." Heather knew she couldn't deal with having to work those hours and have a baby at the same time. In late 2009, Heather was able to get a new job...a 8-5, Mon-Fri. She was happy and ready to get the ball rolling with the baby making process!
I have to give a little history on Heather before we go too much further. (And I have Heather's permission to be open and honest about this). The info is somewhat private but needs to be explained...
When we came off birth-control in May, we decided to wait until June before actively trying to get pregnant. Wanted her body to be birth-control free for 30 days or so before getting pregnant. Funny how we thought we might get pregnant immediately. So June came and we started trying to have ourselves a baby!
By late July we knew this was gonna be a longer process than we hoped for. Since coming off birth-control in May, Heather hadn't had a "cycle". May...no "cycle." June...no "cycle." July...no "cycle." Even when Heather was younger and before being on birth-control she never had a regular cycle. No big deal for a teen. And when on birth-control it sort of regulates women. But now we realized, "we got a problem here." You can't get pregnant without a full cycle.
Women; you probably already know this. Men; maybe you do and maybe you don't but I'll bore everyone with the details anyway. Because I never knew I would need to know this but now I know way more than a man should! So here it goes...http://www.americanpregnancy.org explains ovulation and menstruation this way:
Ovulation occurs when a mature egg is released from the ovary, pushed down the fallopian tube, and is available to be fertilized. The lining of the uterus has thickened to prepare for a fertilized egg. If no conception occurs, the uterine lining as well as blood will be shed. The shedding of an unfertilized egg and the uterine wall is the time of menstruation.
Basically, a "period" is the result of ovulation...unless of course you conceive in the tiny window of time that the egg is available for implementation, which is about 12-24 hours. And the fertilization process takes about 6-12 days. So with all that said...we scheduled a doctor appointment. With no "period" we could do the math and see we were not ovulating, therefore, no egg was available to get pregnant with.
Heather's OB/GYN prescribed her a medicine that would basically force a period. And hopefully jump-start the whole "cycle" process. The meds did what they were supposed to do. She had a period. But along with the meds we had to start tracking each day to keep a record of the start of her period to the last day, then after "x" amount of days start testing for ovulation for "x" amount of days. All this, so that we would know the optimum time to try and get pregnant. Then, before we could start the next month of meds we would have to take a pregnancy test to make sure we weren't pregnant. I know this process is going to sound familiar to all women and married couple who have infertility issues or complications. But to those who have never been through this process...let me say bluntly..."it sucks." Everyday is a reminder of the fact that you're not pregnant yet or that you have a problem. Everyday you take a ovulation test and see the "negative" sign is just another depressing reminder that not only are you not pregnant yet...but also that your body isn't doing what its supposed to do. I tried to support my wife each and every day to keep her positive. It's such a hard battle to face everyday day, week, month. It really wears you down emotionally, physically and spiritually. You have to remain positive. Always assuming that today is the day we see a positive ovulation test...or a positve pregnancy test...etc.
The first dose of meds did what they were supposed to do. Heather had a period. But day after day of ovulation testing we kept seeing negative ovulation results. She had the "cycle" but still no ovulation.
We were back at the doctor to find a new option. This go round, we would take one medicine to force a period. Then follow that up with a medicine that would force an ovualtion. We liked the sound of that. By this time, it was October. We were getting frustrated with how long it was taking to get pregnant. But reminding ourselves that sometimes it just takes a while. You can't expect to start trying and then 5 months later, be pregnant. The worst part was knowing Heather was feeling like her body was the reason we couldn't get pregnant. She just wanted a "normal" body, that operated "normally."
We started off November with the 1st round of meds. Then followed that up with the new 2nd medicine. But same result. Still no ovulation. So far, things weren't gettting better...they were getting worse. We tried for 2 & 1/2 months naturally; no ovuation, not pregnant. Tried 2 & 1/2 months with 1 medicine; no ovulation, not pregnant. Tried 1 month with a combo of 2 different meds; no ovulation, not pregnant. But the doctors had more options. So we tried to stay optimistic. We weren't necessarily sad that we weren't pregnant yet. We understood that it takes time. But we were nearly 6 months into the process and not one time had Heather even ovulated. There is zero chance of getting pregnant without ovulating. And even if she was ovulating, we knew it could still take time to get pregnant. So hurt, confusion, pain, and frustration had set in.
The doctors weren't giving up, but did reccommend we make an appointment with an infertility specialist. Those were hard words to digest. Knowing we had to see a "specialist" for infertility was sobering and depressing. We scheduled an appointment with an infertility specialist, but the earliest appointment was in February (3 months away). In the mean time, the doctors suggested a different 2nd drug to help force ovulation. We were willing to try anything, so we agreed!
We were still young in our Faith. We knew God had plans for us to have a family. We just didn't know when. I think alot of "new" Christians assume that once you accept Him that things just start working out in your favor. I had that thought for some reason. I was like, "God, I'm part of your family now...so give me what I want and when I want it."
December started the same as November. Take one medicine to force a period, and another medicine to force ovulation. Except this time we had a new 2nd medicine. So, we were anxious to see if this med would work! Sure enough...we got to see our first positive ovulation test! We finally had a window of opportunity to get pregnant!
Then the waiting started again. We had to wait until January to take a pregnancy test so that we could know if we needed to redo all this again. So the moment of truth came, it was time to take a test...did it work this time?...are we pregnant? The test gave us the answer we were looking for! It was positive! We couldnt wait to shout it from the roof-top, "we are pregnant!" We made the rounds to family, and celebrated like never before. Scheduled the doctor appointment to confirm the multiple positive pregnancy tests. At the appointment we were able to see on the ultrsound screen the flickering of a baby heartbeat! A tiny heartbeart was forming into our soon to be baby. We cried with excitement! They could measure the tiny forming baby and confirm that we were 6 weeks into the pregnancy!
The next couple weeks were so amazing. We cancelled our infertility appointment. We were so happy and couldn't wait to tell everyone we came in contact with that "we were pregnant!" Heather was convinced it was a girl...and we already had a name picked out....Emma Grace Goddard! But privately Heather was feeling different. Not pregnant different...but normal different. She didn't feel pregnant...she never felt sick. Everyone said, "oh you're so lucky...embrace it...be glad you're not sick all the time." But Heather wanted to feel sick. She wanted to "experience" everything that came with being pregnant!
Then the day came where our excitement and joy came to a screetching halt...
Every pregnants woman's fear...the "M" word.
When you get pregnant, doctors are quick to tell you that bleeding can be normal during early pregnancy. They say "don't freak out!" But how can you not freak out as a woman to see blood while pregnant! As a husband, I tried to be reassuring, "everything is ok...this is normal...don't freak out baby." But deep down inside I was having a panic attack. I was just as scared as she was. We called the doctors office...they get you in real fast when you're pregnant and bleeding. They needed to do another ultrasound to find the tiny flickering heartbeat. So we sat there....staring at a black and white screen....looking for anything that flickered....anything....
Nothing flickered. Just darkness. The ultrasound tech had to confirm our biggest fear...."I'm sorry" is all she could say. "Sorry" didn't help. Not even close. We cried for what felt like days.
The doctors office had to schedule an immediate appointment at the hospital for a D&C surgery/procedure to remove our baby...to remove our little Emma Grace that we had already gotten attached to and loved so much. I thought to myself, "Could this get any worse, why is this happening to us, did we deserve this?"
After the buckets of tears that were cried, I was surprisingly optimistic and really found myself leaning on God...even though I would never understand why he would allow this to happen to us. We were getting encouragement from so many that God had a plan for us. I was growing in my relationship with God and knew I had to have faith in Him...because He is Faithful! I still trusted that God would fix this. That He would give us the baby we so desperately wanted!
We had to take time for physical and emotional healing. We had our miscarriage in February 2011. We had to wait 6-8 weeks for Heather's physical healing. Then doctors wanted us to have at least one "period" before trying to get pregnant again. But of course...Heather still would not have a period on her on. So by June, we were ready to go back to what worked the first time. The same combination of meds. It worked once....so we were expecting it to work twice! We had given ourselves plenty of time to really recover from the miscarriage, the best that you can anyway.
Doctors, family, and friends were persistant in reminding Heather that she didn't cause the miscarriage. Many women blame themselves for a miscarriage. They think maybe they ate the wrong thing...or picked up something too heavy...etc. But Heather knew and I knew that she did everything "by the book." As humans we feel like we have to assign blame or give a reason for why something happened. Instead of just acknowledging that God is in control and sometimes we can't explain, and will not have an answer for everything that happens in this life. We knew Heather didn't do anything physically to result in a miscarriage. So we concluded that...we didn't pray enough. If only we had prayed more for ourselves and for the baby....then everything might have turned out differently.
In June we had decided to try the combination of medicines that worked. Took the 1st med...had a period. Took the 2nd med...got a positive ovualtion test! Amazing...we thought. This route seemed to be working really well, we thought. The real test would be, if we would get pregnant again.
This time we were so anxious to take a pregnancy test. We were expecting a positive test, based on the results from 6 months earlier! In July we took the pregnancy test and just like the last time,,,"we were pregnant!" This combo of drugs was a miracle for us. The meds were 2 for 2. 100% effectiveness we thought to ourselves! We called the doctor to schedule that 1st ultrasound...so we could, once again, see our new babies heartbeat. But we found out so soon that we were pregnant, that we had to put off the ultrasound for a couple weeks so that we were far enough along to give time for the baby to form a hearbeat and be big enough for us to see it. If you schedule the ultrasound too soon, you might see nothing becuase it's too early to see anything.
It was the worst 2 weeks of our lives, having to sit and wait long enough to see our babys heartbeat. After you have a miscarriage it sucks all the excitement out of finding out you're pregnant. I mean, we were excited obviously, but in the back of your mind you are constantly reminded that you could miscarry at any time. It's so nerve-racking. This time we learned our lesson about sharing the news of pregnancy to the whole world. What hurts just as much as a miscarriage is, having to tell people that you miscarried. It's like re-living the pain each time you have to tell the story. So we only told immediate family and a couple close friends.
By the time our ultrasound appointment came finally in August, we were total wrecks. Our nerves were shot. We were so excited to see the baby and it's heartbeat. but so scared we wouldn't see anything and have to cope with another miscarriage. This time around we prayed everyday, every moment we had, I prayed constantly throughout the day. Declaring protection over our baby! Praying that Heather would feel sick, so she would know everything was ok. Praying that everything would be ok. But everything wasn't ok...
We had become pro's at reading ultrasounds. We knew what we were looking for...that little flicker of a heartbeat. The tech moved all around with the instrument....every second that passed seemed like an hour. We kept looking at the screen. Looking so hard that I thought I might "miss the forest for the trees." But there was no forest...no trees. Nothing, is what we saw. Our new biggest fear in life was miscarriage. And here we were again...starring at nothing...looking at a miscarriage. We had prayed so much and so hard....and the result was the same. God had let us down. This time the sadness I felt was mixed equally with anger. Every minute that passed after I struggled with anger towards God, and the emotional pain and hurt. By the time we got back to the hospital for another D&C procedure, I was really struggling with an intense anger towards God. But I kept inside...to myself. One miscarriage wasn't enough to make me question my faith and trust in God, but the second miscarriage was more than enough. Where was God now?
As Heather was in surgery, I was in the lobby, just marinating in pain, hurt, and sadness. But as time slipped by, I began to focus my emotions on God. What kind of God am I serving? I thought all things were possible through Him? I thought God was a Healer? Didn't seem that way at the time. I leaned on Him, and He let me fall. Why was I even wasting my time worshipping and praying to a God who didn't care about me?
...rest of this will be up shortly...to be continued...
The first dose of meds did what they were supposed to do. Heather had a period. But day after day of ovulation testing we kept seeing negative ovulation results. She had the "cycle" but still no ovulation.
We were back at the doctor to find a new option. This go round, we would take one medicine to force a period. Then follow that up with a medicine that would force an ovualtion. We liked the sound of that. By this time, it was October. We were getting frustrated with how long it was taking to get pregnant. But reminding ourselves that sometimes it just takes a while. You can't expect to start trying and then 5 months later, be pregnant. The worst part was knowing Heather was feeling like her body was the reason we couldn't get pregnant. She just wanted a "normal" body, that operated "normally."
We started off November with the 1st round of meds. Then followed that up with the new 2nd medicine. But same result. Still no ovulation. So far, things weren't gettting better...they were getting worse. We tried for 2 & 1/2 months naturally; no ovuation, not pregnant. Tried 2 & 1/2 months with 1 medicine; no ovulation, not pregnant. Tried 1 month with a combo of 2 different meds; no ovulation, not pregnant. But the doctors had more options. So we tried to stay optimistic. We weren't necessarily sad that we weren't pregnant yet. We understood that it takes time. But we were nearly 6 months into the process and not one time had Heather even ovulated. There is zero chance of getting pregnant without ovulating. And even if she was ovulating, we knew it could still take time to get pregnant. So hurt, confusion, pain, and frustration had set in.
The doctors weren't giving up, but did reccommend we make an appointment with an infertility specialist. Those were hard words to digest. Knowing we had to see a "specialist" for infertility was sobering and depressing. We scheduled an appointment with an infertility specialist, but the earliest appointment was in February (3 months away). In the mean time, the doctors suggested a different 2nd drug to help force ovulation. We were willing to try anything, so we agreed!
We were still young in our Faith. We knew God had plans for us to have a family. We just didn't know when. I think alot of "new" Christians assume that once you accept Him that things just start working out in your favor. I had that thought for some reason. I was like, "God, I'm part of your family now...so give me what I want and when I want it."
December started the same as November. Take one medicine to force a period, and another medicine to force ovulation. Except this time we had a new 2nd medicine. So, we were anxious to see if this med would work! Sure enough...we got to see our first positive ovulation test! We finally had a window of opportunity to get pregnant!
Then the waiting started again. We had to wait until January to take a pregnancy test so that we could know if we needed to redo all this again. So the moment of truth came, it was time to take a test...did it work this time?...are we pregnant? The test gave us the answer we were looking for! It was positive! We couldnt wait to shout it from the roof-top, "we are pregnant!" We made the rounds to family, and celebrated like never before. Scheduled the doctor appointment to confirm the multiple positive pregnancy tests. At the appointment we were able to see on the ultrsound screen the flickering of a baby heartbeat! A tiny heartbeart was forming into our soon to be baby. We cried with excitement! They could measure the tiny forming baby and confirm that we were 6 weeks into the pregnancy!
 |
| Heather's mom hearing the news. First pregnancy. 1/11 |
 |
| My mom. Hearing about our 1st pregnancy. 1/11 |
The next couple weeks were so amazing. We cancelled our infertility appointment. We were so happy and couldn't wait to tell everyone we came in contact with that "we were pregnant!" Heather was convinced it was a girl...and we already had a name picked out....Emma Grace Goddard! But privately Heather was feeling different. Not pregnant different...but normal different. She didn't feel pregnant...she never felt sick. Everyone said, "oh you're so lucky...embrace it...be glad you're not sick all the time." But Heather wanted to feel sick. She wanted to "experience" everything that came with being pregnant!
Then the day came where our excitement and joy came to a screetching halt...
Every pregnants woman's fear...the "M" word.
When you get pregnant, doctors are quick to tell you that bleeding can be normal during early pregnancy. They say "don't freak out!" But how can you not freak out as a woman to see blood while pregnant! As a husband, I tried to be reassuring, "everything is ok...this is normal...don't freak out baby." But deep down inside I was having a panic attack. I was just as scared as she was. We called the doctors office...they get you in real fast when you're pregnant and bleeding. They needed to do another ultrasound to find the tiny flickering heartbeat. So we sat there....staring at a black and white screen....looking for anything that flickered....anything....
Nothing flickered. Just darkness. The ultrasound tech had to confirm our biggest fear...."I'm sorry" is all she could say. "Sorry" didn't help. Not even close. We cried for what felt like days.
The doctors office had to schedule an immediate appointment at the hospital for a D&C surgery/procedure to remove our baby...to remove our little Emma Grace that we had already gotten attached to and loved so much. I thought to myself, "Could this get any worse, why is this happening to us, did we deserve this?"
After the buckets of tears that were cried, I was surprisingly optimistic and really found myself leaning on God...even though I would never understand why he would allow this to happen to us. We were getting encouragement from so many that God had a plan for us. I was growing in my relationship with God and knew I had to have faith in Him...because He is Faithful! I still trusted that God would fix this. That He would give us the baby we so desperately wanted!
We had to take time for physical and emotional healing. We had our miscarriage in February 2011. We had to wait 6-8 weeks for Heather's physical healing. Then doctors wanted us to have at least one "period" before trying to get pregnant again. But of course...Heather still would not have a period on her on. So by June, we were ready to go back to what worked the first time. The same combination of meds. It worked once....so we were expecting it to work twice! We had given ourselves plenty of time to really recover from the miscarriage, the best that you can anyway.
Doctors, family, and friends were persistant in reminding Heather that she didn't cause the miscarriage. Many women blame themselves for a miscarriage. They think maybe they ate the wrong thing...or picked up something too heavy...etc. But Heather knew and I knew that she did everything "by the book." As humans we feel like we have to assign blame or give a reason for why something happened. Instead of just acknowledging that God is in control and sometimes we can't explain, and will not have an answer for everything that happens in this life. We knew Heather didn't do anything physically to result in a miscarriage. So we concluded that...we didn't pray enough. If only we had prayed more for ourselves and for the baby....then everything might have turned out differently.
In June we had decided to try the combination of medicines that worked. Took the 1st med...had a period. Took the 2nd med...got a positive ovualtion test! Amazing...we thought. This route seemed to be working really well, we thought. The real test would be, if we would get pregnant again.
This time we were so anxious to take a pregnancy test. We were expecting a positive test, based on the results from 6 months earlier! In July we took the pregnancy test and just like the last time,,,"we were pregnant!" This combo of drugs was a miracle for us. The meds were 2 for 2. 100% effectiveness we thought to ourselves! We called the doctor to schedule that 1st ultrasound...so we could, once again, see our new babies heartbeat. But we found out so soon that we were pregnant, that we had to put off the ultrasound for a couple weeks so that we were far enough along to give time for the baby to form a hearbeat and be big enough for us to see it. If you schedule the ultrasound too soon, you might see nothing becuase it's too early to see anything.
It was the worst 2 weeks of our lives, having to sit and wait long enough to see our babys heartbeat. After you have a miscarriage it sucks all the excitement out of finding out you're pregnant. I mean, we were excited obviously, but in the back of your mind you are constantly reminded that you could miscarry at any time. It's so nerve-racking. This time we learned our lesson about sharing the news of pregnancy to the whole world. What hurts just as much as a miscarriage is, having to tell people that you miscarried. It's like re-living the pain each time you have to tell the story. So we only told immediate family and a couple close friends.
By the time our ultrasound appointment came finally in August, we were total wrecks. Our nerves were shot. We were so excited to see the baby and it's heartbeat. but so scared we wouldn't see anything and have to cope with another miscarriage. This time around we prayed everyday, every moment we had, I prayed constantly throughout the day. Declaring protection over our baby! Praying that Heather would feel sick, so she would know everything was ok. Praying that everything would be ok. But everything wasn't ok...
We had become pro's at reading ultrasounds. We knew what we were looking for...that little flicker of a heartbeat. The tech moved all around with the instrument....every second that passed seemed like an hour. We kept looking at the screen. Looking so hard that I thought I might "miss the forest for the trees." But there was no forest...no trees. Nothing, is what we saw. Our new biggest fear in life was miscarriage. And here we were again...starring at nothing...looking at a miscarriage. We had prayed so much and so hard....and the result was the same. God had let us down. This time the sadness I felt was mixed equally with anger. Every minute that passed after I struggled with anger towards God, and the emotional pain and hurt. By the time we got back to the hospital for another D&C procedure, I was really struggling with an intense anger towards God. But I kept inside...to myself. One miscarriage wasn't enough to make me question my faith and trust in God, but the second miscarriage was more than enough. Where was God now?
As Heather was in surgery, I was in the lobby, just marinating in pain, hurt, and sadness. But as time slipped by, I began to focus my emotions on God. What kind of God am I serving? I thought all things were possible through Him? I thought God was a Healer? Didn't seem that way at the time. I leaned on Him, and He let me fall. Why was I even wasting my time worshipping and praying to a God who didn't care about me?
...rest of this will be up shortly...to be continued...
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