Today is such a bittersweet day. I think people overuse the word 'bittersweet.' I probably overuse it. When we overuse words it seems to take the meaning of that word and just water it down. 'Bittersweet' just seems like the perfect word to describe babies and kids, particularly when talking about how they are constantly growing and changing. It's bittersweet to see your newborn baby get bigger and bigger every hour. As they learn new things and do new things we're filled with love and joy...it's just so sweet. But then you quickly realize, they won't ever go back to being the way they were the day before...and that's painful...bitter.
To feel bittersweet is to experience pain and joy at the same time or, at least, experiencing those 2 emotions very very close together. The more Faith starts to do, the more we realize that she's getting bigger and stronger and smarter every day. And that's amazing to watch! We realize she won't be a baby forever. You hear moms talking about this a lot. They want their babies to stay babies forever. (Dads usually want them to hurry up and get bigger so we can play with them, haha). Watching your baby grow is bittersweet.
But today I'm feeling bittersweet for another reason. Today is the day my wife has been dreading for 12 weeks. She went back work today. We were so lucky and blessed that she was able to take an additional 4 weeks, above the 8 weeks she was allotted after having a c-section. But after Faith was only a couple weeks old my wife started the mental countdown until this dreaded day.
I barely got a whole week off from work after Faith was born. And as dads, that seems to be the norm. But it's easier for us. And I think the reason is because know our wives are fully capable of taking care of our children. Moms have this instinct to know what to do and when to do it almost immediately. It takes dads awhile, especially with the first baby. That gives us dads confidence and reassurance that while we're off at work, everything is under control at home. All is right in the universe.
If my wife had gone back to work after 1 week and I was left in charge of taking care of a baby...I'd be a nervous wreck. I'd be stressed and scared and afraid. I'm pretty sure moms get 6-8 weeks off after having a baby just to train up us dads. We need at least that many weeks to start feeling comfortable with being left alone with a baby for long periods of time.
I've spent 12 weeks watching my wife be a mom and observing how she does things and why she does it. It all comes so natural. I have to ask 100 questions...does Faith need socks today?, long sleeve or short sleeve?, should I change her diaper now or later?, where's the bibs?, where's a burp cloth?, where's the wipes?, does she need diaper rash cream on?...I have never ending list of questions. I have to think about every move. But moms just react. They just do. They are amazing.
See, we are just not in a position in which my wife could be a stay at home mom right away. We wanted to be. And we plan to be sooner, rather than later...but...Reality is, a lot of us just can't. But luckily we are in a position so that at least one us could work part time, so that one of us could spend as much time with our baby as possible. That one person happened to be me. I get the opportunity and blessings of being a part time employee and a part time dad. (Being a parent is a full time job, no matter how you look at it!). And that is the sweetest thing ever.
But what's so painful and bitter is watching my wife the past few days. To say she has been emotional is an understatement. And rightfully so. Mommy and Faith have been separated rarely since birth. We had 3 date nights with no baby, in 12 weeks. They were only separated for a maximum of maybe 3-4 hours. So today will be tough day. As tough as my day might be trying to figure out all this baby stuff on my own...I know her day will be so much tougher.
I can't help but think of Jesus' disciples. They had gotten to walk and talk with Jesus for 3 years. Got to see him and touch him and literally walk with him and listen to him. Then they learned that after this short amount of time with him, that he'd be taken and put to death. But Jesus said that it was better for them (and us) that he leave, because the Holy Spirit would then come. Talk about bittersweet. Their teacher and friend was about to be beaten and crucified. BUT then the Holy Spirit would come and give them the same power and authority that Jesus had!
I can imagine, somewhat, how they felt. That bittersweet feeling. I feel bittersweet. I'm so happy that I get to spend more time with Faith. I'm so lucky. A lot of dads don't get as much time as I will be getting. I've taken for granted all that my wife does for Faith and around the house. She is an amazing mom. She was born to be a mom. Some people are gifted musicians, some are gifted writers, etc...but my wife's gift is being a mom. And that's exactly what makes it even harder for the both of us.
...It's just so very bittersweet
