The best way I know to describe that moment when you become a first-time parent is...INDESCRIBABLE.
At 7:03am on July 30th, my life changed forever. Most people would say, "duh, you're a father now...duh, you got a baby to take care of...duh, you're gonna be changing diapers, a lot...duh, you won't sleep, ever." And all those things would be true, oh so true...
But that's not what really changed, or should I say, that wasn't the major change that took place.
Once I heard that first cry, for the first time, I was torn between being concerned & focused for my wife's safety and health, and being overly concerned and focused for this tiny little girl whom I've never actually seen in person or even held in my arms. It's a very odd feeling...a very confusing feeling. I've loved and gotten to know my wife for 9 years. We developed such a strong love for one another that it became second nature to be more concerned with her than with any other person on the planet. It's second nature for me to feel her pain and protect her. From 6:55am-7:03am my wife was laying on an operating table being cut open. A major surgery, to say the least. I was scared, because she was scared. I was worried, because she was worried. Despite her being completely numb with medicines, I could feel her pain. 8 minutes of being completely devoted to her every need. But there really wasn't anything I could give her during that time, except my presence, and my love, and my reassurance, and my hand. At 7:03am, for the first time ever, I felt like someone else needed me, and my undivided attention.
After that first cry, they took Faith and moved her to a warm bed that was literally 8 feet away from the operating table, but it might as well have been on the other side of the planet. I was in emotional limbo...
The doctors had to take Faith to the other side of the room to clean her, check her, weigh her and measure her. And her cries sounded like she was begging to be comforted by her parents. Heather couldn't move, so I had to. I had to be there for her. I couldn't bare the thought of leaving Heather lying on a operating table, but Faith needed me too.
I just sort of stumbled from the left side of room to the right side of the room. "baby, are you ok?," I'd ask Heather. Then back to Faith to check on her. Then back to Heather. And back to Faith. Back and forth. Seemed like eternity. Probably lasted 15 minutes. I really have no idea. However long it took to get a baby ready and to stitch up Heather...seemed like hours. I couldn't escape that "limbo" feeling. Not knowing who needed me more, not knowing whom I should be closest too, and just feelings of being torn in 2 different directions.
I've spent 9 years falling in love with Heather. I've been conditioned to run to her in time of need, or in time of hurt, pain, etc. But that feeling became instinctual in an instant when I heard Faiths cry for the first time.
After they had finally wrapped Faith's 5lb 11oz body up in blankets, I was able to carry her to Heather. It seemed like forever since they had separated mother and daughter from each other. But as soon as both were ready, they were reunited.
That was the second "issue" Heather had with having a c-section. We'd heard and even been told that it could be a minimum of a couple of hours before Heather could hold Faith. She would have to recover from not only the surgery, but from the drugs as well. But before the doctors and nurses could even roll us out of the OR, there they were...together...Faith was wrapped up in mommy's arms.
Turned out that the "second issue" never was an issue. Heather got to hold our precious baby girl sooner than we both had imagined.
The next few hours were just an overwhelming blur. We were exhausted, yet excited. A really odd, conflicting, yet surreal feeling. "Issue #3" was fast approaching.
Heather had been dead set on breast feeding Faith from day one. She worried that the c-section would hinder that experience, delay it, or possibly prevent her from breast feeding. It's all still a blur as to how that first attempt at breast feeding went. Faith did pretty well with a little assistance. They brought in the pump machine and gave us the run down. Heather pumped that first time for 15-20 minutes, and immediately we were depressed by the results. Must have been a tablespoon full only. We were sitting in the room alone, sulking over these few drops of "liquid gold." When the nurse came back in, we showed her the results and to our surprise we got what we thought was a pity party. But the nurse was so overly excited. "Wow, good job mommy!" she said. "That's amazing for the first time". Really? We were so confused but our spirits had been lifted. Sure enough, each time on the pump produced more and more! By the second day, Heather was being labeled an "over-producer!"
So if you're keeping count...all of our fears, worries, and anxieties about having a c-section had been put to rest. Praise God!
But God had something else to show me through this experience. He had something in store for me that would be so eye-opening that it would change my life, my Christian walk, and my heart forever. Once the dust had settled, and the excitement and visitors calmed down...God settled me down. Me, Heather, and Faith were finally all alone. I can't say He spoke to me audibly, but He showed me something that I could never wrap my head around before becoming a father...
...more to come...
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