...Distractions

Why did I even start this blog?  I had to remind myself of that recently.  It wasn't just for fun. It wasn't because I thought I had something profound to say.  It wasn't for anyone in particular.  I wanted to do it for me.

I've always enjoyed writing, and I'm not sure why.  After high school I really wanted to be a journalist....specifically a sportswriter.  I didn't finish college, but while I was there I took as many journalism classes as I could.  They were the only classes I actually enjoyed, by far.  I got a part-time job/paid internship at a local newspaper.  Not actually writing anything but I thought it was so cool to be working at real newspaper!  I'd answer phones, and enter stats and scores in the "scoreboard" section.  It was fun, for awhile, but I started getting bored with it.  I had to go in after classes and work up until the deadline which was anywhere from 10:30pm-11:30pm, depending on the day.  So I was mostly just working in a cubicle environment with night editors.  The people I worked with (maybe 3-6 editors) seemed...depressed.  Not that they were actually depressed, but they didn't seem happy doing their job.  It began to wear me down after a few months.  I came in passionate about journalism and writing, and seeing the people "in the business" be so unhappy just sucked all my passion out of me.  I was like, "so this is what it's really like?"  Now maybe the reporters, journalists, and people actually doing the writing were much happier...I didn't know.  But all I knew was, I didn't wanna be like the "people who worked at a newspaper."  I was at a crossroads.  My college didn't offer journalism as a major, and the things they did offer didn't really interest me.  Combine that with my new outlook on journalism, and I was done.  Whatever I did in life...I just wanted it to make me happy.  To be excited about my future.  So I quit my job at the newspaper, and dropped out of college.

That probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but here I am....writing a blog.  Ever since those days of college and the newspaper job, I've been wanting to write...about anything...just wanted to write.  Someone at my church said to me last year, "why don't you start a blog?"  Then I said to myself, "why not, but what would I write about?"  Quickly it was brought up that maybe I should write about being a first time dad.  For weeks, I thought about the possibilities...what should I title the blog, how often should I write, how specific or vague should I be?  The list of whats, and whens went on forever.

Every time I get ready to start something new, I just bog myself down with questions and insecurities of why it won't work out, do I really know what I'm doing, what I don't know, is now the right time, etc.  I procrastinate so much because of that.  I'm the type of person, that when I do start something...I'm all in.  I'm in it until the task, problem, or mission has been completed.  I try to figure out every detail of what may or may not work out, and every possibility until I just drain myself and grow complacent with my original idea or plan.  Then I just stall out and nothing gets done.  Or I'll procrastinate until nothing ever happens at all.  Maybe I have some type of fear of failing or fear of not finishing.  But one thing is for sure...once I commit to something...I'm all in.  That's how I approach everything in life...good or bad.  It's even how I approached Christianity.  I delayed and put off accepting Jesus until I was ready to go "all in."

Same for this blog.  I put it off for so many reasons, until another church friend gave me a brilliant idea.  I wasted so much time thinking about what I might write about...thinking about specifics that I lost sight of the big picture.

Since becoming a Christian, I had heard so many times how important it was to spend time in the Word.  Not in a legalistic (check off a box) kind of way.  But as a encouragement to really grow in my relationship with Him.  The Bible can speak to us if we take the time to listen.  But that's the hard part...taking the time...and listening.  No one at my church has ever put condemnation on me for not journaling or doing daily devotions, but they have always encouraged me to start.  And that I would see the results in my relationship with God and my personal growth, in all areas of my life.

Over the past couple of months, journaling and devotions have really been on my mind.  I've been feeling such conviction on not really taking the time to dive into the Word and spending time with God.  Every book, podcast, Bible study, and message I've been hearing lately has been a reminder that I'm still not making my time with God, through His word, a priority in my life.

So in a conversation with our church's youth pastor, we got onto the topic of journaling and devotions, and he jokingly suggested I should combine my interest in starting a blog and journaling.  What a brilliant idea, I thought.  I was motivated to do both, but procrastinated both as well.  That same day...this blog was birthed.  But I felt like I had to give people the perspective of where I came from and why I am who I am today.  My testimony.  So now that I've done that...I need to start doing what I originally planned to do...use this blog to keep myself honest and accountable for my journaling.

Now that I've gotten all my "past" out of the way.  It's time to start journaling, right?  Haha.  A couple of Fridays ago, I decided...today is the day.  I've read a few verses here and there, and read a chapter here and there.  But never did I "journal" before.  Never did I take the time to really focus and jot down some notes on what I had read and what God may be revealing or teaching me in through those verses and chapters.  I've actually had my physical journal for nearly 5 months.  And had never written one word in it.  So Friday arrived...

On Fridays I don't have to be at work until 12:30pm, so I had plenty of time to "journal."  So I woke up (at 10am, don't judge me...we having a baby soon and I am embracing the idea of sleeping in while I have the chance) and thought before I start this journaling thing, I need to freshen up.  But I had so much extra time I thought I would just lay in bed for a bit and watch some SportsCenter first.  Eventually, I got in the shower.  After the shower I was like...I might as well brush my teeth before journaling.  Then after brushing my teeth I was like....I should probably gel/fix my hair now, in case my journaling time goes too long and then I'll be rushed to fix my hair.  So I spiked my hair, like I normally do.  By this time it's nearly 11:30am, and since I had pre-determined that I would do my journaling downstairs at our kitchen table, I should probably get my clothes for the day and throw them in the dryer to freshen them up as well.  (Am I the only person who needs to put my fresh already clean clothes back in the dryer before wearing them that day?  Anyone else? haha).  Now, I'm finally downstairs and I think to myself....I should grab a bottle of water to drink before and while I'm journaling.  So I did.  With the type of table we have, Heather is adamant about putting down table place mats and coasters out if we're going to be using the table.  So I grab a coaster and place mat.  I grab my journal, grab a pen and then think...should I use my iPhone Bible app to read or should I use my actual Bible that has notes, captions, etc in it?  I decided to use my phone since it was handy.  But then I think...some worship music in the back ground would be nice to listen to.  I start scrolling through my music for a few minutes...should I listen to Needtobreathe, Jesus Culture, David Crowder, etc?  I decide on Needtobreathe.  Then I open my Bible app on my phone and realize that to read a couple chapters, I have to do a lot of scrolling down.  After just a few verses, I'm already focused on how annoying it is to be scrolling so much.  I need my actual Bible, I thought to myself.  So I start looking for my Bible.  (How sad is it that I didn't know where my Bible was?)  I remembered I had left it in my truck, from church on Sunday.  Finally I am back inside and at my kitchen table with my Bible and am ready to get re-focused.  But within 30 seconds of getting re-focused, all I can concentrate on is the song playing...I love Needtobreathe and just can't help singing along with them.  Maybe Needtobreathe wasn't the best musical selection for Bible reading and journaling after all.  So I decide on Jesus Culture.  But Jesus Culture did the same thing...got me singing.  Then I decide to just turn off the music, but I didn't like the silence in the house, so I turned it back on.  This time I just turned it down real low.  But then it was too low.  I turned it back up.  That was too loud.  Adjusted it lower again.  Finally, I was ready to read...and, more importantly, listen!

I follow our church's journal outline, which means I read a little Old Testament, then a little New Testament. But by the time I got to NT stuff I realized that I was running short on time.  Reading the Bible isn't hard...but making time to journal was the hard part for me.  Now here I was, having read the recommended readings, but quickly running out of time...again.  But I pressed on.  I wrote what I felt like stuck out to me and just got to work a few minutes late.

What I realized is...taking...I mean...Making time for God is hard, when you're not accustomed to doing so. But making time for stuff we "want" do is easy.  Haha.  I made time that day for SportsCenter, but rushed my time with God.  I'm still working on prioritizing the important things in my life.  I'm willing to bet a lot of Christians don't spend enough time in the Word.  Not because we don't love God, but because we don't see the importance of it.  How can I know what God has promised me, or what He has planned for me, or what He would like to change in me, etc. if I don't take the time to find out.

The world, or some might say the Enemy, will do anything to keep our eyes distracted from God.  We have routines, schedules, and "priorities" in life that keep us so busy all the time.  Maybe if we'd take just a few minutes with God each day He could reveal new plans for us...maybe even bigger and better plans than we already had for ourselves.  Maybe He would free up our schedule to live more practical lives, rather than just being so busy all the time.

I've been part of a men's Bible study every Tuesday morning at 6am for several months now.  I know what most people are thinking..."6am?...are serious?...on a workday?"  But it has been amazing and now I can't miss it!  The very first meeting we had...I completely forgot about, and overslept.  I'm not used to waking up before 8 or 9, so the idea of waking up at 5am was completely out of my norm and way out of my comfort zone.  It didn't sound fun at all!  But after that first meeting I actually made it too, I realized real quick that from now on, I can't miss it.  The connections and relationships us men have formed through this once-a-week gathering has truly changed us. We've been able to take time to really dive into studies on the power of our words, the Holy Spirit, relationships, and so much more.  Each guy that attends has the same testimony..."Tuesday's are the best day of the work week."  You can really feel a difference when you spend the first part of your day focusing on God and what He has in store to teach us.  We have been growing in our relationship with each other...but more importantly with God!

I have been connecting some dots recently.  If I can feel a real difference, a real presence of God in my life on Tuesday's...why wouldn't I want that same feeling the other days of the week?  And my favorite day of the weekend is Sunday.  Because on Sunday I am able to focus a part out of my day to worship God and receive a message/sermon/teaching right out of the Word of God.  My point is, that I can't always rely on others to bring God to me, or to spoon feed me His word.  Well, actually I can do that...but why would I want to?  Why would I want to keep God in a "box," or at church?  God has been showing me that it is to my benefit that I make time for Him and rally listen to Him each day!

I'm not where I want to be or need to be when it comes to spending time with God.  And I'm sure there are plenty of Christians who are in the same position.  It's not about condemnation.  We're still going to Heaven one day, if we've accepted Him.  But God has such a desire to grow us and show us what he has in store for us.  I don't think He wants us to just rest in the fact that we are going to Heaven, but wants us to experience Heaven on earth.  He wants us to grow closer to Him and not just live and struggle on this planet like everybody else.  We should be living supernatural lives!  So that others around us can see God working in our lives.  We need encouragement in tough times, we need healing (physical, emotional, spiritual), we need correcting, we need to hear the promises He has for us, etc.  We all want these things and more, but do we really take or make the time to sit down, alone with God, and actually listen.  His words are right there...all we have to do is open our eyes, hearts, minds....and Bible.

I don't have it all figured out, but God does.  I don't know what tomorrow brings, but God does.  God knows everything about me/us...my/our strengths, my/our weaknesses, my/our dreams, my/our plans, my/our insecurities, etc.  And I believe He is so anxious to help me/us in all these areas...If I/we will take the time to LISTEN through His Word!

The "M" Word...part 2

...part 2...

I hid my feelings and emotions in for a few days, after the second miscarriage.  I was so angry with God.  So mad, but I knew I couldn't hold it in for much longer.  We met with some very dear friends and pastors  (Jason & Alyse Doescher) from our church. They were one of the few people who even knew we were pregnant the second time. They asked just the right questions to bring my feelings to the surface. I hope everyone has friends like that...the kind that don't just settle for what your words are saying, but really listening to your heart.  Heather had no idea what was coming. "Yeah, I'm mad at God, really mad!" There, I said it. I broke down, cried with sadness but was filled with anger . I couldn't keep it inside anymore.

Within a few days after our 2nd miscarriage, we had pre-scheduled a vacation. For me it felt like perfect timing. We needed a break from work and life. We needed to be alone. We just needed to get away. Heather wondered "how are we going to have fun and enjoy ourselves in this time of pain?" But we all convinced her that the timing worked in our favor. We really did need time to ourselves and needed to hit the reset button on what to do next.  What was our Plan B?

We immediately started questioning our decision to get pregnant with medicines. Realizing that after the combo of meds, we were ovulating almost immediately, where normally women ovulate 2 weeks, or halfway, between "cycles." It didn't seem healthy or natural to ovulate so fast. I'm not a doctor by any means, but I figured our miscarriages had something to do with the fact that we were fertilizing an egg that was under developed.  Seemed like we were forcing Heather's body do things in a very unnatural way.

Within a few days of the miscarriage we were to drive to the beach. Finally our chance to just get away from everything and everyone. Heather loves to read on the beach. I hate reading, but I knew on the inside that I really needed to find a good book to keep my mind busy while soaking in the sun. I browsed the Christian book section forever....looking for that perfect book to jump out at me. I needed something really really really good to help me wrestle through these feelings of anger towards God. I needed answers. If I didn't get a book convincing me that I shouldn't turn away from God...then I would seriously consider doing just that!

http://www.planbbook.com/

I saw a book called, "PLAN B; What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would?" by Pete Wilson. I kind of skipped around flipping the pages. I ran across something that mentioned "miscarriage." The book wasn't about miscarriages, but about events/crisis' in our life when we expect God to do something, and He doesn't "show up" the way we think He should. (If anyone is going through something similar to this, or maybe even some other hurt or crisis...I highly recommend this book!)  We forget sometimes that He knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). But most importantly the book doesn't pretend to have answers for all of our questions we have during trying times in our life. We were at a point where we had to go with "Plan B." Or maybe plan C or plan D. But our plans aren't necessarily what God had planned for us. We see it as a "Plan B"...but maybe it was God's "Plan A" all along. But what really restored my faith and trust back in God was, the idea of true spiritual transformation! This book, in one week's time, had reminded me of God's love and plans for me! And that He would use this hurtful, painful experience to transform me and grow me closer to Him!  Once I saw it from that perspective...the game changed in a big way.  God wants to transform us!

I was growing in Christ before we tried to get pregnant, but I was sort of at a point where I was like, "ok, so I'm a Christian, now what?" It's easy to say we have faith in God, but when put to the test...do we really? If God gave me everything I ever asked for immediately...would I even need "faith?" Would I ever grow?  Would I ever need to trust Him?  It's not really faith at that point is it? To expand upon an analogy from a pastor at my church (Pastor Shelly, thank you)....lets say we are asking for God to help in the area of finances and praying for blessings in that area. But instead of listening to God, trusting and having faith that He will provide for us....we just go out and get a second job to overcome the financial shortcomings ourselves!  As Americans, when we need/want something, we just go out and get it. We live in a society where we want things "right now."  We rarely give God the opportunity (or time) to step in and do something amazing! Probably something even more amazing than we could ever dream up.  We just do it ourselves. Heather and I wanted a baby. So we went out and tried any and every recommended to get ourselves a baby! Surely, God can use doctors to help people, we thought. God was just using doctors and medicines to "heal" us, we convinced ourselves. And don't get me wrong, God does use doctors and people for good. But, we knew God had a plan for us to have children. Did we really have faith that He would deliver on that promise?

It's so easy for us to say, "I trust God," or "I believe God will heal me."  But once we see the doctor report, or hear another opinion, or see that we aren't getting better...we are quick to fall back on our own thoughts or the doctors opinions. "God said he will provide for me," but do we really believe it? "God says he will heal me"....but do we believe it?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  

-Albert Einstien

After the second miscarriage we knew one thing; that we could not do the same method of getting pregnant and expect a different result. It's foolish to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time. Plus, we couldn't handle it emotionally. If we had went with the same plan of action, we would be expecting the same result, and we couldn't handle that. From  August 2011-November 2011 we were being convicted...or convinced of our "true faith in God." We were relying on doctors and not the vision that God had given us for a family. We struggled with... should we alter the dosage of medications, should we alter the timing of the medications, should we go to an infertility clinic, should we just keep trying naturally, or maybe we should just look into adoption?

Adoption has always been on my heart. I can't explain why...it's just always been something, I knew, I wanted to do. Ironically Heather had thought about it too. We discussed it off and on for years. We kind of decided that we would like to have our own baby, before looking into adoption. But now we were asking ourselves, "why wait?"  Why not adopt now?  Maybe adoption was God's more immediate plan for us?

Sometime in November we were ready to reveal what our "plan B" was. We told ourselves, and close friends and family that after the holidays, we planned to start the adoption process! We would find an agency and go from there. Not only that, we decided, we were done with getting pregnant by means of medications. We were submitting to God this time... "God, it's in your hands now. We will get pregnant whenever. No rush. We know we are going to have children one day. We will leave the "how" and "when" up to you, God! It was such a freeing thing to give to God! We decided we aren't going to take matters into our hands anymore. God was in control and in His timing, we would have a baby.

One December evening Heather and I were driving home and we started talking about having a baby and wondering how exactly it would happen. I remember saying, "I don't know how or when we are gonna get pregnant, but when it happens, it will happen in such a way that only God will get the glory and all the credit." I didn't wanna get pregnant and have to say, "the doctors really got the right combination of medicine for us." Not that doctors weren't trying their best to help us, and doctors do amazing jobs. But is it selfish to say, "I want God to get all the credit?"

With Christmas 2011 quickly approaching, we were just ready for 2012. We had a plan and were ready to start it. 2011 was painful, but yet we grew in our relationship with God so much.  So much than I could ever imagine actually.  I was experiencing "transformation."  And despite the past pain and hurts, I was at a good place in my faith...especially after God revealed His plan for our family in a miraculous way!!!

Late December, Heather woke up after having a dream that we had just had a baby boy. The dream sort of got her depressed. It felt so real, she thought....until she woke up. I could hear the initial excitement in her voice as she was telling me all about it. But as the day went on, I think she started over-thinking it. She started thinking, "I wish my dream was real." Then all she could think about how sad it was that she only experienced having a baby while dreaming. Was God teasing her or speaking to her? The next day at work a co-worker told Heather, she had a dream that Heather had a baby boy. What!? How weird is that? A few more days past and Heather just couldn't shake the dream from her mind. What is it a sign we were pregnant, or maybe were about to be pregnant? We haven't been trying to get pregnant...but even if we had...she hadn't had a period or ovulated since June!

On December 15, 2011 Heather decided (without my approval, haha) that she had to find out what the dream meant. She had a pregnancy test at home leftover from "our medical record keeping days." So a couple weeks before Christmas, Heather took it upon herself to take a pregnancy test to confirm, or put to rest the dream she had...

...now I'm not sure what happened between the time she took the test until the time I got home from work.  Must have been about 30 minutes, that she sat there looking at the results of the pregnancy test.  Long enough, I guess, to try and figure out...what? when? how did this happen?...

I walked in the front door, and heard Heather yell from our upstairs bedroom, "babe, can you come up here?"  "Coming," I yell back at her.  I was not prepared in any way to hear the words that would come out of her mouth.  I still had my mind on the days work and how I was ready to be home and relax.  Not knowing she had secretly taken a pregnancy test.  Ever since her dream I knew she wanted to take a test, but I just didn't want her too.  If it came up negative, I knew she'd be disappointed.  Why put her through that?  We hadn't been on any meds and she hadn't had a period...so of course we couldn't possibly be pregnant, I thought.

I walk into our room, and see Heather standing there, like she had something to say.  She sort of that "dear in the headlights look."  I could tell for an instant, that she had been waiting on me, anxiously...

"We're pregnant," she said, in such a matter of fact way.  I'm not sure what I said next honestly, but I think it was along the lines of, "huh?"  She said it again, "we are pregnant!"  Then again I said something profound like, "how?"  "I don't know, but we are pregnant!" she said.

Have you ever seen something or heard something so amazing that you are at a loss for words and emotions?  Stunned.  Speechless.  Shocked.  I think it took several minutes to wrap my head around the fact that, we were experiencing the results of an absolute miracle from God!  A miracle!  We hadn't been trying at all to get pregnant.  To be open and honest, our "romantic life" had suffered from the whole getting pregnant ordeal we had been wrestling with.  Heather hadn't had a period in months.  How was this possible?  Because God is bigger than any circumstance!  God is faithful!  God is still in the miracle business!  That's how it happened.  And guess who got all the glory?....God.

On the subject of miracles.  Before we had gotten pregnant, I watched this hour-long show on conception and what happens inside a woman's body during the beginning stages of pregnancy.  How the egg and sperm meet up and how the egg is fertilized, etc.  After watching this amazing process and listening to an hour of "scientific" (hard to understand) explanations on how this all works, I came away with one impression.  I could sum up what "they" said in one word....our new "M" word...Miracle!

Science can try and explain the things of this earth all they want.  But conception and new life is simply a miracle.  If you are alive right now, it's because of God.  Any person who is a mother or a daughter, or a father or a son, has experienced a miracle!

We immediately started talking about how we were gonna tell people about this miracle.  Should we drive around town on a Thursday evening spreading the great news?  Or.  Should we use the Christmas holiday to our advantage and really surprise the pants off the family and tell them on Christmas day?  We already had a doctor appointment scheduled for the following Monday, in which they were going to look at Heather's uterus to see if they could find any physical damages that may have caused 2 miscarriages.  I love God's timing.  We didn't even have to schedule an appointment...it had been scheduled weeks ago in advance.  We couldn't wait for the doctor to confirm our positive tests.  Notice I said, "tests," haha.  We took 6 pregnancy tests!  We had to keep reminding ourselves...was this really happening!?  We owed it to ourselves to see that many positive tests, after seeing so many negative ones.

I'm still amazed that we found out we were pregnant just days before we were scheduled to have Heather's uterus checked out for abnormalities that may have caused miscarriages.  It was also the appointment in which we were going to tell the doctor that we were done with the medicines and that we would be taking a break from the medical routine we had been in for over a year.  Talk about God's timing and faithfulness.

The doctor confirmed that we were pregnant, of course.  We had no clue how far along we were.  There was no "last period" to give any indication of when we might ave gotten pregnant.  We asked to schedule an ultrasound ASAP to see how far along we were and to see our baby's heartbeat.  We wanted the ultrasound before Christmas so we could show the little black and white photos to our family!  But the doctor was hesitant.  They would need to do blood work to see how high the "pregnancy hormone" was before scheduling an ultrasound appointment.  If the number was high enough, he promised he would squeeze us in for an ultrasound before Christmas Eve.  We've had this blood work done before, during the the first to pregnancies.  The number had to be at a certain level before they would do the ultrasound.  So we hoped and prayed the results were high enough to get us in...got a phone call that not only were the numbers high enough, but they were the highest pregnancy hormone number we had ever had, including the first two pregnancies.  The number was double of what it needed to be.  So the ultrasound was scheduled just days before Christmas Eve.

As the ultrasound appointment got closer and closer, fear started creeping in our minds.  Ultrasounds made us nervous, never knowing what we may or may not see.  But we continually reminded ourselves that this time was different.  Radically different.  This had God's signature written all over it.  Why would we doubt Him now?

Everything about this pregnancy was different.  Down to the doctors office, the doctor, even the ultrasound tech.  Which actually gave us a peace of mind.  Everything about the first 2 pregnancies was the same, and this one was so very different in nearly every single way.

The day of the ultrasound, we were once again nervous wrecks.  I couldn't shake the old memories of past ultrasounds.  We finally get into the room and Heather and I are just tense, anxious, and scared.  We needed to see the flickering heartbeat...we needed to see it.  And almost immediately, the flickering heartbeat appeared on the screen!  This time we couldn't even cry with excitement.  All the tension and hardness in our heart and mind just melted away.  Felt like the world had just been removed from our shoulders.  I could have stared at the flickering light of a heartbeat for hours.

Christmas card we gave to family on Christmas day! 2011.
*notice the heart shape, we thought that was cool!*

We spent from Christmas Eve 2011 until February 4th, rolling out the news of our 3rd pregnancy.  With each passing day the fear of miscarrying was losing it's grip in our minds.  Each day became easier and easier to embrace the gift from God.  We were afraid to tell too many people that we were pregnant.  But each time we did, we took another step of faith, in trusting that God was with us and had His hands on us and our baby!

As of yesterday, May 1, 2012, we are 25 weeks into the pregnancy.  Every week is another milestone for us.  We got past the first trimester.  Had our ultrasound to find out the sex...

It's a GIRL!

And now we are just patiently waiting to hold our little miracle baby girl!

3/20/12; Day we found out we were having a GIRL!

Being pregnant and seeing this baby grow is a testament to our Faith.  It has wavered, but God has restored it in miraculous ways.  We trust Him.  He has taught us the most valuable lesson in the area of faith.  If you truly put your faith in Him....He will always, always be faithful to you.  He will not disappoint you.  God is a Restorer.  He is a Healer.  And with God all things are possible (Matt. 19:26).

We struggled with true faith, but God has restored true faith in us!  After the 2nd miscarriage (while we were at the beach) we bought this picture to keep in our living room.  It says, "Faith,"  We needed to be reminded everyday to have Faith.  What a perfect name for our daughter we thought!  Should we use it as a middle name or first name?  We started researching names, and found the name Brielle.  It meant "of God" or "God is my Strength."  We put a little twist on it..Briella.  Then added an "h"....Briellah.  Hey, if God added an "h" to Abraham and Sarah, then why not add an "h" to Briellah!?

So it's official everyone, in case you haven't heard....August 14th is the due date and her name will be...

FAITH BRIELLAH GODDARD

13 WEEKS

16 WEEKS

20 WEEKS; same day we found out we were having a girl.

24 WEEKS

The "M" word...part 1

2010 looked liked it was gonna be an amazing year for Heather and I.  We were feeling right at home with our new church family.  Our marriage was thriving.  We were just happy.  Things seemed to be going great.  We had surrounded ourselves with amazing people.  Between church friends, neighborhood friends and family; life was good.  We were seeing the blessings of having God in our lives and loving every minute of life!

We had put off having a baby for several reasons.  None of which, looking back, were good reasons considering we had no idea it would take so long to experience the miracle of conception/pregnancy.  We dated and were engaged for 4 years (sept. 2003-sept. 2007).  Then we got married and thought, "wouldn't it be nice to just enjoy the young married life for awhile?"  The answer was "yes."  But then our marriage got off to a not-so-pleasant start with my addiction.  But by 2010, we had grown and matured in our marriage and in our relationship with God!

We decided sometime in late winter of 2010 that the following May we would come off birth-control and start trying to have a baby!  We were scared, anxious, nervous, but so excited!  Another reason we had waited to have a baby was Heather's job.  We both worked "retail hours."  Heather knew she couldn't deal with having to work those hours and have a baby at the same time.  In late 2009, Heather was able to get a new job...a 8-5, Mon-Fri.  She was happy and ready to get the ball rolling with the baby making process!

I have to give a little history on Heather before we go too much further.  (And I have Heather's permission to be open and honest about this).  The info is somewhat private but needs to be explained...

When we came off birth-control in May, we decided to wait until June before actively trying to get pregnant.  Wanted her body to be birth-control free for 30 days or so before getting pregnant.  Funny how we thought we might get pregnant immediately.  So June came and we started trying to have ourselves a baby!

By late July we knew this was gonna be a longer process than we hoped for.  Since coming off birth-control in May, Heather hadn't had a "cycle".  May...no "cycle."  June...no "cycle."  July...no "cycle."  Even when Heather was younger and before being on birth-control she never had a regular cycle.  No big deal for a teen.  And when on birth-control it sort of regulates women.  But now we realized, "we got a problem here."  You can't get pregnant without a full cycle.

Women; you probably already know this. Men; maybe you do and maybe you don't but I'll bore everyone with the details anyway.  Because I never knew I would need to know this but now I know way more than a man should!  So here it goes...http://www.americanpregnancy.org explains ovulation and menstruation this way:

Ovulation occurs when a mature egg is released from the ovary, pushed down the fallopian tube, and is available to be fertilized. The lining of the uterus has thickened to prepare for a fertilized egg. If no conception occurs, the uterine lining as well as blood will be shed. The shedding of an unfertilized egg and the uterine wall is the time of menstruation.

Basically, a "period" is the result of ovulation...unless of course you conceive in the tiny window of time that the egg is available for implementation, which is about 12-24 hours.  And the fertilization process takes about 6-12 days.  So with all that said...we scheduled a doctor appointment.  With no "period" we could do the math and see we were not ovulating, therefore, no egg was available to get pregnant with.

Heather's OB/GYN prescribed her a medicine that would basically force a period.  And hopefully jump-start the whole "cycle" process.  The meds did what they were supposed to do.  She had a period.  But along with the meds we had to start tracking each day to keep a record of the start of her period to the last day, then after "x" amount of days start testing for ovulation for "x" amount of days.    All this, so that we would know the optimum time to try and get pregnant. Then, before we could start the next month of meds we would have to take a pregnancy test to make sure we weren't pregnant.  I know this process is going to sound familiar to all women and married couple who have infertility issues or complications.  But to those who have never been through this process...let me say bluntly..."it sucks."  Everyday is a reminder of the fact that you're not pregnant yet or that you have a problem.  Everyday you take a ovulation test and see the "negative" sign is just another depressing reminder that not only are you not pregnant yet...but also that your body isn't doing what its supposed to do.  I tried to support my wife each and every day to keep her positive.  It's such a hard battle to face everyday day, week, month.  It really wears you down emotionally, physically and spiritually.  You have to remain positive.  Always assuming that today is the day we see a positive ovulation test...or a positve pregnancy test...etc.

The first dose of meds did what they were supposed to do.  Heather had a period.  But day after day of ovulation testing we kept seeing negative ovulation results.  She had the "cycle" but still no ovulation.

We were back at the doctor to find a new option.  This go round, we would take one medicine to force a period.  Then follow that up with a medicine that would force an ovualtion.  We liked the sound of that.  By this time, it was October.  We were getting frustrated with how long it was taking to get pregnant.  But reminding ourselves that sometimes it just takes a while.  You can't expect to start trying and then 5 months later, be pregnant.  The worst part was knowing Heather was feeling like her body was the reason we couldn't get pregnant.  She just wanted a "normal" body, that operated "normally."

We started off November with the 1st round of meds.  Then followed that up with the new 2nd medicine.  But same result.  Still no ovulation.  So far, things weren't gettting better...they were getting worse.  We tried for 2  & 1/2 months naturally; no ovuation, not pregnant.  Tried 2 & 1/2 months with 1 medicine; no ovulation, not pregnant.  Tried 1 month with a combo of 2 different meds; no ovulation, not pregnant.  But the doctors had more options.  So we tried to stay optimistic.  We weren't necessarily sad that we weren't pregnant yet.  We understood that it takes time.  But we were nearly 6 months into the process and not one time had Heather even ovulated.  There is zero chance of getting pregnant without ovulating.  And even if she was ovulating, we knew it could still take time to get pregnant.  So hurt, confusion, pain, and frustration had set in.

The doctors weren't giving up, but did reccommend we make an appointment with an infertility specialist.  Those were hard words to digest.  Knowing we had to see a "specialist" for infertility was sobering and depressing.  We scheduled an appointment with an infertility specialist, but the earliest appointment was in February (3 months away).  In the mean time, the doctors suggested a different 2nd drug to help force ovulation.  We were willing to try anything, so we agreed!

We were still young in our Faith.  We knew God had plans for us to have a family.  We just didn't know when.  I think alot of "new" Christians assume that once you accept Him that things just start working out in your favor.  I had that thought for some reason.  I was like, "God, I'm part of your family now...so give me what I want and when I want it."

December started the same as November.  Take one medicine to force a period, and another medicine to force ovulation.  Except this time we had a new 2nd medicine.  So, we were anxious to see if this med would work!  Sure enough...we got to see our first positive ovulation test!  We finally had a window of opportunity to get pregnant!

Then the waiting started again.  We had to wait until January to take a pregnancy test so that we could know if we needed to redo all this again.  So the moment of truth came, it was time to take a test...did it work this time?...are we pregnant?  The test gave us the answer we were looking for! It was positive!  We couldnt wait to shout it from the roof-top, "we are pregnant!"  We made the rounds to family, and celebrated like never before.  Scheduled the doctor appointment to confirm the multiple positive pregnancy tests.  At the appointment we were able to see on the ultrsound screen the flickering of a baby heartbeat!  A tiny heartbeart was forming into our soon to be baby.  We cried with excitement!  They could measure the tiny forming baby and confirm that we were 6 weeks into the pregnancy!

Heather's mom hearing the news.  First pregnancy. 1/11

My mom.  Hearing about our 1st pregnancy. 1/11

The next couple weeks were so amazing.  We cancelled our infertility appointment.  We were so happy and couldn't wait to tell everyone we came in contact with that "we were pregnant!"  Heather was convinced it was a girl...and we already had a name picked out....Emma Grace Goddard!  But privately Heather was feeling different.  Not pregnant different...but normal different.  She didn't feel pregnant...she never felt sick.  Everyone said, "oh you're so lucky...embrace it...be glad you're not sick all the time."  But Heather wanted to feel sick.  She wanted to "experience" everything that came with being pregnant!

Then the day came where our excitement and joy came to a screetching halt...

Every pregnants woman's fear...the "M" word.

When you get pregnant, doctors are quick to tell you that bleeding can be normal during early pregnancy.  They say "don't freak out!"  But how can you not freak out as a woman to see blood while pregnant!  As a husband, I tried to be reassuring, "everything is ok...this is normal...don't freak out baby."  But deep down inside I was having a panic attack.  I was just as scared as she was.  We called the doctors office...they get you in real fast when you're pregnant and bleeding.  They needed to do another ultrasound to find the tiny flickering heartbeat.  So we sat there....staring at a black and white screen....looking for anything that flickered....anything....

Nothing flickered.  Just darkness.  The ultrasound tech had to confirm our biggest fear...."I'm sorry" is all she could say.  "Sorry" didn't help.  Not even close.  We cried for what felt like days.

The doctors office had to schedule an immediate appointment at the hospital for a D&C surgery/procedure to remove our baby...to remove our little Emma Grace that we had already gotten attached to and loved so much.  I thought to myself, "Could this get any worse, why is this happening to us, did we deserve this?"

After the buckets of tears that were cried, I was surprisingly optimistic and really found myself leaning on God...even though I would never understand why he would allow this to happen to us.  We were getting encouragement from so many that God had a plan for us.  I was growing in my relationship with God and knew I had to have faith in Him...because He is Faithful!  I still trusted that God would fix this.  That He would give us the baby we so desperately wanted!

We had to take time for physical and emotional healing.  We had our miscarriage in February 2011.  We had to wait 6-8 weeks for Heather's physical healing.  Then doctors wanted us to have at least one "period" before trying to get pregnant again.  But of course...Heather still would not have a period on her on.  So by June, we were ready to go back to what worked the first time.  The same combination of meds.  It worked once....so we were expecting it to work twice!  We had given ourselves plenty of time to really recover from the miscarriage, the best that you can anyway.

Doctors, family, and friends were persistant in reminding Heather that she didn't cause the miscarriage.  Many women blame themselves for a miscarriage.  They think maybe they ate the wrong thing...or picked up something too heavy...etc.  But Heather knew and I knew that she did everything "by the book."  As humans we feel like we have to assign blame or give a reason for why something happened.  Instead of just acknowledging that God is in control and sometimes we can't explain, and will not have an answer for everything that happens in this life.  We knew Heather didn't do anything physically to result in a miscarriage.  So we concluded that...we didn't pray enough.  If only we had prayed more for ourselves and for the baby....then everything might have turned out differently.

In June we had decided to try the combination of medicines that worked.  Took the 1st med...had a period.  Took the 2nd med...got a positive ovualtion test!  Amazing...we thought.  This route seemed to be working really well, we thought.  The real test would be, if we would get pregnant again.

This time we were so anxious to take a pregnancy test.  We were expecting a positive test, based on the results from 6 months earlier!  In July we took the pregnancy test and just like the last time,,,"we were pregnant!"  This combo of drugs was a miracle for us.  The meds were 2 for 2.  100% effectiveness we thought to ourselves!  We called the doctor to schedule that 1st ultrasound...so we could, once again, see our new babies heartbeat.  But we found out so soon that we were pregnant,  that we had to put off the ultrasound for a couple weeks so that we were far enough along to give time for the baby to form a hearbeat and be big enough for us to see it.  If you schedule the ultrasound too soon, you might see nothing becuase it's too early to see anything.

It was the worst 2 weeks of our lives, having to sit and wait long enough to see our babys heartbeat.  After you have a miscarriage it sucks all the excitement out of finding out you're pregnant.  I mean, we were excited obviously, but in the back of your mind you are constantly reminded that you could miscarry at any time.  It's so nerve-racking.  This time we learned our lesson about sharing the news of pregnancy to the whole world.  What hurts just as much as a miscarriage is, having to tell people that you miscarried.  It's like re-living the pain each time you have to tell the story.  So we only told immediate family and a couple close friends.

By the time our ultrasound appointment came finally in August, we were total wrecks.  Our nerves were shot.  We were so excited to see the baby and it's heartbeat.  but so scared we wouldn't see anything and have to cope with another miscarriage.  This time around we prayed everyday, every moment we had, I prayed constantly throughout the day.  Declaring protection over our baby! Praying that Heather would feel sick, so she would know everything was ok.  Praying that everything would be ok.  But everything wasn't ok...

We had become pro's at reading ultrasounds.  We knew what we were looking for...that little flicker of a heartbeat.  The tech moved all around with the instrument....every second that passed seemed like an hour.  We kept looking at the screen.  Looking so hard that I thought I might "miss the forest for the trees."  But there was no forest...no trees.  Nothing, is what we saw.  Our new biggest fear in life was miscarriage.  And here we were again...starring at nothing...looking at a miscarriage.  We had prayed so much and so hard....and the result was the same.  God had let us down.  This time the sadness I felt was mixed equally with anger.  Every minute that passed after I struggled with anger towards God, and the emotional pain and hurt.  By the time we got back to the hospital for another D&C procedure, I was really struggling with an intense anger towards God.  But I kept inside...to myself.  One miscarriage wasn't enough to make me question my faith and trust in God, but the second miscarriage was more than enough.  Where was God now?

As Heather was in surgery, I was in the lobby, just marinating in pain, hurt, and sadness.  But as time slipped by, I began to focus my emotions on God.  What kind of God am I serving?  I thought all things were possible through Him?  I thought God was a Healer?  Didn't seem that way at the time.  I leaned on Him, and He let me fall.  Why was I even wasting my time worshipping and praying to a God who didn't care about me?

...rest of this will be up shortly...to be continued...

Welcome to Family!

By mid-year, 2009, Heather and I had been going to our married-couples Sunday classes for over a year.  I was getting small little doses of God.  Still maintaining a distant weariness about the idea of Christianity (or my idea of Christianity).  I could see the results in our marriage.  The teachings were based on Scripture, Biblical truths, and God's word...but...still...Could I surrender to Him, could I accept Jesus as my Savior, could I really be a Christian with all my imperfections?

To borrow and expand upon an analogy from my pastor:  God's kingdom is like the biggest, freshest, best all-you-can-eat buffet that you can ever imagine (actually beyond what you can imagine)!  We need to be fed by His word, His promises, His gifts.  Their are Christians and church-goers all over America who are starving for God's love, blessings, and gifts...but they/we never decide to (or are never convinced of their righteousness in Him to) just walk up to the buffet and get these things from Him...receive them, as He so generously gives to us.  At this time in my life, we were attending Sunday school lessons, but never actually a church service and never truly accepting Him.  It was like me standing outside of His Heavenly restaurant with an extravagant buffet inside and settling for just the samples people would bring outside to us....of the salad bar!  Not even the meats, the amazing sides, the  desserts, you know, the good stuff.  The stuff that really fills you up.  And as amazing as the "heavenly" salad was....Heather wanted more...and  I did too.  I just wasn't ready to admit it.

As the summer of 2009 passed, we started having serious discussions about finding a home church.  But the problem was I had a list of things I wanted a church to have and not have.  Things I wanted to hear and not hear.  Things I wanted to see and not see.  Heather just wanted to go to church!  The church experiences she had a a kid were more firey, more loud...more pentecostal, if you will.  When I did go to church as a kid, we went to an Episcopal church.  She was cool with the big choirs and the loud preaching.  I was cool with peaceful organ playing and following a script each week.  ( I don't mean that in condescending way...as a kid it just felt like we did the same thing every single week.).  Heather didn't wanna read from a script, or be "bored to death" or be put to sleep.  And I didn't want to get yelled at or listen to a choir, or even a worship band.

Thanks, http://www.ellehines.com/

Heather finally convinced me that we needed to get serious about finding a home church.  Our marriage was getting better and better by the month.  We had big plans of starting a family.  But we needed to be rooted in a church.  Somewhere we could grow and somewhere our future children could grow as well.  I had never been church shopping before.  I was kind of excited about it to be honest.  We knew we'd have to compromise on what "style" of church we wanted, even though we had different views on what that looked like.  Living in the south, we had many, many, many options....did I mention how many options we had?  If you go online and search "church" and my zip code....nearly 400 church organizations pop up within a 10 mile radius.  Crazy.  So, with too many options we sought out some family suggestions.  We had been enjoying the Sunday school classes with my father-in-law and my step-mother-in-law.  Heather's step mom had heard about a church close to us that a family member had attended or used to attend, or something like that.  Details were sketchy, but it was a place to start.  We heard it was a non-denominational church.  (We were wrong about the whole non-denominational thing, but I'm glad we didn't realize we were wrong before we actually went).  Which to me sounded cool for some reason.  Certain denominations turned me off, or Heather off, for some reason.  Even though I had never been to them.  You start building up stereotypes in your head of what "those" churches were like.  The church's name that had been suggested to us was Lakeshore Christian Fellowship. Sounded cool, peaceful, Christian-y, fellowship-y, and reminded me of the lake, so sounded relaxing. I was anxious, but excited to try it out.  It would be one of many churches to try...so I thought.

So, the Sunday morning we were gonna start our church shopping had arrived.  We went to the church. Got there early (visitors always do...but ironically regulars always come last minute or late). Sat in the back, of course.  My fears were about to come true.  Someone was coming up to us to talk to us, to actually get to know us, welcome us, and introduce themselves.

Got passed the welcoming part.  Worship started.  I saw people all around me worshipping God, while I was just taking it all in.  I had never been to a church that had worship team/band.  But I liked it for some reason.  I was against the whole idea of hearing modern worship music, but I had to admit, I liked it a lot.  It felt real, and genuine.  Not just a show.  Then the pastor was up on stage.  In  my mind, this is when I was ready to pick apart all the things I wouldn't like.  But almost immediately, I was drawn in.  The pastor wasn't preaching condemnation on me.  He was encouraging.  He spoke of  "a relationship with God."  That idea was foreign to me. It would take weeks and months for me to be convinced that I could have a relationship with God!  The pastor was teaching me, not preaching at me.  But not teaching me to be smarter about Bible stuff.  Teaching me that I needed a Savior and I could have a personal relationship with the Creator.  I was captivated about church for the first time in my life!

As I've mentioned before, I'm like an onion.  I need to be convinced and stripped in layers.  Lakeshore had peeled off one big think layer on one Sunday.  And it felt good.  After church, Heather and I were driving home and couldn't wait to share our opinions with each other.  We both liked it.  It was way more out of my comfort zone, but yet, I liked it.  I had felt stirred on the inside.  Heather felt it too.  But we then started comparing the "style" of the church.  I didn't like people raising their hands during worship.  It made me feel uncomfortable for some reason (probably because I had never experienced true worship before that time).  I think Heather expected a little more fire, a little more shouting, or a little more people.  But all in all, we liked it!  I think Heather was so surprised that I liked it, that it caught her off guard.  We both had made our minds up that we would continue church shopping and not settle for the first church we tried.  But we just felt like we needed to go back to Lakeshore again.  We felt something there immediately and another week would help us decide if it was a one-hit wonder or if could we see ourselves here...long term.  So, the next week we went to Lakeshore.  Then we went again.  And again.  2 and 1/2 years later...it's the only church we've been a part of.  The only church I have ever been active in.  Only church I've gotten a real foundation for my Faith.  Sometimes you just know when you're at the right place, at the right time, in your life.

(In case someone is close by and interested...http://lakeshorecf.com/)

I don't wanna sound like a church salesman, but I just want to say that after  2 and a half years; I have grown and changed so much.  My church family has been amazing to me and my wife.  We have been so blessed by so many people that I can't even keep track.  Some have came and left the church. But they are forever in our hearts because they became friends that played a huge part in our excitement for...and commitment to God.  My church has softened our hearts and opened our eyes.  Love was confirmed, Hope was renewed, and our Faith has come to Life!

With all that said, I'd love to take a moment to encourage anyone who doesn't have a home church to try and find one, and commit to it.  Finding a church can be hard.  But we were designed to "do church together."  To fellowship and grow the kingdom of God together.  Have an open mind in your search.  Find a church that teaches/preaches from the Bible.  It is God's word written to us.  God's love and desire for us is so immense that we can't truly comprehend it.  Find a church that helps you grow in a real relationship with God.  You will not be disappointed.

Back to me being an onion.  Most Christians I know all have a story of a day and time they gave their life to Jesus and accepted Him.  Maybe you're even curious, "when did u get saved, Dusty?,"  I say "sometime between Christmas of 2009 and Easter of 2010."   And then I laugh.  Because I don't know the time and date.  I was being convinced little by little.  I had actually started living a Christian lifestyle without accepting Him.  Sounds weird, I know.  Maybe in my heart I accepted Him before I realized it.  But I had never spoken it out load.  One church service we were giving the opportunity to say a prayer accepting him for the first time.  And I said it, and I meant it from the bottom of my heart!  And every time the opportunity came to accept Him, I said it again.  And again.  It took me awhile to truly wrap my head around the idea of actually being part of the Kingdom of God.  I felt like I had to keep reminding myself and God that I was all in.  Each time, I was like, "ok this time i really mean it."  Next time..."i really really mean it."  Then I really really really meant it.  I was still so immature in my faith.  But faithful none the less!

By 2008, I was pornography free.  By 2009, we found a church.  2010 started off amazing with our new acceptance of Jesus Christ. Our marriage was flourishing.  In May 2010, Heather and I made a decision to start a family.  It was our dream to have family!  But the painful and difficult path towards that dream would rip our hearts to pieces, and would force me to question my new found Faith in the God that I had grown to trust.  How could God let us down?...let us experience so much pain?...

...tune in soon, for the whole story...

Like Children in Christ...

I've been working on a long, time consuming blog entry that just is taking longer to put into words.  But hopefully this quick illustration or visual will hold me and you over for a least a day or 2.

I've heard being "saved" or "born again" compared to a natural birth (into this world).  In the sense that we are born into this world as babies.  We need milk, we need someone to take care of us, and to carry us (ex. we can't walk).  And then we begin to crawl and then progressively  learn to walk and become more independent.

Our spiritual "re-birth" is similar in comparison.  When we are reborn spiritually, we start off as being milk-fed the Word.  We rely on our pastors...a lot.  To teach us and grow us.  Then we begin to crawl...then walk, etc.  Some Christians stay in the infancy stage of Christianity.  We just kind of wait to see what we will be "fed" next.  And trust God will just take care of us.  But we must grow up eventually to truly be transformed. We need to grow in our relationship with Him through his Word.

As I'm going through the stages of making big decisions for my life, I am reminded that I am not quite a "baby" in Christ but not yet mature either.   I'm asking for His wisdom and waiting for the "ok" from God.

I  had a mental picture of a toddler just learning to walk.  At the age where he sort of knows what he/she should be doing or not doing.  When they are in unfamiliar territory, they are walking and exploring but constantly looking back for mom and dad to make sure that what they are doing, or where they are going is right...or wrong.  They may hear a "no" which signals; stop, turn back or don't go any further.  Or they may hear, "it's ok" signaling they can keep on....keepin' on.  But sometimes they just get a a reaffirming smile or nod.  Or maybe even nothing.  But they can feel safe that they aren't doing the wrong thing.  Not yet anyway.

I'm like that with God...or I need to be like that with God...not sure right now.  I get a vision for what I want to do or what I think He wants me to do.  But I need to keep looking back at Him.  To make sure I'm "ok" or to see if He gives me a "no, not right now."

Regardless, I need to be ready for and expecting a response.  I need to be paying attention to Him.  I need to trust that He will stop me before I screw this up.  Or at least give me a reassuring nod to carry on.

Heather's Conviction...not mine, Yet

I'll pick up where I left off...but I'm gonna start flying through some moments and info.  I'm struggling between what details I should be leaving out versus which ones just have to be mentioned.  Everything I've written so far have maybe seemed like I've lived this sad, depressed, hurt filled life. I've just simply went through several trying times throughout my young life, just as I would imagine we all have.  We all have hurts and circumstances we have to go through to grow up, so to speak.  We are forced throughout our life to grow up, not just physically or emotionally...but most importantly, Spiritually.  These are my reactions, lessons learned, and responses to these events that drew me closer to God each time, until He had convinced me that I needed a personal relationship with Him.

Up until February of 2009, I had managed to stay away from my dad.  The thought of my dad filled me with anger.  I felt like he ruined my teenage years, forced me to grow up faster than a kid should, and he constantly put guilt on me.  I had un-officially cut off ties with my dad not too long after high school graduation, the summer of 2002.  But we would try and talk off and on various times scattered throughout the years between 2002-2009.  Each time it was still apparent that not only was dad still addicted to alcohol, but rumors were he was adding pills and God only knows what other illegal drugs to mix.  And to refresh memories...my dad was still putting this deadly combination of drugs and alcohol down his feeding tube.  Each time he reached out to me in those years, it always came down to: he needed a ride somewhere or he needed money.  It's so hard to see your dad killing himself, but at the same time so desperate for a ride or money.  I didn't want to help him.  But like so many families around the world...the guilt got to me and I would help enable his addiction.  I'd give him some money, just to shut him up.  It hurt to do it and I hated doing it.  But what else could I do?  Each time we reconnected it ended in an fight.

My dad used to joke he was like a cat...having 9 lives.  Nothing could kill him.  Cancer couldn't kill him.  And at one point my dad was hospitalized after ingesting so much alcohol that he nearly put himself into a coma.  The doctors were amazing he was even alive, his blood-alcohol level was so high.  He promised to stop drinking.  But the promise didn't last long.  A few years after that incident, my dad got into a fight while drunk.  A man he barely knew stabbed in multiple times and left him for dead on the side of the road.  None of the stab wounds hit his heart but his lungs were pierced numerous times.  I went to the hospital to visit him.  Knowing my dad almost died was a gut-check.  Once again, he seemed as if this event had convinced him to get his life back on track.  But like always, he fell back into drugs and alcohol.  Being homeless and not going for regular check-ups would prove to be the death of him.  He should have been going to doctors to follow up with his past cancer battle and the stabbing incident.  The lung wounds would eventually lead to respiratory problems...like infection.

In Feb. 2009, I got a phone call saying my dad was in the hospital and things didn't look good.  Apparently he had been admitted for nearly a month before us kids ever knew it.  With bad lungs, a cold turned into pneumonia.  I'm still not sure of all details. But I got a sense he wasn't doing well.  The first time I saw my dad this go-round in the hospital, I knew something was wrong.  He looked horrible, worse than previous hospital stays.  Hooked up to breathing machines and tubes.  Infection had filled his body.  Gangrene had set into his hand and arm.  His hand was completely dead, and black.  I had never seen anything like it.  The grossest thing I'd ever seen.  Even if he beat pneumonia, his hand would be amputated.  All I could think about was, how would he feed himself through his feeding tube with one hand?  When I first saw him that day, it had been at least a year or more since we talked.  But seeing his condition made me quickly forget about our past.  It broke my heart.

Since the last time I had seen or talked to my dad, a lot had happened in that couple years.  I got married (he wasn't invited to the wedding), and I had battled my own addiction.  December 2007 was the last time I watched or have seen any pornographic images! (mini celebration, as of today, it's been 4 yrs and 4 mths!).  Like I said before, after that last battle of wills Heather and I had, I was serious about never watching porn again.  But that makes it sound as if it was easy.  It was not.  Every single day for at least a couple months, I struggled with not giving into the temptation.  We went to great lengths to make sure I was "being good."  Internet/data option on our cell phones was eliminated.  At the time we didn't have a home computer, and with my old addiction, we put off getting one for quite awhile.  I had to first earn Heather's trust again.

The following spring (2008), we moved to south Charlotte. To be closer to work and family.  Heather's dad and step-mom invited us to their church, for married couples Sunday school.  I was against it.  What we were going through got Heather interested.  I didn't like the idea of going to church.  I didn't need to reminded of how bad of a husband and person I was.  That's what church was, right?, I thought.  Boy was I wrong.  The other problem I had with going to church was, it was a Church of God.  They get loud and believe weird things, I thought.  Once again...I was wrong.  I was assured we would only go to the Sunday school and that the current series was funny and entertaining.  So I was convinced to go, half-heartedly.

The series we were about to dive into was titled "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage."  I love comedy, so I figured how bad could this be?  Not only was it NOT bad, it was amazing!  I won't go into details, but if you're married...or about to me married...or a young person who will eventually get married...you need to watch it.  It's a long series.  It took a couple months I think to get through it, but it was well worth it.  I'm like an onion, in the sense that I need to be convinced in layers.  Taught in layers.  And I need someone to peel back my layers to get to my heart.  The DVD series did just that.  Week after week I was learning to communicate with my wife in a way we had never experienced.  And the series actually dived into lust and pornography a little.  Opening my eyes to a different perspective.  Over the course of the study, I made the connection that I may have stopped watch pornography for Heather's sake.  But the only way I could maintain my new freedom from pornography, or have true victory over it, was through the resurrecting power of Jesus Christ.  Now at this point, I still wasn't on board with the idea of being "saved" or "giving my life to Christ" but God had began removing the layers of my callused heart to reveal himself to me, just a little bit at a time.  I was "learning" about Jesus, but not yet ready to embrace Him fully.  We stayed a part of this married couple school class for over a year.  But only going into the actually church service once (maybe twice).  I just needed more convincing....or conviction.

Back to my dad.  That first time I visited him and saw his poor condition I was so heart-broken.  He looked awful and could just barely get words out of his mouth.  He was alert but couldn't form complete sentences. Not because of his mind, but because of his physical voice being gone.  He could write in a notebook to express himself, but you could tell it made him impatient and aggravated.  He was always an impatient man.  Quick to lose his temper.  So under these conditions, it was magnified.  Even as he laid there dying, he was agitated and filled with anger.  But their were moments when I could tell him, "I love you Dad", and he would relax and just be thankful we were in each others company.  I think he knew he wasn't gonna survive this time.  His 9 lives were up.  But at the time, I was convinced he would get through this, as always.  I would go and check up on him every few days.  Each visit was like a roller coaster ride.  One day, he was doing better...next visit, he was worse.  At one point doctors believed he would fully recover.  But then his condition starting going down hill.  It always seems that way...when things get too good, it's inevitable things will get bad soon.  It came a point where through my "learning" about God, I realized my dad needed prayer.  I didn't have it in me to pray for him (although I did privately) because I wasn't even fully convinced I needed a Savior.  So I got my father-in-law to come to the hospital and pray for him.  To give him the opportunity to accept Jesus, even though I had yet to do so myself.  My dad couldn't speak at all by this visit. But my father-in-law came in and asked him to say the prayer in his heart to himself, since he could not say it out loud.  I can't remember the exact words of the prayer...but it was a sinner's prayer, that asked for forgiveness and offered a moment for my dad to accept Jesus Christ.  After the prayer, we all opened our eyes and my dad was able to give us a "thumbs up" sign with a smile.  I was overcome with joy.  Since no actual words came from his mouth, I and everyone assumed it meant he said the prayer to himself (and to God) and meant every word.  I, myself, still wasn't convinced that there was a Heaven and Hell, but I thought that IF their was...My dad would be in Heaven soon.   The days following that visit seem like a blur in comparison.  On  March 12, 2009 we got the call that my dad had passed.  I never thought I'd lose my dad at the age of 25.  I always assumed we'd have plenty of time to repair our broken relationship.  For so many days, weeks and years before his passing, all I could think about was how he did me wrong, hurt me, let me down and ruined my life.  But since the day of his death, all I could remember was the good times.  The times when we laughed. Times he taught me things I needed to know as a man.  Just the good times, is all I could remember.  And even in the lowest part of his life....I never questioned his love for me and my sisters and my brother.  He was just a sick person, suffering through an addiction that killed him.  I still think about his last days all the time.  Praying that my dad knew exactly what was going on when he said that last prayer and knowing what he was praying and hoped that he meant every word.  Sometimes I wonder, what if he didn't mean it, what if he didn't believe it.....what if....what if...But what if he did believe, what if he did mean every word...If so, my dad is in Heaven right now! :-).  I hope he is proud of the man he helped mold (in good ways and bad ways) me into, and now that responsibility has been handed over to my new Father. Amen!

Not only did my dad's passing have profound impact on my life, but it had a convicting impact of my wife!  She had witnessed death and she couldn't help think about her own eternity.  After my dad's passing, Heather began to make subtle changes in her life. Never pushing those changes on me...but oh, how I would notice them.  Her car radio was playing Christian music now.  She never had a really foul mouth or bad language, but she cleaned her words up.  Stopped cursing completely.  And started realizing we needed a "home church."  She was convicted about us going to Sunday school at a church for over year, but never committing to the church.  Never going to a church service.  Just enjoying the benefits of our ever improving marriage, but never embracing the idea being a part of a church.  But I still wasn't quite ready for such a leap...

Our Story...Our Struggle

I'm still amazed my God's timing and His way of getting us back on the right path, no matter how hard we try to go the wrong way.  I tried the wrong path, (to me it seemed like the right path) convinced I knew what I was doing and had it all figured out.  I'd like to think I'm a little wiser now.  Now I've learned to lean more on Him, than my own understanding.  But that notion is far from what my mindset used to be...

Proverbs 3:5-6  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."


When my sisters moved out and went to live with my mom in Clover, SC, I didn't really see any silver lining or how this would be good for me.  I was only 13 at the time, but to this day I wonder why I didn't move out with them.  I mean, I would still see them every other weekend and see my mom, etc...but the grass definitely seemed greener on the other side of the fence.  My mom was remarried, they had 2 incomes, and my mom was more fun than my dad ever was.  I think the guilt of (just the idea of) leaving my dad alone was too heavy for me to lift and just say what I really wanted to say, "Hey, I wanna live with mom too."  As much as I wanted to leave with them, I just never got brave enough to say it.  I know your wondering..."So, your wife? Where does she come in this story?"  That's where it all began...when I was a 14 year old boy, starting to like girls...especially the ones who liked me back.

When my sister moved to SC, their first best friend was a curly headed, sweet, short girl named Heather Myers.  One weekend my mom and step-dad kept jokingly bringing up this "cute girl" named Heather.  As it turned out, she would be spending the night with Kelly and Lacey that same weekend.  So the moment arrived....I saw Heather for the first time, as she walked into my moms house. I was 14, she was 12.  But it was NOT love at first sight.  (Haha.  Heather doesn't like this part of "Our Story.")  She was cute, but the way they built her up, in my mind I had envisioned something different , I guess.  But by the end of the weekend, she had grown on me.  She was fun, sweet, and a little silly.  But more importantly, rumors around the house were..."Heather thinks Dusty is cute!"  The flirting began and a few months later, we were officially a "couple," by kid standards, haha.  Reality would soon set in.  She was 12 and lived in Clover, SC, and I was 14 and lived in Mt. Holly, NC.  Which meant, we rarely actually saw each other.  Nine months later, I experienced my first heart-break.  Heather dumped me.  For 5 years straight, I would not see or hear from her, and that was fine with me!

After graduating high school in 2002 and having so much freedom and independence at my grandma's, I began thinking a little more highly of myself than I should have.  I was dating a girl, but she thought it was much more serious than I did.  By this time in my life I was watching porn all the time and just living a lustful teenage life. So after dating the current girlfriend for awhile I was ready to move on. And for some reason, a girl I used to know (Heather) popped into my head.  Somehow, with my sisters help we were able to set up makeshift date with myself and Heather at the local BINGO hall (because my sisters worked there).  After seeing how she had transformed from a skinny, short 12 year old...to a hot but yet still cute lookin' 17 year old.  (I feel weird describing my wife as a "hot" 17 year old, but keep in mind, I was 19, haha).  So being a teenager in the early 2000's, I did what any boy would do....got her AOL Instant Messenger name, so we could reconnect via AIM.  The chemistry was there immediately.  We could, and would, chat for hours.  In no time at all, we were officially a "couple" again.  It just felt right from the start this time.

We began dating just before her senior year of high school and before my first year at college.  I went to a local college so I could still live with my grandma.  This time around, we had cars.  So we saw each other ever second we had available. We were always talking on the phone or hanging out. We had that "new-young love" feeling.  And we kept that "new love" feeling for way longer than I had ever experienced.  Before Heather, I had convinced myself, after living through 2 divorces as a kid, that I would either never marry or at least wait until i was 40.  Heather made me reconsider that plan and rather quickly.  I knew within the first few months of our relationship I was going to marry her someday. It was just a matter of when.

Even throughout Heather's teenage years and early 20's,  she had that perfect combination of cute and hot. She was so pure...mind, body and soul.  She has always had an innocence about her. Always the good girl.  She had, and still has, the sweetest and most genuine loving heart of any person I've ever met in my entire life.  If anything, looking back, I still carry some guilt knowing that I probably stripped away so much of that innocence.  But she was just as crazy about me as I was about her.  She had become a saved Christian when she was very young.  Although she didn't spend a lot of time in church while a teenager, she held onto those Christian values as much as she could.  We weren't perfect and we made mistakes, but we were young and in love.  We dated from the summer of 2003 through February 2006 before I finally asked her to marry me.

When we first met, 1998, (not sure who this is more embarrassing for, haha)

Started dating in 2002, Young Love

Our first "professional" pics, 2003

Looking back, I wish we just would have gotten married so much sooner.  But "the world" had convinced me that we were too young to be getting married.  Today people are waiting later and later in life to get married.  Young people today feel a need to "experience life" and "sow wild oats."  But I have had more fun and enjoyed married life more than anytime I was living the single/dating life.  By February 2006, were engaged.  I was 22 and Heather was 20.  And stayed engaged for over a year and a half, and finally getting married on September 1, 2007.  We had been a couple for 4 years, and now we were a married couple!




Sept. 1, 2007, Wedding Day

Living separately, it was easy to hide my addiction to pornography.  But within the first 90 days of our marriage, all hell broke loose.  It didn't take long for Heather to find a hidden porn DVD in our small one bedroom apartment.  She was very clear with me about her opinion of porn...it was disgusting, gross, wrong, and she considered it just as bad as cheating.  I, of course, didn't see it that way.  She threw away the DVD, but by that time I had discovered I could watch porn from the convenience of my phone.  The only thing I took from our argument was....I need to hide this stuff better.  But that argument was nothing compared to a 3-part series of fights/talks/breakdowns that would transpire afterwards.

Around November of 2007, Heather needed to use my phone one morning while I was asleep.  She was checking some banking info from my phone, but what she discovered was that I had been watching porn from my phone, and quite regularly.  After work that day we had a the first explosive emotional fight that we had ever experienced.  She was hurt, angry and filled with sadness to say the least.  She cried so much.  I didn't like the idea of not watching porn, but even more so I hated seeing her cry.  I hated myself for knowing that her tears had a direct correlation to my porn addiction.  Now, I never thought I was addicted to porn...Anyone who actively watches it, doesn't think they are.  Seeing my new wife so heart broken made it easy to promise her I would stop all pornographic activity, that night.  That very next day, is when I should have realized that I was past the point of just casually watching porn.  Not even 24 hours after seeing my wife at her lowest point in her young life....I was back on my phone, watching the very stuff that ripped her heart into pieces.  The temptation of having this lustful stronghold at my finger tips was too strong to overcome on my own.  When you are aware that something in your life, literally brings physical or emotional pain to a loved one, and you still can't stop the behavior, that should be a sign that something is wrong...in your mind!. That something or someone (a demonic stronghold...strong words I know but true) has such a tight grip on your mind that only Christ can break the chain!  I wouldn't make that connection for nearly a year.  So, 24 hours later, my wife secretly checks my phone to see if I kept true to my promise.  Of course I hadn't.  Another marathon fight ensued.  As bad as the night before was, this second night was worse.  Her hurt and anger intensified, but so did my defensiveness.  She had no right checking up on me and secretly looking through MY phone.  But her tears once again acted like a knife through my heart.  I eventually saw the pain and once again promised to abandon my lustful actions.  After that night, I really tried.  Tried so hard to not watch any pornography.  I think I did pretty good for a few days, maybe a week or 2.  I used my "humanly" strength to fight the urges for as long as I "humanly" could.  I wasn't strong enough on my own.  Before long I was back to viewing porn on my phone. I felt guilty for caving, but I got smarter about deleting internet history and covering my tracks.  For awhile anyway.

One month later, my wife was obviously still full of mistrust and insecurities.  One night in December she was able to get a hold of my phone and check the history on it. She didn't find porn.  She found an empty, freshly deleted history.  She knew what that meant. That I had deleted to history to hide something, and she knew what that something was.  She questioned me, and I admitted that I still hadn't broke the addiction.  The fight that night was like no other.  Instead of  hurt and sadness being the primary emotion, it was anger.  It was the first time she questioned our marriage.  She wanted to leave, or she wanted me out!  End of story.  The camels back had finally broken.  She wanted me away from her, out of her sight.  She wanted to get away from me, immediately.  That hurt more than any tears she shed.  The one person I loved most, wanted me gone.  She knew she couldn't stay married to a man who would rather watch porn than love her the way she needed to be loved.  Now I was the one crying.  Begging for forgiveness, when I did not deserve it. Begging her to stay. Crying that I needed her and wanted her more than  anything.  This time my promise to walk away from porn, was the sincerest it had ever been.  Being rejected by the one person who knew me and loved me most was heart wrenching.  By the grace of God, she didn't leave me that night.  I didn't know how I was gonna stop participating in something I had been a part of for nearly 15 years, but I knew I had to figure out and fast.  At this point in my life, I still hadn't discovered the power of the Resurrected King.  But He was working behind the scenes to arrange for our formal introduction!

Up to this point we had been together for 5 years (dating and married combined).  Heather remembered my dad from when we were kids, but by the time we were dating as teens, I had completely cut off all ties to my dad.  I couldn't stand to be around him.  I was an adult living my own life...and he was a homeless alcoholic.  I was done with him.  But I would be forced to see my dad once more...on his hospital death bed in March 2009.  A reality check for me and Heather...to be continued...