Our Story...Our Struggle

I'm still amazed my God's timing and His way of getting us back on the right path, no matter how hard we try to go the wrong way.  I tried the wrong path, (to me it seemed like the right path) convinced I knew what I was doing and had it all figured out.  I'd like to think I'm a little wiser now.  Now I've learned to lean more on Him, than my own understanding.  But that notion is far from what my mindset used to be...

Proverbs 3:5-6  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."


When my sisters moved out and went to live with my mom in Clover, SC, I didn't really see any silver lining or how this would be good for me.  I was only 13 at the time, but to this day I wonder why I didn't move out with them.  I mean, I would still see them every other weekend and see my mom, etc...but the grass definitely seemed greener on the other side of the fence.  My mom was remarried, they had 2 incomes, and my mom was more fun than my dad ever was.  I think the guilt of (just the idea of) leaving my dad alone was too heavy for me to lift and just say what I really wanted to say, "Hey, I wanna live with mom too."  As much as I wanted to leave with them, I just never got brave enough to say it.  I know your wondering..."So, your wife? Where does she come in this story?"  That's where it all began...when I was a 14 year old boy, starting to like girls...especially the ones who liked me back.

When my sister moved to SC, their first best friend was a curly headed, sweet, short girl named Heather Myers.  One weekend my mom and step-dad kept jokingly bringing up this "cute girl" named Heather.  As it turned out, she would be spending the night with Kelly and Lacey that same weekend.  So the moment arrived....I saw Heather for the first time, as she walked into my moms house. I was 14, she was 12.  But it was NOT love at first sight.  (Haha.  Heather doesn't like this part of "Our Story.")  She was cute, but the way they built her up, in my mind I had envisioned something different , I guess.  But by the end of the weekend, she had grown on me.  She was fun, sweet, and a little silly.  But more importantly, rumors around the house were..."Heather thinks Dusty is cute!"  The flirting began and a few months later, we were officially a "couple," by kid standards, haha.  Reality would soon set in.  She was 12 and lived in Clover, SC, and I was 14 and lived in Mt. Holly, NC.  Which meant, we rarely actually saw each other.  Nine months later, I experienced my first heart-break.  Heather dumped me.  For 5 years straight, I would not see or hear from her, and that was fine with me!

After graduating high school in 2002 and having so much freedom and independence at my grandma's, I began thinking a little more highly of myself than I should have.  I was dating a girl, but she thought it was much more serious than I did.  By this time in my life I was watching porn all the time and just living a lustful teenage life. So after dating the current girlfriend for awhile I was ready to move on. And for some reason, a girl I used to know (Heather) popped into my head.  Somehow, with my sisters help we were able to set up makeshift date with myself and Heather at the local BINGO hall (because my sisters worked there).  After seeing how she had transformed from a skinny, short 12 year old...to a hot but yet still cute lookin' 17 year old.  (I feel weird describing my wife as a "hot" 17 year old, but keep in mind, I was 19, haha).  So being a teenager in the early 2000's, I did what any boy would do....got her AOL Instant Messenger name, so we could reconnect via AIM.  The chemistry was there immediately.  We could, and would, chat for hours.  In no time at all, we were officially a "couple" again.  It just felt right from the start this time.

We began dating just before her senior year of high school and before my first year at college.  I went to a local college so I could still live with my grandma.  This time around, we had cars.  So we saw each other ever second we had available. We were always talking on the phone or hanging out. We had that "new-young love" feeling.  And we kept that "new love" feeling for way longer than I had ever experienced.  Before Heather, I had convinced myself, after living through 2 divorces as a kid, that I would either never marry or at least wait until i was 40.  Heather made me reconsider that plan and rather quickly.  I knew within the first few months of our relationship I was going to marry her someday. It was just a matter of when.

Even throughout Heather's teenage years and early 20's,  she had that perfect combination of cute and hot. She was so pure...mind, body and soul.  She has always had an innocence about her. Always the good girl.  She had, and still has, the sweetest and most genuine loving heart of any person I've ever met in my entire life.  If anything, looking back, I still carry some guilt knowing that I probably stripped away so much of that innocence.  But she was just as crazy about me as I was about her.  She had become a saved Christian when she was very young.  Although she didn't spend a lot of time in church while a teenager, she held onto those Christian values as much as she could.  We weren't perfect and we made mistakes, but we were young and in love.  We dated from the summer of 2003 through February 2006 before I finally asked her to marry me.

When we first met, 1998, (not sure who this is more embarrassing for, haha)

Started dating in 2002, Young Love

Our first "professional" pics, 2003

Looking back, I wish we just would have gotten married so much sooner.  But "the world" had convinced me that we were too young to be getting married.  Today people are waiting later and later in life to get married.  Young people today feel a need to "experience life" and "sow wild oats."  But I have had more fun and enjoyed married life more than anytime I was living the single/dating life.  By February 2006, were engaged.  I was 22 and Heather was 20.  And stayed engaged for over a year and a half, and finally getting married on September 1, 2007.  We had been a couple for 4 years, and now we were a married couple!




Sept. 1, 2007, Wedding Day

Living separately, it was easy to hide my addiction to pornography.  But within the first 90 days of our marriage, all hell broke loose.  It didn't take long for Heather to find a hidden porn DVD in our small one bedroom apartment.  She was very clear with me about her opinion of porn...it was disgusting, gross, wrong, and she considered it just as bad as cheating.  I, of course, didn't see it that way.  She threw away the DVD, but by that time I had discovered I could watch porn from the convenience of my phone.  The only thing I took from our argument was....I need to hide this stuff better.  But that argument was nothing compared to a 3-part series of fights/talks/breakdowns that would transpire afterwards.

Around November of 2007, Heather needed to use my phone one morning while I was asleep.  She was checking some banking info from my phone, but what she discovered was that I had been watching porn from my phone, and quite regularly.  After work that day we had a the first explosive emotional fight that we had ever experienced.  She was hurt, angry and filled with sadness to say the least.  She cried so much.  I didn't like the idea of not watching porn, but even more so I hated seeing her cry.  I hated myself for knowing that her tears had a direct correlation to my porn addiction.  Now, I never thought I was addicted to porn...Anyone who actively watches it, doesn't think they are.  Seeing my new wife so heart broken made it easy to promise her I would stop all pornographic activity, that night.  That very next day, is when I should have realized that I was past the point of just casually watching porn.  Not even 24 hours after seeing my wife at her lowest point in her young life....I was back on my phone, watching the very stuff that ripped her heart into pieces.  The temptation of having this lustful stronghold at my finger tips was too strong to overcome on my own.  When you are aware that something in your life, literally brings physical or emotional pain to a loved one, and you still can't stop the behavior, that should be a sign that something is wrong...in your mind!. That something or someone (a demonic stronghold...strong words I know but true) has such a tight grip on your mind that only Christ can break the chain!  I wouldn't make that connection for nearly a year.  So, 24 hours later, my wife secretly checks my phone to see if I kept true to my promise.  Of course I hadn't.  Another marathon fight ensued.  As bad as the night before was, this second night was worse.  Her hurt and anger intensified, but so did my defensiveness.  She had no right checking up on me and secretly looking through MY phone.  But her tears once again acted like a knife through my heart.  I eventually saw the pain and once again promised to abandon my lustful actions.  After that night, I really tried.  Tried so hard to not watch any pornography.  I think I did pretty good for a few days, maybe a week or 2.  I used my "humanly" strength to fight the urges for as long as I "humanly" could.  I wasn't strong enough on my own.  Before long I was back to viewing porn on my phone. I felt guilty for caving, but I got smarter about deleting internet history and covering my tracks.  For awhile anyway.

One month later, my wife was obviously still full of mistrust and insecurities.  One night in December she was able to get a hold of my phone and check the history on it. She didn't find porn.  She found an empty, freshly deleted history.  She knew what that meant. That I had deleted to history to hide something, and she knew what that something was.  She questioned me, and I admitted that I still hadn't broke the addiction.  The fight that night was like no other.  Instead of  hurt and sadness being the primary emotion, it was anger.  It was the first time she questioned our marriage.  She wanted to leave, or she wanted me out!  End of story.  The camels back had finally broken.  She wanted me away from her, out of her sight.  She wanted to get away from me, immediately.  That hurt more than any tears she shed.  The one person I loved most, wanted me gone.  She knew she couldn't stay married to a man who would rather watch porn than love her the way she needed to be loved.  Now I was the one crying.  Begging for forgiveness, when I did not deserve it. Begging her to stay. Crying that I needed her and wanted her more than  anything.  This time my promise to walk away from porn, was the sincerest it had ever been.  Being rejected by the one person who knew me and loved me most was heart wrenching.  By the grace of God, she didn't leave me that night.  I didn't know how I was gonna stop participating in something I had been a part of for nearly 15 years, but I knew I had to figure out and fast.  At this point in my life, I still hadn't discovered the power of the Resurrected King.  But He was working behind the scenes to arrange for our formal introduction!

Up to this point we had been together for 5 years (dating and married combined).  Heather remembered my dad from when we were kids, but by the time we were dating as teens, I had completely cut off all ties to my dad.  I couldn't stand to be around him.  I was an adult living my own life...and he was a homeless alcoholic.  I was done with him.  But I would be forced to see my dad once more...on his hospital death bed in March 2009.  A reality check for me and Heather...to be continued...