Love, Daddy

Dear Faith,

Hey baby girl.  You're way too young to even think about reading this letter, but you're 6 months old today, and just thought you should know, it's a pretty big deal...well it is to me and your mommy anyway.



Just a few nights ago, as Mommy finished changing your diaper and getting you into your ever-increasing-in-size-night-time-onsie, we were playing a little game of, "I'm gonna get ya."  Mommy was holding you and trying to "protect" you from me...because I was determined to "get ya" and tickle you, and make you laugh that sweet laugh you have, that can brighten up anyone even on their worst day.  But it was bedtime (as Mommy reminded me) so I had to ease up and let her finish getting you ready for bed.  As I stood by watching you be prepped for bed I said to Mommy, "It's weird...I really can't believe...or remember when it was just you and me in this house."  See Faith, it feels like you've been here with us forever, but yet at the same time it feels like you were only born yesterday!



In reality, you were born exactly 6 months ago.  And that 6 months has came and went so fast.  Looking back at the hundreds of pictures we've taken of you, it's easy to see how much you've grown and changed.  Seems like yesterday, you were sleeping...A LOT.  You were asleep more than you were awake, which was pretty convenient for Mommy, because she would hold you and let you sleep on her all day.  Literally, all day.  I loved holding you too, but I'm like most daddies...I could not wait for you to get more "interactive!"  And guess what?  Now you're very interactive!

Now that you're 6 months old, we are experiencing all kinds of new things, almost daily.  You, like most babies, struggled with sitting up without the help of your "bumbo" seat.  But all of the sudden, a couple weeks ago you totally mastered the art of sitting up without assistance.  It's true that you still occasionally seem a little "tipsy" and sort of slowly tip over...but that just makes you smile and giggle...so it's all good.

 



Speaking of giggles.  Within the first few nights of your birth, you would have these little half-smiles, but only in your sleep.  What a week-old-baby dreams about is beyond my comprehension, but it made Mommy and Daddy smile, and that's all that mattered.  It took a month or so before Mommy and Daddy could make you smile (while you were awake), which is surprising considering we naturally look kind of funny.  Seemed like your smile got bigger and bigger each day.  Once again, very surprising...because smiles should only get so big.  To be the relatively small baby that you are, you have the biggest smile.  Pound for pound...you have the biggest smile in the world!  See what you've done to me?  Already, I'm an overly proud Daddy.

But back to those giggles.  It didn't take long for that giant smile to burst into laughter.  First it was mild laughter, then within days turned to outbursts of chuckles.  Literally the cutest and sweetest sound on this planet.  Yes, true, all baby laughs are cute but your laughs are different.  I'm convinced that baby laughs are at just the right frequency to reach any ear, but only Mommy and Daddys heart.

 

Your smile and laugh is enough to make any Mommy and Daddy feel so blessed to have such an amazing baby girl.  But what reminds us of how blessed we are is how geniunely happy you are...all the time.  Between your grandparents and aunts and uncles and your church family...No one has ever seen you cry!  They all say the same thing, "She is such a happy baby!"  Even total strangers out in public make the same comment.  I'm pretty sure people think we lying when we confirm that you are always happy and never cry.  But it's true!  You may have a moment of discomfort or irritaion and let out a whimper here and there.

 



Me and Mommy are the only ones who have seen you actually cry.  And out of the (maybe) 6 times you cried, 4 of those were because of the mean ol' doctors poking you with needles.  And let's face it, Me and Mommy cried too.  I think when the whole family cries at the same time, it should cancel all our cries out...so it's like we never cried at all.  But that's all behind us for now, and the only thing that makes you moody is when I try to get a jacket over your long sleeve shirt.  Is it too much to ask that you cooperate a little and straighten your arm and make a fist?  I'm paranoid that I'm going to pull your hand through the jacket sleeve and it will be missing that tiny pinky that I'm completely wrapped around.

Basically, what I'm saying to you Faith is...the last 6 months you have changed Mommy and Daddys' lives.  You've made us happier that you may ever know.  You make us laugh and smile more and more every day.  Each day we think; we can't possibly love you anymore...but then tomorrow comes and we love you even more!  On a daily basis we thank God for you.  God answered our prayers and blessed us beyond our comprehension when He "fearfully and wonderfully made" you!

Happy 6 Months! I love you!

Love,
Daddy

 



Bittersweet

Today is such a bittersweet day. I think people overuse the word 'bittersweet.' I probably overuse it. When we overuse words it seems to take the meaning of that word and just water it down. 'Bittersweet' just seems like the perfect word to describe babies and kids, particularly when talking about how they are constantly growing and changing. It's bittersweet to see your newborn baby get bigger and bigger every hour. As they learn new things and do new things we're filled with love and joy...it's just so sweet. But then you quickly realize, they won't ever go back to being the way they were the day before...and that's painful...bitter.

To feel bittersweet is to experience pain and joy at the same time or, at least, experiencing those 2 emotions very very close together. The more Faith starts to do, the more we realize that she's getting bigger and stronger and smarter every day. And that's amazing to watch! We realize she won't be a baby forever. You hear moms talking about this a lot. They want their babies to stay babies forever. (Dads usually want them to hurry up and get bigger so we can play with them, haha). Watching your baby grow is bittersweet.

But today I'm feeling bittersweet for another reason. Today is the day my wife has been dreading for 12 weeks. She went back work today. We were so lucky and blessed that she was able to take an additional 4 weeks, above the 8 weeks she was allotted after having a c-section. But after Faith was only a couple weeks old my wife started the mental countdown until this dreaded day.

I barely got a whole week off from work after Faith was born. And as dads, that seems to be the norm. But it's easier for us. And I think the reason is because know our wives are fully capable of taking care of our children. Moms have this instinct to know what to do and when to do it almost immediately. It takes dads awhile, especially with the first baby. That gives us dads confidence and reassurance that while we're off at work, everything is under control at home. All is right in the universe.

If my wife had gone back to work after 1 week and I was left in charge of taking care of a baby...I'd be a nervous wreck. I'd be stressed and scared and afraid. I'm pretty sure moms get 6-8 weeks off after having a baby just to train up us dads. We need at least that many weeks to start feeling comfortable with being left alone with a baby for long periods of time.

I've spent 12 weeks watching my wife be a mom and observing how she does things and why she does it. It all comes so natural. I have to ask 100 questions...does Faith need socks today?, long sleeve or short sleeve?, should I change her diaper now or later?, where's the bibs?, where's a burp cloth?, where's the wipes?, does she need diaper rash cream on?...I have never ending list of questions. I have to think about every move. But moms just react. They just do. They are amazing.

See, we are just not in a position in which my wife could be a stay at home mom right away. We wanted to be. And we plan to be sooner, rather than later...but...Reality is, a lot of us just can't. But luckily we are in a position so that at least one us could work part time, so that one of us could spend as much time with our baby as possible. That one person happened to be me. I get the opportunity and blessings of being a part time employee and a part time dad. (Being a parent is a full time job, no matter how you look at it!). And that is the sweetest thing ever.

But what's so painful and bitter is watching my wife the past few days. To say she has been emotional is an understatement. And rightfully so. Mommy and Faith have been separated rarely since birth. We had 3 date nights with no baby, in 12 weeks. They were only separated for a maximum of maybe 3-4 hours. So today will be tough day. As tough as my day might be trying to figure out all this baby stuff on my own...I know her day will be so much tougher.

I can't help but think of Jesus' disciples. They had gotten to walk and talk with Jesus for 3 years. Got to see him and touch him and literally walk with him and listen to him. Then they learned that after this short amount of time with him, that he'd be taken and put to death. But Jesus said that it was better for them (and us) that he leave, because the Holy Spirit would then come. Talk about bittersweet. Their teacher and friend was about to be beaten and crucified. BUT then the Holy Spirit would come and give them the same power and authority that Jesus had!

I can imagine, somewhat, how they felt. That bittersweet feeling. I feel bittersweet. I'm so happy that I get to spend more time with Faith. I'm so lucky. A lot of dads don't get as much time as I will be getting. I've taken for granted all that my wife does for Faith and around the house. She is an amazing mom. She was born to be a mom. Some people are gifted musicians, some are gifted writers, etc...but my wife's gift is being a mom. And that's exactly what makes it even harder for the both of us.

...It's just so very bittersweet

So God Loves Me That Much?

I'll try and keep this third part short and sweet. No need to complicate and over explain something that is so simple. We tend to do that when God wants to show us something or tell us something.

...Once everything settled down at the hospital, and all the family and friends went back to work, we were left alone in a hospital room as one happy family. Just letting it all sink in. The middle part of that second day at the hospital it was just us; me, mommy, and baby. With visitors in and out, and then nurses in and out, it was rare that the 3 of us were left alone. But I remember that moment when everything lined up just right. No family, no friends, no nurse, and no doctors. I figure God was there with us the entire time, but He was waiting until He had my full attention.

Hospital beds aren't the best place to cuddle up with a family of 3, but under the circumstances we didn't have much of a choice. I just wanted to climb in the bed with my wife and baby , and just be together. Close together. All wrapped up in each other arms together. Heather painfully tried to scoot over to make some room. She already had Faith in her arms. It was that way most of the time. But I managed to squeeze myself in the bed with them. Ahhhhh.

The 3 of us just sat there in silence. Me and Heather both staring at Faith, while she dreamed peacefully. Within seconds of soaking up that feeling...that overwhelming feeling of love for one person who had just been born the day before...tears began to roll out of the corners of my eyes and down my cheeks. I've never loved anything or anyone the way I felt for this tiny baby girl. Forever, she is part of me. Forever, I'll love her no matter what. Forever, she will be mine. My heart, in that moment, was overflowing with love. It was finally sinking in....I was a father!

Heather could feel the emotion I guess. She was in such a position where she had to turn her head around to see the tears streaming down my face. Then she cried. Both of us overwhelmed with love.

Then it all hit me...I finally understood...

This is how much God loves me (maybe more). This is the kind of love that God has for me. I finally felt what fatherly love feels like. What it feels like to love your child. Instead of just accepting the idea that God loved me, now I could see so clearly the love He must have for me.

Before that moment, I had always heard, "God loves you, God loves you, God loves you," over and over. After a while I'm like, "ok, ok, I got it...He loves me, oh He loves me so..."

A huge part of Christianity is coming to the realization that "God SO loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son."

The only love I had to compare it to, was the love I had for my wife. And quite frankly, it weirded me out to think God might love me like a love my wife! So, I just put the idea of God loving me in a box. In that box of things you just don't understand. I've never questioned whether God truly loved me or not, but I just couldn't wrap my head around what that meant or looked like.

Now, I know. Or at least I have a pretty good idea of what fatherly love is. It's the kind of love that celebrated like crazy when your child is born. It's love that cries happy tears. It's love that forgives. It's love that sees only the best in their children. It's love that feels good knowing your child needs you. It's a love that's like no other. And apparently that's the same way God loves me!

I want to be a father to my new baby girl, like my Heavenly Father is to me. I'l probably fall way short of that, but that's my goal.  I'll lean on Him for wisdom in those moments when I'm not sure what to do or say.  But most importantly, I'll just chose to love her, no matter what.

And now that I can almost wrap my head around what it feels like to be a father and love my daughter in that way...I can't wait to see what she will teach me.  I want to re-learn that childlike love.  I want to be able to love my Father, like Faith will love me.

Emotional Limbo

When I said, "...And my heart would be melted and changed forever," I meant every word. Every parent has a story, an emotion, or experience they can describe about becoming a parent for the first time. But even when you start the story or begin to describe that moment, no words seem to do it justice.

The best way I know to describe that moment when you become a first-time parent is...INDESCRIBABLE.

At 7:03am on July 30th, my life changed forever. Most people would say, "duh, you're a father now...duh, you got a baby to take care of...duh, you're gonna be changing diapers, a lot...duh, you won't sleep, ever." And all those things would be true, oh so true...

But that's not what really changed, or should I say, that wasn't the major change that took place.

Once I heard that first cry, for the first time, I was torn between being concerned & focused for my wife's safety and health, and being overly concerned and focused for this tiny little girl whom I've never actually seen in person or even held in my arms. It's a very odd feeling...a very confusing feeling. I've loved and gotten to know my wife for 9 years. We developed such a strong love for one another that it became second nature to be more concerned with her than with any other person on the planet. It's second nature for me to feel her pain and protect her. From 6:55am-7:03am my wife was laying on an operating table being cut open. A major surgery, to say the least. I was scared, because she was scared. I was worried, because she was worried. Despite her being completely numb with medicines, I could feel her pain. 8 minutes of being completely devoted to her every need. But there really wasn't anything I could give her during that time, except my presence, and my love, and my reassurance, and my hand. At 7:03am, for the first time ever, I felt like someone else needed me, and my undivided attention.

After that first cry, they took Faith and moved her to a warm bed that was literally 8 feet away from the operating table, but it might as well have been on the other side of the planet. I was in emotional limbo...

The doctors had to take Faith to the other side of the room to clean her, check her, weigh her and measure her. And her cries sounded like she was begging to be comforted by her parents. Heather couldn't move, so I had to. I had to be there for her. I couldn't bare the thought of leaving Heather lying on a operating table, but Faith needed me too.

I just sort of stumbled from the left side of room to the right side of the room. "baby, are you ok?," I'd ask Heather. Then back to Faith to check on her. Then back to Heather. And back to Faith. Back and forth. Seemed like eternity. Probably lasted 15 minutes. I really have no idea. However long it took to get a baby ready and to stitch up Heather...seemed like hours. I couldn't escape that "limbo" feeling. Not knowing who needed me more, not knowing whom I should be closest too, and just feelings of being torn in 2 different directions.

I've spent 9 years falling in love with Heather. I've been conditioned to run to her in time of need, or in time of hurt, pain, etc. But that feeling became instinctual in an instant when I heard Faiths cry for the first time.

After they had finally wrapped Faith's 5lb 11oz body up in blankets, I was able to carry her to Heather. It seemed like forever since they had separated mother and daughter from each other. But as soon as both were ready, they were reunited.

That was the second "issue" Heather had with having a c-section. We'd heard and even been told that it could be a minimum of a couple of hours before Heather could hold Faith. She would have to recover from not only the surgery, but from the drugs as well. But before the doctors and nurses could even roll us out of the OR, there they were...together...Faith was wrapped up in mommy's arms.

Turned out that the "second issue" never was an issue. Heather got to hold our precious baby girl sooner than we both had imagined.

The next few hours were just an overwhelming blur. We were exhausted, yet excited. A really odd, conflicting, yet surreal feeling. "Issue #3" was fast approaching.

Heather had been dead set on breast feeding Faith from day one. She worried that the c-section would hinder that experience, delay it, or possibly prevent her from breast feeding. It's all still a blur as to how that first attempt at breast feeding went. Faith did pretty well with a little assistance. They brought in the pump machine and gave us the run down. Heather pumped that first time for 15-20 minutes, and immediately we were depressed by the results. Must have been a tablespoon full only. We were sitting in the room alone, sulking over these few drops of "liquid gold." When the nurse came back in, we showed her the results and to our surprise we got what we thought was a pity party. But the nurse was so overly excited. "Wow, good job mommy!" she said. "That's amazing for the first time". Really? We were so confused but our spirits had been lifted. Sure enough, each time on the pump produced more and more! By the second day, Heather was being labeled an "over-producer!"

So if you're keeping count...all of our fears, worries, and anxieties about having a c-section had been put to rest. Praise God!

But God had something else to show me through this experience. He had something in store for me that would be so eye-opening that it would change my life, my Christian walk, and my heart forever. Once the dust had settled, and the excitement and visitors calmed down...God settled me down. Me, Heather, and Faith were finally all alone. I can't say He spoke to me audibly, but He showed me something that I could never wrap my head around before becoming a father...

...more to come...

So...We Had a Baby

Sooo, our laptop decided to die. And now I get to try blogging from my phone. We shall see... But I'd be lying of I said that was the only reason I haven't blogged in several weeks. The main reason actually is because we had ourselves a BABY!

I know this news doesn't come as a surprise to most of our family and friends, but Faith Briellah Goddard has arrived!

She decided to bless us with her very presence on July 30th @ 7:03am. She's been with us for nearly 7 weeks now and time has flown by. Before I get to the good stuff though I want to go back and talk about those few weeks and hours before she was born.

As we got further into the 3rd trimester it became evident that Faith was breached and it seemed things were going to be "interesting" to say the least. Heather, particularly, was not very excited about this news. A breached baby meant we might be having a C-section. And a possible C-section brought on a host of issues that Heather and I hoped to avoid.

First issue...Heather was depressed by the idea that after the surgery she wouldn't get to hold Fairh for a few hours while she was recovering. She couldn't even bare the thought of not getting to hold our miracle baby immediately upon birth. And who could blame her? She carried this beautiful baby inside of her for nearly 9 months, and the reward would be holding her for the first time.

Second issue...after a little research, we learned that mothers have a difficult time breast feeding after a c-section. I guess that natural birth sort of jump starts everything (I have no idea what I'm talking about, just assuming). Regardless, Heather knew she wanted to breast feed and knowing it might be harder after a c-section gave her even more incentive to do whatever necessary to have a natural birth.

Third issue...despite Heather being a huge "planner" she hated the idea of planning our daughter's birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise. She didn't want to miss out on the water breakage and the excitement of having a baby at any give moment. Crazy, I know, haha!

As our due date got closer, it became obvious we had a decision to make about the c-section. Either schedule the c-section, or opt to have a procedure (a painful one, apparently) to have Faith manually flipped from the outside of Heather's stomach. Lots of pushing and pulling. They gave us until July 30th to decide.

We prayed so hard that Faith would flip over on her own. Had a whole slew of friends and family praying as well. July 29 was a Sunday. I remember this specifically because we went forward to the alter at church to receive more prayer for Faith to flip. We had basically agreed that if she hadn't flipped by the next day, we would try the procedure. Anything to avoid the c-section. But what happened within the next 24 hours, once again proved that God's timing and plans for us are bigger and better than we can sometimes imagine!

After church that Sunday Heather almost begged me to go to the pool with her. "It might be my last chance to lay out and enjoy the pool before we have a baby," she said. So, we went to the pool.

The weekend prior, Heather was in super-nesting mode. She had a list of things that needed to be done and nothing was going to stop her. She had packed her hospital bags, but I was slacking. I hadn't packed or washed a stitch of clothing. That Sunday, I finally did. As of bedtime, on July 29th, we were ready for a baby. Little did we know, it was our last day as a couple...last day of just the two of us...

Monday morning, July 30th, at roughly 3am Heather woke me up with excitement, but a hint of anxiety..."baby, I think my water broke!", she said. Half asleep I think managed the word, "huh!?". She wasn't 100% sure it was her water breaking because she had woken to use the bathroom and had began feeling contractions. She had read and convinced herself that she had just passed the "mucus plug".

Once again, I was half asleep and had never heard the term "mucus plug". She sort reassured me that it was the beginning stages of birth but not necessarily her water breaking. We were "googling" all this in bed, half asleep. Somehow, we got to the point where we decided to just go back to sleep and simply tell the doctor at our 10am appointment. But Faith had a different plan that was already set into motion...

At roughly 3:30am, I was woke once more..."baby, ok, so I think my water definitely broke this time!". We popped out of bed. Heather went to the toilet to "chill"...for lack of a better term. And I called the overnight doctors line. They said a nurse would call us back shortly. Sure enough, a nurse called and gave us our instructions. "Get showered and cleaned up and bags packed, just in case. No need to rush, but go ahead and head to the hospital so they can see if you need to be admitted."

We got to the hospital at about 5am. We waited until we were almost there to call our parents and siblings. We figured, we had several hours before anything would actually happen. Once we arrived it was pretty clear that Heather's water did break and we were going to be having a baby soon, we just didn't realize how soon. We had to tell the nurses that Faith might still be breached. So they had a midwife come in to check. By 6am, parents had arrived and it was confirmed that we were having ourselves a c-section, whether we liked it or not. And not only were we having one, we were having it ASAP.

One of the 3 "issues" with having a c-section was not wanting to plan Faith's birthday. Mark that off the list. It definitely wasn't scheduled.

We basically had no time to process everything, and had no choice. Faith was breached and she had to come via c-section and it had to be done now.

After Heather's anesthesia and surgery prep, we were ready, or ready as we could be.

They called me in the OR at 6:55am...at 7:03am...I heard Faith's first cry. And my heart would be melted and changed forever.

...to be continued...

Manipulation

Websters Dictionary says manipulate means...to change by artful or unfair means as to serve one's purpose.

Manipulation is an act of selfishness...pure and simple.  We all manipulate people and situations through out our lives.  Usually not in destructive way (I hope).  Like when I really want something, or when I want it my way.  I subconsciously use small degrees of manipulation.  For instance, when I really want to watch a certain movie that my wife doesn't, so I'm quick to remind her that she picked the movie last and that it was a horrible movie and I didn't even want to watch that movie, but I did anyway, etc.  Or I go out of my way to butter my wife up in preparation for something I want.  I might clean the house or be extra nice for a day or two, so that when the time comes that I want to ask for something I can remind her of all that I've done for her.  You get the drift.

But manipulation can quickly get out of hand... especially once we realize it works.  We know who we can manipulate and to what degree.  In my marriage, it's usually light-hearted manipulating, but many people in all types of relationship start taking it to a destructive level.  Usually manipulation involves Guilt.  We've all either used it or been a victim of it.

In our most recent Mens Bible Study at church, our current study dove into the topic of "Character", in which the topic manipulation came up.  We are in Pastor Robert Morris series called, "Dream to Destiny."  (Excellent series by the way).  The teachings are taken out of Genesis and the story of Joseph.  When Joseph was in prison after being wrongfully accused of sleeping with Potiphar's wife.  He interpretted the dreams of two prisoners (the chief butler and chief baker of Pharaoh). The bakers dream had been interpreted by Joseph, that the baker would die.  But the butler's dream was, that in 3 days the butler would be back in favor with Pharaoh and out of prison.  What was interesting is that although the Bible repeatedly says, God had "been with" Joseph, and had given Joseph a clear destiny...He still felt the need to tell the butler to remember him when he was with back to Pharaoh.  It's easy to see why.  We'd probably all do the same thing, right? He wanted out of prison.  He "dropped a hint" to the butler; "he when you get out...remember me so I can get out too.  If  Joseph really believed in the dream/destiny God had given him, and truly trusted and had faith in God to fulfill his destiny why would he need to manipulate the situation and "drop hints"?  Maybe if he had just interpreted the dream and kept quiet, then maybe the butler would have remembered him and maybe Joseph would have gotten out sooner..who knows?  But one thing is for sure, and I quote Pastor Robert Morris, "God does not reward manipulation."

Joseph was looking out for himself.  Joseph tried to manipulate the process that God was taking him through to grow/strengthen his character.  Turns out, the butler didn't remember Joseph once he got out of prison.  Well, eventually he did....2 years later.  But maybe God used that 2 years to really develop Joseph a little more, because God clearly did not reward the manipulation.

Jesus said in John 16:33 that, "In the world, you will have tribulation..."  We will all go through trials and trubulations on this earth.  But those trials and tribulations are what develop our character and get us ready to eventually step into God's purpose for our life.  We don't have to manipulate anyone or any situation...especially God.

Manipulation is selfishness.  The Bible doesn't have anything to good to say about selfishness. In  2 Timothy 3:1-5, it talks about being lovers of selves.   And it lists a bunch of other not-so-great things along side it...like proud, arrogant, unholy, ungratefulness and heartless just to name a few.  But the first thing mentioned is selfishness.  And manipulation comes out of selfishness.  We're al taught to look out for ourselves, and that you have to promote yourself.  But the Bible never teaches self-promotion, that I know of.

Sometimes we're not even aware of when or how often we manipulate people, or circumstances.  But God will bring us through trials and tribulations to try and bring those shortcomings to our attention for correction, and growth...to build up our character.  Romans 5:3-5 says, "and not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character hope.  Perseverance through tribulation produces character.  So if we know we are going to go through tribulation, and we know it is to produce character....the Bible says we should "glory" in tribulation.  Because when we go through any particular tribulation, we are being grown up in His ways.

My wife and I put on a excellent display of manipulation when it came to trying to have a baby.  We were impatience and manipulative.  Obviously we didn't see it at the time.  But we were.  We knew it was our time to have a baby and get pregnant.  We weren't purposely trying to manipulate anyone or any circumstance...but that's what we did.  We had a vision, a promise, that we were going to have a family...and soon.  But when things didn't work out as fast, and couple that with our complications (for more info read older posts titled, M-word) we were willing to try anything...medicines, procedures, whatever was needed to get things moving.  I think back if we had just started trying to get pregnant, naturally, in June of 2010, without trying to manipulate the  process or the circumstance....maybe we would have already had a baby and be getting ready for a 2nd...who knows....well God knows, I guess.  But God had a plan for us, and whether we realized it at the time, or not...we were trying to manipulate the circumstances into our favor.

We took the circumstance of, not getting pregnant into our own hands.  We figured God wanted us to have children...so we are just speeding up the process.  I'm definitely not undermining the fact that many people do need help getting pregnant for one reason or the other...and I've seen that God can use todays doctors and advancements in technologies to help get people pregnant when all hope was lost.  I'm just using my story for reference here.

In the Bible, tribulations last years and years in some instances.  Joseph was in prison for 2 years.  Moses was in the desert for 40 years, etc.  Seems that how we respond to those trials and tribulations is what determines how long they last.  Do we take the time to figure out, why we are going through them, or more importantly, what God is trying to show us, or change in us?  But manipulation will only extend those hard times.

Once we surrendered our own agenda for getting pregnant to God, He moved fairly quickly.  God was trying so hard to open our eyes and to really put our trust in Him, and not just say we trust Him.  I truly believe that.  It took almost a year and a half for us to realize it, though.  To truly trust Him and His timing.  I'm not going to pretend to have a special formula for getting what God has promised you and how to speed up the process.  But once we got in tune with what God was teaching us...how he was growing us....how he was building our character to better use us for His good....things started shifting rather quickly.  Things started working out for our good....in our favor!  And our life has never, and will never, be the same.

Maybe you're in the middle of a trial or time of tribulation.  What is God trying to open your eyes to and/or what is He trying to show you?  Instead of blaming circumstances or others for the position your in...ask God, the Holy Spirit, to show you what needs to be changed in you, what needs to be grown or matured in your character.  God didn't put you in a trial...We often put ourselves into those "pits" or trials.  The Bible says we are going to experience trial and tribulation as long as we are on this earth.  But that we should rejoice in those times because He will use them to grow us closer to Him and better equip us to do what he has designed us to do.  Trials are going to come to all of us...it's our response to those trials that will decide how long we stay in them.  Be quick to listen to the Holy Spirit and to stay in the Word so that we can be delivered through the tribulation...not out of the tribulation.  Don't depend on yourself to get out of tough times.  Trust in God to pick you back up and dust you off.  The world (America) projects an idea that we can do anything that we put our mind too.  But in reality we can do anything through Jesus Christ.  Our flesh will always fall short.

There is no need in trying to manipulate our circumstances or the people around us to get what we want.  If manipulation is the tool your using to get out of trials and tribulations....good luck.  If you know you're a manipulater....stop...ask for God's help, for the Holy Spirits guidance.  God has big plans for you, bigger than you can probably imagine, but you need to grow up first, spiritually speaking (but not limited to mentally, emotionally etc.)...maybe your character needs some fine tuning.

Whats scarier are those that can't see they are manipulaters.  They stay in this viscous cycle of unhappiness and unfulfilledness, and maybe even depression, when the manipulation stops working.  Maybe they start feeling like no one cares about them or no one likes them...or even worse that maybe God doesn't care about them.  That couldn't be further from the truth!  If you've been in a "pit" or a trial for what seems like forever....take a look at your own heart first.  Maybe there is something in your character that needs to be matured.  I'm not talking about flesh immaturity...but not leaving it out either.  The Holy Spirit is probably trying to show you something...trying to grow you in one area or another.  Listen.  Read God's Word.  God does not reward manipulation and selfishness.  Through prayer, ask God to reveal to you in what areas you are being selfish or using manipulation.  Some of us have been in pits for a few months...some for years...some for many years.  But in that time have you changed? Have you grown?  Have you even taken a look at our self/yourself and seen what in your heart needed to be changed for God's glory?  It's so easy in American society to point the finger at someone else, or to pass the blame and never take responsibility for  ourselves.  But there's a reason you're in a pit.  (And it's not because God put you in one).  It's up to you how long you stay in the pit.  God can pick you up and dust you off in a second, but he's more interested in growing you closer to Him, and prepareing you for what He has called you to do for His kingdom.  God won't let you step into your dream or destiny until you're ready for it.

Remember God doesn't need you/me to fulfill His plans...His story.  But he'd give anything (and He did... His son, Jesus) to prepare us for what He has designed us to do.  He wants us to grow, in Him.  He wants to use us to expand his kingdom...when we're ready to allow Him to use us...when we're ready to put our selfishness aside and stop manipulating people and circumstances to get what He has promised us.  We have a part to play in our relationship with God....Believe in Him, Trust in Him, Spend time with Him...and Listen to Him.

...Distractions

Why did I even start this blog?  I had to remind myself of that recently.  It wasn't just for fun. It wasn't because I thought I had something profound to say.  It wasn't for anyone in particular.  I wanted to do it for me.

I've always enjoyed writing, and I'm not sure why.  After high school I really wanted to be a journalist....specifically a sportswriter.  I didn't finish college, but while I was there I took as many journalism classes as I could.  They were the only classes I actually enjoyed, by far.  I got a part-time job/paid internship at a local newspaper.  Not actually writing anything but I thought it was so cool to be working at real newspaper!  I'd answer phones, and enter stats and scores in the "scoreboard" section.  It was fun, for awhile, but I started getting bored with it.  I had to go in after classes and work up until the deadline which was anywhere from 10:30pm-11:30pm, depending on the day.  So I was mostly just working in a cubicle environment with night editors.  The people I worked with (maybe 3-6 editors) seemed...depressed.  Not that they were actually depressed, but they didn't seem happy doing their job.  It began to wear me down after a few months.  I came in passionate about journalism and writing, and seeing the people "in the business" be so unhappy just sucked all my passion out of me.  I was like, "so this is what it's really like?"  Now maybe the reporters, journalists, and people actually doing the writing were much happier...I didn't know.  But all I knew was, I didn't wanna be like the "people who worked at a newspaper."  I was at a crossroads.  My college didn't offer journalism as a major, and the things they did offer didn't really interest me.  Combine that with my new outlook on journalism, and I was done.  Whatever I did in life...I just wanted it to make me happy.  To be excited about my future.  So I quit my job at the newspaper, and dropped out of college.

That probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but here I am....writing a blog.  Ever since those days of college and the newspaper job, I've been wanting to write...about anything...just wanted to write.  Someone at my church said to me last year, "why don't you start a blog?"  Then I said to myself, "why not, but what would I write about?"  Quickly it was brought up that maybe I should write about being a first time dad.  For weeks, I thought about the possibilities...what should I title the blog, how often should I write, how specific or vague should I be?  The list of whats, and whens went on forever.

Every time I get ready to start something new, I just bog myself down with questions and insecurities of why it won't work out, do I really know what I'm doing, what I don't know, is now the right time, etc.  I procrastinate so much because of that.  I'm the type of person, that when I do start something...I'm all in.  I'm in it until the task, problem, or mission has been completed.  I try to figure out every detail of what may or may not work out, and every possibility until I just drain myself and grow complacent with my original idea or plan.  Then I just stall out and nothing gets done.  Or I'll procrastinate until nothing ever happens at all.  Maybe I have some type of fear of failing or fear of not finishing.  But one thing is for sure...once I commit to something...I'm all in.  That's how I approach everything in life...good or bad.  It's even how I approached Christianity.  I delayed and put off accepting Jesus until I was ready to go "all in."

Same for this blog.  I put it off for so many reasons, until another church friend gave me a brilliant idea.  I wasted so much time thinking about what I might write about...thinking about specifics that I lost sight of the big picture.

Since becoming a Christian, I had heard so many times how important it was to spend time in the Word.  Not in a legalistic (check off a box) kind of way.  But as a encouragement to really grow in my relationship with Him.  The Bible can speak to us if we take the time to listen.  But that's the hard part...taking the time...and listening.  No one at my church has ever put condemnation on me for not journaling or doing daily devotions, but they have always encouraged me to start.  And that I would see the results in my relationship with God and my personal growth, in all areas of my life.

Over the past couple of months, journaling and devotions have really been on my mind.  I've been feeling such conviction on not really taking the time to dive into the Word and spending time with God.  Every book, podcast, Bible study, and message I've been hearing lately has been a reminder that I'm still not making my time with God, through His word, a priority in my life.

So in a conversation with our church's youth pastor, we got onto the topic of journaling and devotions, and he jokingly suggested I should combine my interest in starting a blog and journaling.  What a brilliant idea, I thought.  I was motivated to do both, but procrastinated both as well.  That same day...this blog was birthed.  But I felt like I had to give people the perspective of where I came from and why I am who I am today.  My testimony.  So now that I've done that...I need to start doing what I originally planned to do...use this blog to keep myself honest and accountable for my journaling.

Now that I've gotten all my "past" out of the way.  It's time to start journaling, right?  Haha.  A couple of Fridays ago, I decided...today is the day.  I've read a few verses here and there, and read a chapter here and there.  But never did I "journal" before.  Never did I take the time to really focus and jot down some notes on what I had read and what God may be revealing or teaching me in through those verses and chapters.  I've actually had my physical journal for nearly 5 months.  And had never written one word in it.  So Friday arrived...

On Fridays I don't have to be at work until 12:30pm, so I had plenty of time to "journal."  So I woke up (at 10am, don't judge me...we having a baby soon and I am embracing the idea of sleeping in while I have the chance) and thought before I start this journaling thing, I need to freshen up.  But I had so much extra time I thought I would just lay in bed for a bit and watch some SportsCenter first.  Eventually, I got in the shower.  After the shower I was like...I might as well brush my teeth before journaling.  Then after brushing my teeth I was like....I should probably gel/fix my hair now, in case my journaling time goes too long and then I'll be rushed to fix my hair.  So I spiked my hair, like I normally do.  By this time it's nearly 11:30am, and since I had pre-determined that I would do my journaling downstairs at our kitchen table, I should probably get my clothes for the day and throw them in the dryer to freshen them up as well.  (Am I the only person who needs to put my fresh already clean clothes back in the dryer before wearing them that day?  Anyone else? haha).  Now, I'm finally downstairs and I think to myself....I should grab a bottle of water to drink before and while I'm journaling.  So I did.  With the type of table we have, Heather is adamant about putting down table place mats and coasters out if we're going to be using the table.  So I grab a coaster and place mat.  I grab my journal, grab a pen and then think...should I use my iPhone Bible app to read or should I use my actual Bible that has notes, captions, etc in it?  I decided to use my phone since it was handy.  But then I think...some worship music in the back ground would be nice to listen to.  I start scrolling through my music for a few minutes...should I listen to Needtobreathe, Jesus Culture, David Crowder, etc?  I decide on Needtobreathe.  Then I open my Bible app on my phone and realize that to read a couple chapters, I have to do a lot of scrolling down.  After just a few verses, I'm already focused on how annoying it is to be scrolling so much.  I need my actual Bible, I thought to myself.  So I start looking for my Bible.  (How sad is it that I didn't know where my Bible was?)  I remembered I had left it in my truck, from church on Sunday.  Finally I am back inside and at my kitchen table with my Bible and am ready to get re-focused.  But within 30 seconds of getting re-focused, all I can concentrate on is the song playing...I love Needtobreathe and just can't help singing along with them.  Maybe Needtobreathe wasn't the best musical selection for Bible reading and journaling after all.  So I decide on Jesus Culture.  But Jesus Culture did the same thing...got me singing.  Then I decide to just turn off the music, but I didn't like the silence in the house, so I turned it back on.  This time I just turned it down real low.  But then it was too low.  I turned it back up.  That was too loud.  Adjusted it lower again.  Finally, I was ready to read...and, more importantly, listen!

I follow our church's journal outline, which means I read a little Old Testament, then a little New Testament. But by the time I got to NT stuff I realized that I was running short on time.  Reading the Bible isn't hard...but making time to journal was the hard part for me.  Now here I was, having read the recommended readings, but quickly running out of time...again.  But I pressed on.  I wrote what I felt like stuck out to me and just got to work a few minutes late.

What I realized is...taking...I mean...Making time for God is hard, when you're not accustomed to doing so. But making time for stuff we "want" do is easy.  Haha.  I made time that day for SportsCenter, but rushed my time with God.  I'm still working on prioritizing the important things in my life.  I'm willing to bet a lot of Christians don't spend enough time in the Word.  Not because we don't love God, but because we don't see the importance of it.  How can I know what God has promised me, or what He has planned for me, or what He would like to change in me, etc. if I don't take the time to find out.

The world, or some might say the Enemy, will do anything to keep our eyes distracted from God.  We have routines, schedules, and "priorities" in life that keep us so busy all the time.  Maybe if we'd take just a few minutes with God each day He could reveal new plans for us...maybe even bigger and better plans than we already had for ourselves.  Maybe He would free up our schedule to live more practical lives, rather than just being so busy all the time.

I've been part of a men's Bible study every Tuesday morning at 6am for several months now.  I know what most people are thinking..."6am?...are serious?...on a workday?"  But it has been amazing and now I can't miss it!  The very first meeting we had...I completely forgot about, and overslept.  I'm not used to waking up before 8 or 9, so the idea of waking up at 5am was completely out of my norm and way out of my comfort zone.  It didn't sound fun at all!  But after that first meeting I actually made it too, I realized real quick that from now on, I can't miss it.  The connections and relationships us men have formed through this once-a-week gathering has truly changed us. We've been able to take time to really dive into studies on the power of our words, the Holy Spirit, relationships, and so much more.  Each guy that attends has the same testimony..."Tuesday's are the best day of the work week."  You can really feel a difference when you spend the first part of your day focusing on God and what He has in store to teach us.  We have been growing in our relationship with each other...but more importantly with God!

I have been connecting some dots recently.  If I can feel a real difference, a real presence of God in my life on Tuesday's...why wouldn't I want that same feeling the other days of the week?  And my favorite day of the weekend is Sunday.  Because on Sunday I am able to focus a part out of my day to worship God and receive a message/sermon/teaching right out of the Word of God.  My point is, that I can't always rely on others to bring God to me, or to spoon feed me His word.  Well, actually I can do that...but why would I want to?  Why would I want to keep God in a "box," or at church?  God has been showing me that it is to my benefit that I make time for Him and rally listen to Him each day!

I'm not where I want to be or need to be when it comes to spending time with God.  And I'm sure there are plenty of Christians who are in the same position.  It's not about condemnation.  We're still going to Heaven one day, if we've accepted Him.  But God has such a desire to grow us and show us what he has in store for us.  I don't think He wants us to just rest in the fact that we are going to Heaven, but wants us to experience Heaven on earth.  He wants us to grow closer to Him and not just live and struggle on this planet like everybody else.  We should be living supernatural lives!  So that others around us can see God working in our lives.  We need encouragement in tough times, we need healing (physical, emotional, spiritual), we need correcting, we need to hear the promises He has for us, etc.  We all want these things and more, but do we really take or make the time to sit down, alone with God, and actually listen.  His words are right there...all we have to do is open our eyes, hearts, minds....and Bible.

I don't have it all figured out, but God does.  I don't know what tomorrow brings, but God does.  God knows everything about me/us...my/our strengths, my/our weaknesses, my/our dreams, my/our plans, my/our insecurities, etc.  And I believe He is so anxious to help me/us in all these areas...If I/we will take the time to LISTEN through His Word!